Give me some chizuk

amother

Almond ↓

Sat, Sep 14 2024, 11:28 pm

amother OP wrote:

You're so right.

The thing is self care only actually works if you're not anxious about the cost while you're spending the money.

I'm curious what you spend on for self care.

For self car I like things like nice baths or listening to calming music (both activities which don't really cost anything).

I do make sure to give myself nice things but I have a lot of frugal workarounds for these things...

You shouldn’t be anxious from that thread, it’s not logical. If they were making 130k at the beginning of marriage, they likely could not save. It’s about managing your money, you’re doing fine now. We live off 200k (Israel though) and we save more than you are every month, in the states, we’d be making 300k and saving the same amount as we do here.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Sat, Sep 14 2024, 11:42 pm

amother Brass wrote:

The feeling good handbook by David Burns is a good place to start. There are newer books and modalities out there but his is the classic CBT for anxiety and he has some really good and effective self help techniques.

Thanks! Just bought it.

I'm excited to have something to do to actually address anxiety vs just trying to push it away. It honestly makes my fears feel validated and therefore they're less bothersome (if that makes sense).

amother

↑ Whitesmoke

Sun, Sep 15 2024, 12:41 am

amother Chocolate wrote:

This. I listen to rabbi safdie daily betuchen shiur. Life changing. Hashem gave you money for today? He will give you for tomorrow!! Betuchen means one thing, tranquility! Listen to him and you’ll see a change. Iyh.

This is an immature way of having bitachon imho. God gives us what He knows is best for us and it doesn’t always align with what we think is best for us. He won’t necessarily give money tomorrow.

amother

Eggshell

Sun, Sep 15 2024, 3:17 am

You are being fiscally responsible. That is your hishtadlus.

The reason that family has issues on that income is because they thought that making a lot of money means no budget, which is not realistic. You always need a budget if you are to stay in control of finances.

Now the goal is to let go and let g-d a bit.

Learning Bitachon is great ( the emuna for non rebitzins poscast is great), self help books are great and I would see if there is a clinic that you can access therapy paid by insurance for skills on managing anxiety if that doesn't help

amother

Azure

Sun, Sep 15 2024, 3:37 am

OP it’s funny how similar our situations are. Our monthly expenses are $3k month and we save around $4k a month. We have same household income and we work in the same field.

I went through a phase like this for like first 6 months of marriage and was so stressed out by the concept of future living expenses and being able to handle tuition. I calculated that the household income needs to be 300k min in order to live comfortably with 5 kids (with the house mostly paid off). I went off into lala land of calculations…. It’s excellent to be a numbers person and it’s true, the numbers are insane, and it is most difficult in America right now for the working class.

I no longer feel this stress because I just got burned out from the load of it and we are progressing just fine and have great savings and investment accounts. I encourage you to transfer this stress to your husband, he can be the financial leader of the home. Keep saving and investing

amother

↑ OP ↓

Sun, Sep 15 2024, 5:22 am

amother Azure wrote:

Funny that we're kinda similar in this way.

I honestly wish dh was more involved with the money. He has such a carefree attitude about spending and that's part of the reason I feel so stressed. Because if not for me keeping it in check we wouldn't be able to save. He grew up a bit poorer than I did so I think now that he has own "real adult" money he doesn't want to be as careful as I do. He's not a crazy spender, bh, but he likes to buy expensive food and takeout and do expensive activities etc... and as we know, these things add up very quickly.

A few months back I asked him to do the budget and I think it really helped him see what was going on and get excited about saving and dial back on spending. It helped our relationship, because I didn't have to be the one to tell him what we could and couldn't buy, he came to that conclusion it on his own. It also helped my anxiety, knowing he was on top of our accounts and making sure we spent within our budget.

That only went on for a couple of months and then he stopped doing it and fell back into being really chilled about money.

I have this theory that in a lot of relationships there's a juggling of responsibility/worry. Often the spouse who is usually responsible for one aspect (say, money) just wants validation in the relationship. And if the other spouse were to assume the responsibility they wouldn't feel the need to anymore.

I spoke to dh last night about him doing the budgeting again. I really hope he actually does it for more than a month or two this time.

amother

Celeste ↓

Sun, Sep 15 2024, 7:16 am

It’s so funny bec I am the exact same as you
I stressed out so bad when I first got married. We made a lot less than you and we saved a bit less too bec we were expecting soon after and had to buy baby things.
I stressed and went crazy over every dollar. Drove dh crazy
Now I’m not working and I’m home with my baby. My husband started a new job and Bezh his income is expected to increase in a couple of months but we don’t know yet by how much.
We’re living on a lot less esp now with baby expenses but you know what? I’m way less stressed!
Hashem sends us the money and bh we’re still able to save, although less than we used to. Yes we have to be more careful, I may need to get a job once we find out how much dh will be making but hashem really takes care and the less you stress the more you will have. It’s all in the mindset.
Btw we were saving half the amount you were so you’re really doing more than ok! You can afford to have one or even two kids on your salary. Rn we’re making less than half of you with a kid and still able to save some so don’t worry too much

amother

↑ Cadetblue ↓

Sun, Sep 15 2024, 7:33 am

amother OP wrote:

For me the only I was able to do it is that I put it in my budget and viewed in as a necessary expense.

Also the mindset that I am not spending on xyz but rather spending on my mental health and calmness

It took me time until I was able to spend on this without worrying, but once I was it was game changing

amother

Hawthorn ↓

Sun, Sep 15 2024, 7:45 am

amother Chocolate wrote:

Why does bitochon mean hashem will give you something/it will work out?

I used to believe this but I'm at a point where I realize it's factually untrue.

Hashem allows people to suffer their entire lives. Some die. Some can't have children. Some are sick. Some are abused. Some are hostages.

The same hashem that allows orphans and every imaginable terrible thing to happen can also decide a person will be poor. In fact he does.

To me bitochon means blindly trusting hashems plan and trying to come to terms with the idea that sickness, death, abuse, infertility, ect, are all part of hashems plan and we must accept it.

Not as you're trying to say that hashem will work everything out for us.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Sun, Sep 15 2024, 8:36 am

amother Hawthorn wrote:

I agree. I have the same mindset. If Hashem could allow the Holocaust to happen then obviously bitachon doesn't mean we'll all have perfect amazing lives if we just believe.

It means we have to believe it's all part of a bigger picture and that we don't know Hashem's cheshbonos.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Sun, Sep 15 2024, 8:39 am

amother Celeste wrote:

Thank you. This helped!

Out of curiosity, are you guys able to afford to buy groceries and clothes without worrying too much?

amother

↑ OP ↓

Sun, Sep 15 2024, 8:43 am

BusyBoys wrote:

Just want to chime in.

I am reading this thread and I have lots of respect for you OP!!

Your levelheaded responses are well written, thought out, and respectful.
Super admirable- and awed that you are in low 20’s with thought processes like these.

You’ll go far in life I’m sure!

Thank you! That means so much.

I have a dream to one day make enough to give chomesh and still live comfortably...

I really want to be able to support my community and family as well as give my future children basic necessities and a couple extras.

I find that my goals really color the decisions I make. But I also need a happy life now.

Worrying about saving too much can have negative affects right now so I'm trying to figure out how to strike a balance between the insane level of discretionary spending I see around me in my community and the anxious frugal mindset I have sometimes.

amother

↑ Cadetblue ↓

Sun, Sep 15 2024, 9:25 am

amother Hawthorn wrote:

There is truth to that but there is also a concept that the amount that you trust Hashem is the amount he will give.

We can’t dictate the way he will fill it , but when you give your problems over to Hashem he really steps in

You need to do your hishtaldis and be responsible.
But also believe that Hashem loves you and will take care of you
I find this a very calming way to live. And have so many stories where I have see this in my life