Give me some chizuk

amother

OP ↓

Sat, Sep 14 2024, 10:16 pm

Just read the post from the OP who makes over $600k a year and is struggling and it got me so stressed.

For some background.. DH and I are in our low 20s and make about $130k a year combined+ possibly some income from a business I just started that's not making me much now but iyh.

We both work in tech related jobs. When I was in school the going rate for an entry level job was 80-100 but I graduated into this economy and I'm making a bit under 70k. I'm hoping to close to double it in the next few years but right now the market is bleak so I'm happy to be employed.

We don't have kids yet but life is already so expensive. We save a lot because I am really intent on buying a house in the next few years. (Around 500k cosmetic fixer upper is the goal)

I have such a hard time with my emunah. I stress daily about money, or more like hourly. Every time one of us goes shopping I check our banking app and when an unexpected expense comes up I go crazy.

I'm exhausted. I'm barely into my adult life and I already can't handle this emotionally.

Bh were not struggling. We have a mesila budget and we can save but we have to be super vigilant to do so. And it takes such a toll.

How can I calm myself down? It affects me and my husband because he feels the results of my stress.

amother

↑ Hosta

Sat, Sep 14 2024, 10:27 pm

On another note - a big part of OP of the 600k thread is that she doesn’t have any assets. Her house is a huge liability (you can read rich dad poor dad, they talk all about this)
The best way to earn money is passive income from investments.
I’m in a similar boat to the OP of that thread but my savior is money I invested young so when I’m making simchos I won’t need to take out a line of credit or go into debt ..

amother

Burgundy

Sat, Sep 14 2024, 10:27 pm

Sounds like you’re off to a good start. Are you investing any of that money? Because you’re right the money you’re making is probably not going to be enough if it doesn’t go up significantly when you have kids in order to live comfortably. I think you really need to start investing and guessing with the money making that you should have enough to invest even, a small amount.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Sat, Sep 14 2024, 10:41 pm

amother Burgundy wrote:

All my savings for a house are in a high yield savings account right now. After we buy a house I plan on putting future savings in the brokerage account or a RothIRA depending on when we'll need them.

I also have a government bond still locked away from a couple years ago as well as a couple hundred in a brokerage account in an s&p ETF.

Once my husband starts qualifying for benefits (his job is newish) iyh we can max out his 401k. I know how important investing is. Bh we have awhile because we're young.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Sat, Sep 14 2024, 10:43 pm

amother Hosta wrote:

You should def explore your feelings and figure out how to handle them.. iyh you’ll have children one day and they are expensive but worth it Smile

Amen. Yes I know children will be expensive but worth it...

Which is why buying a house before we start paying tuition is a goal.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Sat, Sep 14 2024, 10:51 pm

amother Strawberry wrote:

What are you spending all your money on? Is your rent extremely high?
That’s a ton of income to burn through with just two ppl.

130k is actually unfortunately not a lot these days. Even for a dual income no kids setup.

We live in a state with high taxes....

But still

As I said, we save a lot (over 3k a month)

Our rent isn't insane, we have one car and we spend around 500 a month on groceries. We are quite frugal.

I buy cheap clothing. I almost never shop in frum stores full price. We don't go on lavish vacations at all (we've only gone away once together and plan on going away again in the next few months). I DIY anything I can.

Most of our money goes to taxes, insurance (car and health), rent, and health related bills like dental or copays for routine visits.

It feels like just breathing costs $ these days.

As I said, we used a mesila coach, we have a solid budget and are overall quite careful. But the carefulness comes at a cost.

I don't really think my issue is managing money, it's managing my anxiety around it and having a hard time because even if we doubled our combined income by the time we had a couple children iyh it seems like we'd be struggling.

amother

Whitesmoke ↓

Sat, Sep 14 2024, 10:57 pm

Op it doesn’t make any sense for you to be stressed. Why are going crazy if an unexpected expense comes up? You’re saving 3k a month, the world won’t end if you save less than that sometimes.

This doesn’t sound healthy. I’m glad you’re reaching out for help because it sounds like you really need it. Your shalom bayis will suffer if you keep being like this. What’s money worth if it comes at the cost of your emotional health, which then will impact your physical health down the line? Chronic stress is no joke.

I’m speaking as someone earning 50k less than you and with a child. I’m less stressed than you are and I actually have reason to be stressed.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Sat, Sep 14 2024, 10:59 pm

amother Whitesmoke wrote:

I agree with you. It's not logical. But the world is scary and money terrifies me sometimes.

I'm pretty self aware which is why I'm looking for reassurance because I know I'm spiralling here.

I think I need to get off imamother or at least figure out how to block any finance related topics 🙃

amother

Steelblue

Sat, Sep 14 2024, 11:02 pm

We're making about the same as you with double digit kids, zero savings, and six digits of debt. But I have much less anxiety about it than you do.

Learning about Bitachon can be very freeing. Right now you seem to be trying to take on the full mental load of parnasa. But you really don't need to!

Have you heard the mashal about the man who hitched a ride on a wagon? He insisted on holding onto his heavy pack the whole time, even though it was obviously very uncomfortable. When pressed, he said that he'd rather hold it himself so the horses don't have to shlep as hard.

Put down your heavy pack! Hashem is carrying you and will keep carrying you - plus your parnasa.

Right now it sounds like you are doing your best to be good stewards of the money Hashem is entrusting to you. Trust Him that He will give you more money when you need it and you'll always be okay with what you have.

amother

↑ Whitesmoke ↓

Sat, Sep 14 2024, 11:03 pm

amother OP wrote:

I feel you, imamother can be so anxiety inducing sometimes for me too! Hopefully this thread will be reassuring for you and help you fight your thought spirals when they come up in the future.

I’m not sure how possible it is to block the financial threads because people tend to post them in other forums like emotional health, not just the finances forum.

amother

Cadetblue ↓

Sat, Sep 14 2024, 11:09 pm

amother OP wrote:

I think it is a mindset thing.
I make similar to you same stage
I feel quite comfortable..
I find that when I let myself spend. I don’t feel the need and spend less
Can you work into your budget some free money to make yourself calmer?
Do you have self care in your budget?
Sometimes to aggressively saving can cause stress.
I try to take life one day at a time. As long as you are responsible worrying about the future won’t help.

amother

Brass ↓

Sat, Sep 14 2024, 11:12 pm

“more like hourly. Every time one of us goes shopping I check our banking app and when an unexpected expense comes up I go crazy”

This is not a bitachon issue. It is clearly an anxiety issue that manifests itself as worrying about finances and is something that you need to address as anxiety rather than as a frumkeit or bitachon thing. Everyone has some level of anxiety but when it reaches the level where it adversely affects your life it is time to seek help. Either self help (CBT book) or professional help via therapy to give you the tools to stop the worrying that is robbing you of joy in your life. Hatzlacha.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Sat, Sep 14 2024, 11:15 pm

amother Steelblue wrote:

Thank you ❤️
I used to listen to Esther Kurtz's emunah podcast daily, I think that's a great idea to restart!

amother

↑ OP ↓

Sat, Sep 14 2024, 11:20 pm

amother Cadetblue wrote:

You're so right.

The thing is self care only actually works if you're not anxious about the cost while you're spending the money.

I'm curious what you spend on for self care.

For self car I like things like nice baths or listening to calming music (both activities which don't really cost anything).

I do make sure to give myself nice things but I have a lot of frugal workarounds for these things...

amother

↑ OP ↓

Sat, Sep 14 2024, 11:22 pm

amother Brass wrote:

“more like hourly. Every time one of us goes shopping I check our banking app and when an unexpected expense comes up I go crazy”

This is not a bitachon issue. It is clearly unhealthy anxiety that manifests itself as worrying about finances and is something that you need to address as anxiety rather than as a frumkeit or bitachon thing. . Either self help (CBT book) or professional help to give you the tools to stop the worrying that is robbing you of joy in your life. Hatzlacha.

Do you have any book recommendations?

amother

Bubblegum

Sat, Sep 14 2024, 11:24 pm

I second the idea to work on your bitachon. There are so many books and podcasts available today on the topic, there's really no excuse. Reframing the way you think about money and work can really change your life.

If you're still anxious to the point that it's interfering with your normal everyday functioning, you may want to see a therapist.