Did you sleep train?

michimochi ↓

Thu, Sep 12 2024, 8:20 pm

I went back and forth a lot about sleep training. I knew cry it out wasn't for me, but I did think some consistency would be good for baby and myself. After a lot of research what I ended up doing was tackling the many factors that may make sleeping difficult for baby. Eating more protein and drinking more water during the day so she wouldn't be (very) hungry or thirsty at night, keeping naps as consistent as possible, having bedtime routine, using a calming fragrance every night. It all helped noticeably, but then she started to get hyper every night before bed. I played with her bedtime a little and it's actually that that made the biggest difference. Once I figured out the hour she actually gets tired at, I adjusted her schedule to make sure she was bathed right before that time, and now she falls asleep at almost the same time every night BH! Once I put her down I can go get stuff donein the house for a couple hours. Still wakes up a handful of times throughout the night bc I ebf on demand, but I don't mind bc I just let her latch on and we both fall right back asleep. (We also cosleep... Gotta say, cosleeping helps a LOT if your situation allows and you are okwith it.)

ETA ages: Started with a bedtime routine around 5 months, and adjusted a couple months later to a later bedtime.

amother

Lemon

Thu, Sep 12 2024, 8:31 pm

I sleep trained all of my kids at some point.

When I was pregnant with my first, I spent yom tov with a relative who let her baby cry himself to sleep. I was so upset by it and told dh "I'll never do that!" Well, fast forward less than a year, and I was desperate...and suddenly found myself guiltily considering it.

I did it differently with each one, depending on what I needed from them. And often there were several stages. With a baby who was waking up several times each night, I might try to stretch each sleeping period. With a baby who had a hard time settling at the beginning of the night (for hours), I'd work on that specifically. I also had a couple of babies who went through a phase of waking up at night and not being able to go back to sleep on their own.

For each of these issues, with my earlier kids I'd keep on trying to help them fall asleep/stay asleep by rocking them, putting their paci back in, even pacing the halls...and I'd get more and more tired and annoyed and was an awful mother during the day.

With my later kids, I'd try to catch these stages as they were becoming untenable. So if it was taking a minute of rocking after I nursed the baby to put her to sleep, and then for several nights in a row it was taking five minutes, and then it started stretching to ten...I'd sleep train at that point, before it was too ingrained, and I found it worked SO much more easily!

And yes, it meant letting them cry. And feeling really guilty. And wondering if I was being selfish. But the periods of time that I was sleep deprived as a young parent, I was NOT a good mother. I was impatient all day, desperate for sleep, and it bled into the type of wife I was, how well I was able to function the rest of the day, everything. I rarely hit that point with my later kids, and when I did, it was a sign that I needed to think about changing something...and I did, and then I felt like myself again.

amother

Raspberry ↓

Thu, Sep 12 2024, 8:49 pm

amother DarkOrange wrote:

No, CIO is cruel. Any mother who does that will have to give a din vchesbon on it one day.

I used CIO and the longest they cried was 12 min. That's the same amount they would cry if I took a shower while they were up. Do I also have to give a din vcheshbon for taking a shower?

You start at 2 min, go up to 5, etc. Babies were taught to self soothe within 3 days.

amother

Impatiens ↓

Thu, Sep 12 2024, 10:02 pm

I didn't sleep train. Kids sleep through when they're well fed and comfortable. There's one thing I did do, once they got past the newborn stage, I woke them up for feedings during the day. I found that if they didn't stretch any feedings during the day, they slept through the night much sooner. Most of my kids gave me a good 8-10 hour stretch by six months, sometimes even longer.

amother

↑ OP

Thu, Sep 12 2024, 10:16 pm

amother Impatiens wrote:

I try to feed my baby as much as he’ll eat during the day. Can you elaborate on comfortable?

vtaherlibeinu

Thu, Sep 12 2024, 10:22 pm

I used 12 hours by 12 weeks method. This was for my oldest (and so far only) baby. I'm not into methods and systems that people are so into and raving about. I'm just pretty skeptical. My friend gave me a book and I decided to read it to get an education and some background.
I followed the concept since it made sense to me, and I was shocked that it actually worked. He's been sleeping an average of 11-12 hours a night bli ayin hara since he's 12 weeks old!

amother

↑ DarkOrange ↓

Thu, Sep 12 2024, 10:31 pm

vtaherlibeinu wrote:

That book is very problematic for lots of reasons. Do a quick search on this site for an elaboration.

tichellady

Thu, Sep 12 2024, 10:41 pm

amother Impatiens wrote:

I wish my kids slept 8-10 hours without me sleep training then. I would have never slept train them but could not sustain sleeping in 3 hour chunks for a year

amother

NeonBlue

Thu, Sep 12 2024, 11:07 pm

Yes, I did. There are ways to do it without cio method. See gentle sleep method by Kim west, and precious little sleep
Babies cannot self soothe by themselves until 3-6 months. Until then they need you to soothe them and that teaches them how to do it themselves
I do believe cio is permanently scarring for babies and feels to me kind of heartless

amother

Geranium

Thu, Sep 12 2024, 11:18 pm

I never used cio but have been "sleep shaping" my baby since he was born and he's been sleeping through the night since about 4 months.

Some things I did:
Wake him up once his nap reached 2 hours during the day.
Put him on a feeding schedule.
Make sure he was up for a while before going to sleep for the night to build enough sleep pressure.
Not jumping at every sound or kvetch he made and giving him a chance to soothe himself (up to 5 minute)
Taking him outdoors for daylight.

amother

↑ Lemonchiffon

Thu, Sep 12 2024, 11:19 pm

I think many people who don't sleep trained are privileged in the sense that they don't NEED to. Many are sahm, or women who work very part time, have cleaning help or other help/lots of support. For a mom that works full time and has no help it is pretty impossible for her to function on no sleep too. So make all the judgements you want, but everyone does what they need to do. And not all sleep training is cruel and traumatic. Teaching a baby healthy sleeping habits is not abusive if it's done the right way.

Brit in Israel

Fri, Sep 13 2024, 2:32 am

Everyone has different babys, my sil doesn't need to sleep train at 8 weeks all her babies just go to sleep for the night. She has 4 and it was the same for all.
My babies are not like her kids. (I'm glad now they are older, gets are little terrors and mine BH are calm good kids)
The oldest 2 I needed to do controlled cio. Never started before 7/8 months. I would go in every 2 mins and then slowly going up to 5-7 mins. It's hard to do but was the best thing for them and me. It wasn't just them crying, I was crying with them. When I went in the room I wouldn't pick them up, just offer them their water, lie them down and rub their back. By the 3rd night their wasn't any crying.
My 3rd at already 5 months was putting herself to sleep at the same time each evening so we straight did it in her crib and kept light off when she nursed so she trained herself but she is my worse sleeper, she is nearly 3 and majority of nights I'm sitting with her in the middle of the night or she is in my bed. We had to do the 'training' during the night when at nearly 2 she was still waiting up to nurse but was just sucking on me for comfort and not for nursing. I was hardly sleeping, and she hadn't learnt to self soothe.

amother

Saddlebrown

Fri, Sep 13 2024, 5:58 am

I did the No Cry Sleep Solution for a few of my kids who just needed help learning to fall asleep on their own. (And for me to learn some of the signs of tiredness, and that not every whimper at night needs to be responded to promptly - if they're really awake they will let you know.)

Some of my babies just seemed to me to be higher needs. Having seen the difference with my other kids, I tried to accept that they needed the more frequent soothing. It took over a year but my two toughest cookies sleep through the night now.

It helps that I co-sleep so I don't need to wake up fully every time baby does.

I also don't work out of the house, as posted above that changes the equation. (I believe it is overall worse for baby to be sleep trained, but if your only options are mommy having a breakdown vs sleep training, sleep training is the kinder choice.)

amother

Outerspace

Fri, Sep 13 2024, 7:03 am

amother DarkOrange wrote:

No, CIO is cruel. Any mother who does that will have to give a din vchesbon on it one day.

I don’t sleep train and think CIO is cruel, but I don’t walk in other people’s shoes and I most certainly don’t think Hashem judges us for doing what we think is in the best interest of our children (whether or not we are correct) if you are doing it to teach self soothing/independence is very different from saying you don’t care and can’t deal and are willfully being neglectful. (I am not saying that it is neglectful if done intentionally and with a plan, just like someone not frum with no emuna in Hashem is not shomer Shabbos if they are too lazy to get off a couch for 25 hours and therefore did not have the opportunity to be mechallel Shabbos)

amother

Aubergine ↓

Fri, Sep 13 2024, 7:12 am

amother Impatiens wrote:

I found that for some of my kids- not most.
When my baby waking up was affecting my husb parnassa, my sb, my kids sleep etc, forget abt my sanity, & they were eating solids, nursing plenty but seemed so cranky during the day, I used the ferber method.

Personally, with some of my kids, I found that if I went in after 2 minutes it just made them more hysterical and then it took them even longer to stop crying eventually. Usually, after the first couple days I went in after 10 to 15 minutes. At this point it's usually just kvetching when they wake up, not full-blown crying and my baby seems perfectly happy and content.

My first ferber baby is 17, with the whole slew of teenagers behind and they all seem perfectly fine.

Chinuch is individual, and it depends on the personality of the parents, their hashkafos, and the personality of the child. There are people who swear by gentle parenting and there are people that's swear by other methods and there's a lot less judging about it. If anything, children that age are actually more impressionable.
I don't see why sleep training an infant older than 6 months who already has a personality, shouldn't be an individual decision made on the child and the parent.