Chassidish women - telling boys about pregnancy

↑ Trademark

Sun, Sep 01 2024, 2:26 pm

amother Seagreen wrote:

I'll be the voice agreeing with you, OP. No need to tell your bachurim. If it comes up in discussion, for example if the couple is coming in to your country to have the baby (if they live in Israel...), you don't need to make up reasons for their return and can let them know that there's an impending simcha, but otherwise, I see no reason for it. My brother is having his first baby, couple lives in Israel and are coming home for yomim tovim, my mom wouldn't even think of telling my 16 year old brother.

I disagree. I think the teens will be hurt, even though they might not show it.

It would be very appropriate for the brother to call his brothers and tell them about the upcoming simcha.

amother

Floralwhite

Sun, Sep 01 2024, 2:28 pm

I would maybe not have a whole sitdown conversation, but I would find a time to interject it and let them know. You mention bachurim, so they are above 13. I probably wouldnt tell a 8 year old (boy or girl).
I do not understand the huge difference in telling girls vs boys. I know most chassidim do feel more comfortable telling girls, but I think once it's age appropriate, it's appropriate for both.

amother

Tomato

Sun, Sep 01 2024, 3:01 pm

Trademark wrote:

I disagree. I think the teens will be hurt, even though they might not show it.

It would be very appropriate for the brother to call his brothers and tell them about the upcoming simcha.

Yes, this. Additionally, why is it your issue whether or not to tell your sons? Isn't it for the young couple to tell? My married kids tell me when they want to tell wider family,* the grandparents, siblings and aunts, and whether they want to share their news themselves or want us to tell.

*wider family meaning anyone other then their parents.

michimochi

Sun, Sep 01 2024, 3:44 pm

I would say it's your DS and DIL's place to tell (or not tell), and you don't have the responsibility to worry about that.

Re: propriety, in my circles it is common for siblings who understand what pregnancy is to be told at 3 or 5 months when the expecting couple breaks the news to the rest of the family, but there is a lot of variation between families. I think it depends on whether the siblings understand pregnancy and whether they would be personally interested and excited about the news. If they don't know about pregnancy yet, and aren't particularly excited about the ideo of being uncles, then there would seem to
be no real reason to share the news.

But again, I think in your case it would be up to DS and DIL whether to tell whom and when.

amother

Tangerine

Sun, Sep 01 2024, 9:03 pm

Can you tell them when it's closer to the birth? Around a month before? If they won't be seeing them before then anyway, I don't see why they need to know now, but it could be nice to be told a bit in advance and not just find out when they have the baby.

amother

Catmint ↓

Sun, Sep 08 2024, 8:11 pm

Chasidisha mom here of typical frum BP family, the rule I picked up from Dina Friedman is over age 9 I would share if they don't pick it up themselves, same about pregnancy in general.

Its a beautiful ness and niflaos haborah and I try to present it in a very positive way

regarding myself as soon as I show I tell my older kids and with the younger ones we continue to talk about a new baby in theory ("when we will have a new baby do you want to go to meemah malky or to Bobby?" until mid third trimester and then I tell them outright "we will have a new baby Sukkostime IYH" (I made the mistake of telling lil ones too in advance and it was too stressful for them especially more sensitive anxious child)

regarding gender, my own thing but I do share lil hints if Im afraid they will be let down about the gender...

regarding extended relatives and ppl that the birth wont involve our lives why would I bother telling? If they notice they notice and if not...who cares?

amother

↑ Catmint ↓

Sun, Sep 08 2024, 8:15 pm

amother Buttercup wrote:

I think this is why op asked for only chassidish mothers to respond. My understanding (from my chassidish babysitter) is that even their own kids don't know when the mother's expecting. If these bochurim wouldn't be told about the upcoming birth of their own sibling why should they know that their brother's wife is pregnant. They might not even know what pregnant means.

(My babysitters teens didn't know and thought that parents go to the hospital to get babies and that nursing meant to lay down with the baby till it sleeps. Not my derech, but *shrug*)

Im part of a very large extended chasidish family from both sides with all stripes and types on the spectrum of chasidish your babysitter is the exception in the chasidisha world and NOT the typical rule, unless her teens are on the spectrum and dont pick up on typical social nuances. Sounds like hole in the sheet theory. Silly to believe it...

amother

Offwhite

Sun, Sep 08 2024, 8:22 pm

I would tell them, if you want you can wait till a lot closer like a month or 2 before.
I’m Chassidish with Chassidish siblings and I told them all, from 8-20, I don’t see the need to hide. It’s a simcha bh.

WhatFor

Sun, Sep 08 2024, 8:27 pm

amother Catmint wrote:

We don't even know if the babysitter's teens actually believe this. It's just as plausible that they already know from their friends and they won't tell their mother because she made it clear that this is something she won't be honest with them about it.

amother

Viola

Sun, Sep 08 2024, 8:36 pm

Question for Chassidish women - what do your boys learn in chumash when they discuss pregnancies? Vatahar rivkah, un rivka iz trugedig gevorin- do they not understand what they are teitching?

And when they start learning gemara - what do they think biyah means?

amother

Chartreuse

Sun, Sep 08 2024, 8:50 pm

Sure, what would be inappropriate?

In general actually, I like to have people figure out themselves, but if they live are, tell them a couple months or so before.

amother

Navy

Wed, Sep 11 2024, 7:51 am

Don't make it into a Chasidish thing. It's about an open relationship with your child. What's there to hide? I always mention upcoming births in the family. Reproduction should be an everyday norm for kids, not taboo. Especially boys. They anyways learn about it all the time.
Chasidish

amother

↑ Catmint

Wed, Sep 11 2024, 9:43 pm

amother Viola wrote:

Chassidish? Like plenty of us mentioned here we are chasidish and our boys know about pregnancy. Are you mixing us up with a different sect?

amother

Burgundy

Thu, Sep 12 2024, 5:28 am

Another very chassidish woman here. I don't see why they can't know before.
I would just tell them but If for some reason your not comfortable "officially" telling them, you can discuss it in general and let them hear. Like "I can't go on vacation March cause yossi is having a baby then."

amother

Daffodil

Thu, Sep 12 2024, 5:37 am

Chasidish here and bh Also awaiting birth of first grandchild iyh.
Dd at home heard us talking about it all the time so she figured it out on her own. When we did tell her she said she knew.
My bucher learning in Israel we did tell him because we didnt want him to be shocked when he sees her . Dil actually asked me once if my son knows already
The other boys at home I just told them that iyh when they will be in kitah whatver they will become uncles iyh