Naming conundrum- what to do

amother

↑ Slateblue ↓

Wed, Sep 04 2024, 11:32 pm

B'Syata D'Shmya wrote:

I had pressure. and that was OK.
I understood this was a different generation, and I understood it came from love, not manipulation. I never allowed the pressure to affect me. I never judged my parents, or in laws on this. It was their way of remembering and respecting their parents/grandparents, nothing more.
And if I didnt do what they asked, I didnt feel like I failed them and they never said "why didnt you".
Just my take.

But why don't we promote a culture of no naming-pressure altogether? As the line goes, if a couple is old enough to have a child themselves, they're old enough to name it themselves.

I would think it's acceptable for a relative to gently suggest a name, one time, explaining who the person was and why it would be so special to name after them. That's it. With no pressure, with no cajoling, with no guilting, and no questions about whether the couple will take their suggestion. Merely just providing them with info they might like as they make their decision.

amother

Birch

Wed, Sep 04 2024, 11:33 pm

I don’t believe there is a right or wrong here. It’s so family dependent. My husband and his siblings couldn’t care less about naming after relatives, much to my mother in law’s dismay. In my family it’s more of a thing. OP, is there a cute nickname you can think of? Personally I dislike typical names. I find them super boring. But I also like to name after people. So some of my children are named boring names, but I thought of nicknames that I love and so I get to call my children by a name that I love. Get creative if you need to!

↑ B'Syata D'Shmya ↓

Thu, Sep 05 2024, 1:57 am

amother Slateblue wrote:

And I agree, a gentle one time mention

Why don't we promote a culture of DLKZ and non judgemental relationships.

Accept that some people feel the need to remind the young couple that they have the option to consider a great grandmother's name...
The young married remind their parents that they need financial assistance, help in so many ways babysitters, hosting , etc.
No one is forced to do any of those things but a simple communication is not a sin. If it works out , great. And if it doesn't also great.
No one like such calls but it's part of life.

amother

Celeste

Thu, Sep 05 2024, 2:28 am

I found when we both went to speak to a rav it was really helpful. He didn't tell us what we should do, but he advised and supported us.
One of things both dh and myself agreed on was not to name for distant relatives who no one knew and weren't frum. Just because someone in the family had that name, doesn't mean they needed to be named after.
We also came to an agreement that since there wasn't anyone in the family we wanted to name for, we chose a name we were both happy with.

↑ B'Syata D'Shmya ↓

Thu, Sep 05 2024, 2:40 am

amother Celeste wrote:

If you agree, then whats the problem?

In OPs case, she and her husband dont agree.
Honestly, no need to decide a name now. I know many situations where a name was agreed upon before birth and then the couple changed their minds after the birth.

If a mother doesnt like a name, she shouldnt use it. She may have trouble bonding with a child whose name she dislikes and that would be a terrible thing.

amother

↑ Slateblue ↓

Thu, Sep 05 2024, 2:48 am

B'Syata D'Shmya wrote:

I guess so much for unconditional love : )

amother

Hyssop

Thu, Sep 05 2024, 7:16 am

amother OP wrote:

Which one is both? His side name is already two names. And he’s against adding anything.

If there isn't someone who needs to be named after, who you both connect to - meaning there's who to name after but there are enough kids named after that person already - then you name as you wish.

There's something in naming after a relative but if the relatives have been named after...why do they need to be named after again?

I did give a name that many cousins already carry but that's because I asked my grandmother if there was someone who she wanted me to name after and this was the name she gave. And the cousins who carry it are my kids' fourth cousins, there's no one closer who carries the name.

greenavocados

Thu, Sep 05 2024, 9:37 am

Haven't read the whole thread. But I do know of a story where a child wasn't thriving and the person they went to said it was because the mother didn't like the child's name and couldn't connect to the child. They changed the child's name and saw an improvement. I dont know the details of this story but it is very important for the mother to connect to the name (and therefore child).

Re the 15 grandchildren named after the same person, is there a unique nickname you can call the child?

amother

↑ Slateblue ↓

Thu, Sep 05 2024, 9:50 am

B'Syata D'Shmya wrote:

Why? What does it have to do with love? One an ask. And get a no and still love each other.
One need not do something they don't want to do, and it's not that they don't love each other.
Why take this into an ugly direction?

Noooo, I meant where you said:

"If a mother doesnt like a name, she shouldnt use it. She may have trouble bonding with a child whose name she dislikes"

Would a name really stand in the way of a mother's unconditional love?

PinkFridge ↓

Thu, Sep 05 2024, 11:40 am

amother OP wrote:

So I have a question I myself think is weird, so bear with me.
Our first born went to husbands side for a close relative that passed away ant that time and the second child to my side, for a favorite grandparent. We are now due with the third one TYH and our options are either to give after relatives which I have never met (passed away too many years before I was born) and don’t feel any connection to or after a grandparent of husband of which there are already 15 children named for.
While I don’t love (read: don’t connect to it at all) the name of that grandparent, what irks me more is that there is nothing special about being “another” one with that name.
Husband claims that before we give names we like and choose out of a hat we must honor our family members. I claim that parents must “feel something”.
Who’s right and what do I make of it?

Families may have their ways of doing things. And you might decide you want to follow your in-laws' approach.
But you don't need to be matir neder if you don't.
As far as being one more Sara Rivka Genendel (named changed to because I have no idea), the bigger question is, was SRG someone really special? Is it a name you'd enjoy otherwise?

↑ B'Syata D'Shmya

Thu, Sep 05 2024, 3:03 pm

amother Slateblue wrote:

Yes, absolutely.
Pretend your husband force you to name your daughter Wilma after his favorite beloved great great great grandmother (whose picture is exactly the woman you want as your husbands personal secretary if you know what I mean).
Now try nursing Wilma.
Its not uncommon for the feelings about the naming of a child to interfere with bonding.

Ruchel

Thu, Sep 05 2024, 3:13 pm

B'Syata D'Shmya wrote:

Many French people use a first name they like then family names. Jews will use the whole for religion etc but not daily

amother

↑ Slateblue

Thu, Sep 05 2024, 5:56 pm

B'Syata D'Shmya wrote:

I don't know. We could name my child Bug and I'd still love her....

amother

Royalblue

Thu, Sep 05 2024, 6:17 pm

amother Slateblue wrote:

It's should be both ways. If either parents don't like the name it shouldn't be used.

I was extremely close to my grandmother, went everyday after school to her, was her Thursday helping girl and as siblings we fought to eat Shabbos meals there and when she wasn't doing well I would sleep over when my cousin couldn't and spent every Shabbos morning with her in the nursing home as an older teen until I got married. I would have given up anything for her (and I did on occasions)
Her name is a Yiddish name, we are in an Israeli community and my DH doesn't like the name, besides for him worrying DD will feel uncomfortable with the name.
I didn't name my child after her as I respect him and I don't want him to chose a name I don't like.
The name we ended up using (after DH grandmother who passed a way a few months before DD was born) I realised shortly after rhymes with my grandmother non Jewish name which she was known as. I often add it to her name when playing or calling her. It's my little connection and now my mother heard it and does it as well, she will never interfere but I'm sure she is jealous that her sisters have grandchildren with her mother's name but we are living in a different crowd and she respects that. I see how much joy she gets from hearing me use her mother's name as a nickname even though it's not her real name.

My other grandmothers name he also doesn't want as it has a R and I can't roll my Rs in ivrit so it just sounds terrible especially as our family name has 2 which I struggle with. I respect him and excitedly waiting for a boy to name after my grandfather. I know this name isn't his first choice as he has a brother with that name but he likes the name and is ok if we need to use it. (Ironically my other grandfather shared a name with DH so that is also out the picture)

In short naming should be 2 yeses from both parents otherwise it's a no!