Why does being nice backfire

amother

OP ↓

Tue, Sep 03 2024, 12:03 pm

Why is it that the people who talk tough and put their foot down and arent always 'nice'or pleasant when they speak get what they need quicker and faster

Vs the ones that are more soft spoken, easier to deal with taken for the ride..
I've had a few instances recently where because of my soft spoken, calmer nature, where it seems like I'm unheard and people end up taking advantage because we are nice and not going to give an issue and be understanding
For instance we hired a service that promised us a quick turnaround and it's been weeks for the service to be completed after politely following up and not being a nudge... but if I start questioned and sounding frustrated then suddenly it's taken seriously-
This happens in different scenarios

So Is it better to be more tough and intimating to get thing done?

amother

IndianRed

Tue, Sep 03 2024, 12:08 pm

I have the same question ....
Sometimes I'm on the other side, meaning where I work, and the nature of the business we deal with, tbh, its so much easier to serve the pleasant customers. where on the other hand when there is a tough intimidating customer no-one wants to pick up the phone for them and if they end up getting their services done, it's not because they deserve it, but just cuz we got so fed up with them. Being nice is the right way, except in cases where the one providing the services can't supply I guess?? we have a policy in my business, if you're nice and work with us, you will get all the service we have to offer

B'Syata D'Shmya ↓

Tue, Sep 03 2024, 12:09 pm

amother OP wrote:

I always had the theory that people fear bullies and it brings out the fear of their parents, so they give the bullies what they want.
They also fear that the bully will turn on them.

People dont fear the soft spoken, nice easy to deal with folks, they feel safer acting and behaving as they truly want to be. Even if it means hurting the nice person.

As to when to be tough and when soft spoken, that is your choice.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Tue, Sep 03 2024, 12:17 pm

amother IndianRed wrote:

Thanks! I should deal with your company whatever service it is, It sounds pleasant and the right way of doing business.

But as you point out, the tough one got their request/service fulfilled so much quicker..I guess it's the fact of life

amother

↑ OP ↓

Tue, Sep 03 2024, 12:23 pm

B'Syata D'Shmya wrote:

It's not in my nature at all to be tough, I don't know how..
After weeks or month its frustration.. in which I'm still polite and so apologetic for even questioning the process..
The frustrating part is hearing of others that get serviced or requests fulfilled right away because they are more outspoken

ShishKabob ↓

Tue, Sep 03 2024, 12:24 pm

You can come across nice but firm, not a pushover and not a bully. It's not either or. You can always start nice and if you need to bring some more cards to the table you should use them.
There's a time and place for everything.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Tue, Sep 03 2024, 12:28 pm

ShishKabob wrote:

Yes thats probably it,
Firm is the right word
But somehow I end up always feeling bad

↑ B'Syata D'Shmya ↓

Tue, Sep 03 2024, 12:33 pm

amother OP wrote:

If your life depended on it, would you develop assertiveness?
Maybe you need coaching. Practice being assertive ( not aggressive).

amother

Crocus ↓

Tue, Sep 03 2024, 12:37 pm

amother OP wrote:

Yes thats probably it,
Firm is the right word
But somehow I end up always feeling bad

You probably have boundary issues. Which if so, would show up in other areas of your life too.

amother

Raspberry

Tue, Sep 03 2024, 12:37 pm

amother OP wrote:

True.

Better to be known as nice vs hard to deal with

But to what extent? Being a nice pushover ho always gets shoved to the side isn't so great. Developing assertiveness is very important lest someone really gets fed up after being all nicey-nicey their whole lives and suddenly develop a mean and manipulative streak.

amother

Dimgray

Tue, Sep 03 2024, 12:41 pm

You can be nice and still be firm and have boundaries. You can address your frustration to a company without being mean. Try that and see if you are getting results before assuming you have to be mean.

↑ ShishKabob

Tue, Sep 03 2024, 12:41 pm

amother Raspberry wrote:

That's called working on your middos aka character. Sometimes in the process of developing the middle road, you go to the other extreme. As long as you right yourself afterwards.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Tue, Sep 03 2024, 12:46 pm

B'Syata D'Shmya wrote:

If your life depended on it, would you develop assertiveness?
Maybe you need coaching. Practice being assertive ( not aggressive).

How can I practice? Where do I start?

amother

↑ OP ↓

Tue, Sep 03 2024, 12:57 pm

B'Syata D'Shmya wrote:

https://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/stress-management/in-depth/assertive/art-20044644

https://pumble.com/blog/assert.....tion/

Thank for taking the time and being so nice & helpful.

Implementing it is the hard part