Anyone else against dorming for high school?

chestnut

Mon, Sep 02 2024, 6:06 pm

Cheiny wrote:

I don’t believe for a minute that they don’t have a choice, unfortunately I know of people personally who are only too happy to have their kids “out of their hair,” in not so many words.

Really, you don't believe ppl live in places with no mesivta or only one school that might not be a good fit for every boy in town?

amother

↑ Sand

Mon, Sep 02 2024, 6:10 pm

mha3484 wrote:

I think it is very kid specific. Some really thrive in a dorm and some don’t. But when they don't get home until 10 pm and leave again at 7am there isnt a lot of quality time happening.

Exactly!!!

My brother came home every shabbos because otherwise he’d litterly get back and sleep run back to yeshiva he did that until 10th and decided dorming in order to get out of the door on time just made sense but we were super involved- saw him every weekend/ yuntif etc… and came home whenever he wanted yeshiva ended at 1030 pm started 6 am typical schedule

↑ Cheiny ↓

Mon, Sep 02 2024, 6:13 pm

chestnut wrote:

Really, you don't believe ppl live in places with no mesivta or only one school that might not be a good fit for every boy in town?

OP was clear in her post that she is referring to people who choose to send out even when they have in-town options.

Hashem_Yaazor

Mon, Sep 02 2024, 6:19 pm

My oldest 2 dormed because there was no option and honestly even if the option that exists now existed for them, it would have been the wrong thing for them to stay, for different reasons. I know the perils of dorming and it's not a perfect situation but let me tell you my boys grew and thrived in ways they couldn't have at home. Their independence and maturity are very apparent.

I'm not sure what I'll do with my next one, I'm keeping my mind open.

nicole81

Mon, Sep 02 2024, 6:24 pm

For my eldest, the best local option meant 4-5 hours of round trip bussing per day. And yes local, same city. So after a year of that mess, we paid for dorming instead of bussing and he absolutely thrived. He was able to spend all those extra hours in the beis midrash or on his schoolwork and got a normal amount of sleep. And the independence helped him in many ways we can see now that he's almost 20 and has been stuck in EY without a flight home and nowhere to live while he bounces around and figures things out before shana bet starts. He's super resourceful.

But granted dorming is just a part of it. We raised him to be independent and self sufficient. Very different than how I coddle my youngest boy🙈

amother

Apricot ↓

Mon, Sep 02 2024, 6:35 pm

I’m absolutely against it through HS.

Children should be at home with their families. That’s how Jewish children learn how to make families and live in family life.

To me, it’s not desirable or what Hashem wants. Toras Chaim doesn’t mean sending children away for chinuch. To me, if that’s expected, there’s something wrong with that approach to yiddishkeit.

And, yes, I live OOT.

amother

↑ Cognac

Mon, Sep 02 2024, 6:38 pm

amother Dill wrote:

Mother of multiple teenage boys here (some dormed, most were local). I voted against dorming (I feel it’s really not ideal).

I do want to mention that I rarely see my boys in local mesivtas either. They leave before I wake up and sometimes come home after I’m already in bed. I think in the “yeshivish” system, you basically turn your boys over to be raised by the hanhala of their yeshiva and their peers as soon as they hit ninth grade. I really wish it wasn’t like that.

(My high school boys who dormed really only “semi dormed”- they came home every shabbos, the ones who went to local mesivtas had more in shabbosim than the ones who dormed! Maybe if my kids were gone every shabbos I’d think there was a significant difference-between dorming and not dorming-but in my experience they were both fairly similar and really limited the amount of time the boys spent at home 😢)

The bolded is the part that really worries me.

amother

↑ Apricot

Mon, Sep 02 2024, 6:43 pm

amother Cognac wrote:

The bolded is the part that really worries me.

Me too.

Because I don’t find the hanhola, however well meaning or hard working, are a replacement for parents for children.

amother

Holly

Mon, Sep 02 2024, 7:24 pm

I'm against dorming but could've let me son to waste in a toxic environment or send him to a Yeshiva that could accommodate his needs and bring him to life and give him a chance to grow in many ways. So yes my sons dorms even though I'm against dorming.

amother

Geranium

Mon, Sep 02 2024, 7:34 pm

Totally opposed. Our ds mesifta had looked into moving to become an OOT dorming yeshiva in hopes of attracting more students. We parents were invited to look at the proposed site. It was a mold-infested horror, but I'd have objected even if it had been the Ritz. B"H the idea fell through. HS is a time that kids need the guidance and supervision of parents more than ever. Barring severe disruptive issues at home--like a parent who poses danger to the child, G-d forbid--the only excuse to let your son dorm is if there is no yeshiva HS anywhere near where you live.

amother

Birch ↓

Mon, Sep 02 2024, 7:39 pm

Cheiny wrote:

I don’t believe for a minute that they don’t have a choice, unfortunately I know of people personally who are only too happy to have their kids “out of their hair,” in not so many words.

Judgy much?
I live in a place with many many options. Not a single one was a good fit for my out of the box, brilliant, wonderful son. The local places would have destroyed him. His 8th grade rebbi agreed.
His dorming HS experience has changed him in unimaginable ways (positive only!) and the independence is really good for him.
Did I want to send him away? No way. But ultimately it was the right choice and I don’t regret it for a second, and neither does he. Baruch HaShem.
(And as an aside, a little space from the family did actually help. He has a challenging personality and absence has made everyone’s hearts grow fonder. We talk for a long time every night and he comes home every week. This was an added bonus - we didn’t send him to “get him out of our hair,” that’s terrible.)

amother

Gold

Tue, Sep 03 2024, 10:33 am

My husband despite living in Brooklyn went to an out of town Yeshiva in the late 1980s because he was brainwashed to believe it was the right thing to do. Back then those who went to out of town Yeshivas very much touted themselves and their Yeshivas as being better. They were in fact learning more and at a higher level than those who were in town. He does not really say why but does say that the experience left him vehemently opposed to sending young bochurim to dorm in out of town Yeshivas. None of his friends from back then sent their children out of town either. In fact, even the people who talked him into going out of town themselves ended up keeping their own sons in town. That said, I do have one son who no local options worked for so he went out of town.

(Note: For those who will think this is the reason my husband is so opposed to out of town. He says that he never saw or heard of any hint of homoz@xual behavior in any of the Yeshivas he dormed in)

amother

↑ OP ↓

Tue, Sep 03 2024, 4:43 pm

Amother said:

I do want to mention that I rarely see my boys in local mesivtas either. They leave before I wake up and sometimes come home after I’m already in bed. I think in the “yeshivish” system, you basically turn your boys over to be raised by the hanhala of their yeshiva and their peers as soon as they hit ninth grade. I really wish it wasn’t like that.

But how can you compare a kid coming home every night with one who sleeps in a dorm? Its worlds apart.

↑ mha3484

Tue, Sep 03 2024, 4:47 pm

If they are literally sleeping at home only and not really interacting with anyone I don't really see the difference to be honest. The local mesivtas daven maariv at 9:30 and by the time they get home its after 10pm. Shacharis is 7:30 so they are out the door by 7.

amother

↑ OP

Tue, Sep 03 2024, 4:48 pm

Its interesting that so many who anssered assumed I only meant boys.
In my circles, in israel, there are girls who also dorm. Its not just boys. And there is full drm, sun - thur and partial, 3 nights of the week.

And im agsinst it because of some of the awful stories Ive heard. Abuse and grooming etc.

amother

Aquamarine ↓

Tue, Sep 03 2024, 5:48 pm

I have only girls.

For myself, I specifically chose to live in a place where there are multiple educational options that could be a fit for our kids. For me, that was a basic criteria in deciding where to live, because I had an awful experience growing up in a place with 1 school system, and I never would have dormed.

And I strongly believe for my family that children are generally best left with their parents during such formative years. My husband dormed for high school and he had a great experience, except I see now nearly 30 years later how it affected his relationship with his parents, with his siblings, and his emotional capabilities. Although he and his parents were happy with him dorming,v and the school was very good, it did stunt him emotionally on some level.

However, I believe every family has to make the right choice for them and their individual kids and their options.

↑ Cheiny

Tue, Sep 03 2024, 6:24 pm

amother Birch wrote:

I’m not sure why you got so defensive. Clearly no one was referring to specific circumstances that require it.

And yes, I do know people who want their children out of their hair, starting at very young ages…