Bas mitzvah without party?

amother

Tangerine ↓

Mon, Sep 02 2024, 2:49 am

This is so hard on girls from families with issues.

I literally have no one to invite to celebrate my daughter's bas mitzvah. Not a single cousin or sister.

At the same time the boys schools have no rules and her brothers all get fun parties with friends.

Its not fair and I wish the yeshiva community would get with the program and stop the s-xism. It's 2024. What's good for the goose is good for the gander. If the boys get friends at their parties, then the girls deserve it also.

I have no idea what I will do for her bas mitzvah. Maybe a family vacation somewhere with our immediate family.

amother

Anemone

Mon, Sep 02 2024, 7:39 am

amother Tangerine wrote:

My daughter’s school had this rule but it was a known thing that no one listened. So they all had great fun parties. In Lakewood. The only thing that bothered me is that the school should have made a rule that the whole class must be invited bec instead only some girls got invited to each party. And I’m sure girls were left out.

amother

Hotpink

Mon, Sep 02 2024, 7:41 am

We invited neighborhood friends even though none of them did. It was fine. I even asked the mothers permissions but none of them cared. It was really nice and my dd enjoyed a small close party with her neighborhood friends.

(My boys school also did not allow inviting school friends so I guess we are all equal…)

amother

White

Mon, Sep 02 2024, 8:10 am

My daughter's school did a beautiful joint bas mitzvah for the girls (I think it cost us like $200) and if you make a private party, no inviting classmates. I liked it because no peer pressure. There is a wide range if what people do for bas mitzvahs and we wouldn't do fancy, so my daughter didn't feel left out .
We had a girls' restaurant night - with grandma, aunt... My daughter enjoyed bh

amother

↑ Zinnia

Mon, Sep 02 2024, 8:47 am

amother Tangerine wrote:

The boys schools do have rules.

↑ Molly Weasley ↓

Mon, Sep 02 2024, 8:52 am

amother Tangerine wrote:

S_xism? Was Rav moshe sxist when he banned the bas mitzvah parties of his day?

Stop trying to make the genders "equal" and focus on our unique purpose as females. We're not competing with the men.

You can celebrate by focusing DD.

ittsamother ↓

Mon, Sep 02 2024, 9:06 am

But I don't get it, schools can make whatever rules they want all in the name of 'no pressure?' Maybe they should decide that it's too much pressure to send girls to camp cuz they all discuss it when they come back and clearly some camps are more exciting than others. And it would be such a load off the parents not to have to pay for expensive camp! Win-win! Oh, maybe they should ban any birthday celebrations at all, some girls just get a cake at home and some go out to a restaurant, that's not fair, some feelings will get hurt. Ooh I know, let's just ban all suppers at restaurants, not everyone gets to go out the same amount of times a year.

To me, my girls are a special part of Klal Yisroel too and their bas mitzvah deserves to feel as special and exciting for them as their brothers' bar mitzvahs do. I don't think it's the school's place to tell me how to celebrate it or who I can invite to it. It's my job to raise my kids to look at what others do and not judge it one way or another, or covet what others get. There will always be others out there who have more, it's a fact of life that will never go away. I'm not interested in limiting my kids options just so they won't chas v'shalom see that someone else has more- they should learn that young and learn to deal with that, cuz it's an important skill for them. And- it's not like I even plan to throw grandiose bas mitzvahs for them. I don't plan to throw grandiose bar mitzvahs either. But at the very least the bar and bas mitzvah should definitely be centered around the actual 12/13 yr old and their wants, and if my kid wants to invite their friends that they see every day, that's what we want to do.

amother

Vermilion

Mon, Sep 02 2024, 9:10 am

amother Tangerine wrote:

Lakewood boys schools do not allow classmates either.

And the bas mitzva rule isn’t unique to Lakewood. I believe Passaic and Baltimore have the same rule

↑ Molly Weasley ↓

Mon, Sep 02 2024, 9:47 am

ittsamother wrote:

Why is it so difficult to understand we have different rules? Why are we comparing ourselves to men?

↑ ittsamother ↓

Mon, Sep 02 2024, 9:52 am

Molly Weasley wrote:

Why is it so difficult to understand we have different rules? Why are we comparing ourselves to men?

That was one minor point in my whole post. My bigger point was that if the primary rule why a girl cannot have classmates is to prevent jealousy, where does that stop? And for that matter, why aren't we worried about cousins or neighbors getting jealous?? Why are we risking our precious girls and letting them go to anyone's bas mitzvahs at all?? And weddings! Gasp! Maybe we should make a rule that only mature adult women can go to weddings. No, that wouldn't work, some adults clearly get jealous too and feel pressure... We should just stop making simchos at all.

amother

↑ Tangerine

Mon, Sep 02 2024, 11:19 am

Molly Weasley wrote:

I have no idea what you are talking about with Rav Moshe so I cant comment on that.

Men and women are different but as far as I know, that difference has zero connection to parties. there is literally no reason a girl cant have a bas mitzvah party but a boy can. Unless there is something uniquely male about a party in which case, I am not sure what kind of party you are throwing for boys.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Mon, Sep 02 2024, 12:36 pm

amother Linen wrote:

Don't not do whats good for dd because your neighbors didn't need to do the same thing. You have a different family structure & they aren't stupid, it’s understandable that dd feelings of it was special come first.

It’s not really a different family structure. She just happens to be the oldest grandchild. And there aren’t many neighbors I would even invite because she’s a pretty quiet kid. That’s why I’m torn.

amother

Emerald

Mon, Sep 02 2024, 12:36 pm

DrMom wrote:

Seems weird to impose a rule about whom you can invite to your own simcha. Davka to exclude the girls she sees every day?

So funny, are you from in town
I live in Staten Island and I wish we can have that rule I'm jealous of the lakewooders

It's such an amazing rule
It makes so much sense

amother

↑ OP

Mon, Sep 02 2024, 12:41 pm

amother White wrote:

The school made a party but that was for the whole grade. I need something just for her. We could have a party with grandmother and aunts. Maybe that’s the answer.