I miss my baby while at work

↑ imaima ↓

Thu, Aug 29 2024, 1:12 pm

amother OP wrote:

Financially I need the money - we have a debt to pay, that on top of baby expenses now (baruch Hashem this is a good expense...)

It's funny now that I think of it it almost seems that I am basically working in order to finance the babysitter and I'm left with almost nothing Confused

so maybe I may as well not work and not pay the babysitter. I wish.

I do feel guilty and wish I didn't. I just keep telling myself it's good for the baby, maybe not the ideal but it's almost and it's the best in this situation. But the worst is that I feel that maybe it's not so good for my baby... (the fact that she's away from me, is she missing me?)

If it’s even then it makes no sense to send her out.
The benefits of staying with the mother outweigh at this age.
Older babies have separation anxiety which means they will protest when you leave them.
Younger babies don’t understand enough to protest but they still feel the difference, they just don’t make a mental connection yet and don’t express their feelings.

If you lose out in your career or it’s hard on your mental health, it’s better you send her out and keep working.
If it’s a dead end job that basically pays the sitter, both of you will benefit from you staying at home.

Cheiny ↓

Thu, Aug 29 2024, 1:14 pm

amother OP wrote:

Is it really better for the baby at the babysitter? Isn't the best one to take care of her is her mother?
Did anyone leave their baby at home till they were older and thought it was better?

This isn’t even a question. Of course, it’s best for baby and toddler to be raised and cared for by Mom for as long as possible, but the youngest years are the most crucial for optimal health, both physical and emotional. All the studies show that.

If there’s any way to make it work, to be home with baby in those very early, formative years, that’s by far the best option. But of course many can’t, and some don’t want to, for numerous reasons.

I’m sure many will chime in here with the usual defending the need to leave the baby in child care because of the absolute need for both parents to work. No one is referring to them. I’m referring to those who can make it work to stay home with baby… that’s the best way.

And as for those who leave baby because they “need to get out of the house,” that’s a choice as well, albeit not the one that’s best for baby. Yes, everyone needs to get out for their mental health… we’re referring to emotionally stable women who have the choice of staying home or not. The answer is yes, what’s best for baby is to be with Mom, not a caregiver, no matter how wonderful the caregiver might be.

↑ imaima ↓

Thu, Aug 29 2024, 1:26 pm

amother OP wrote:

Maybe not social skills, but it definitely improves development, no?
She sees other babies turning over and crawling and it makes them want to learn faster, no?

I'm a first time mom so I'm not sure but I know with my friend who has twins she told me one definitely has an influence on the other. As soon as one (usually the stronger one) learns how to crawl, the next day the second twin also does. Same throughout their life. (They're in high school today but still compete)

It doesn’t improve development, she will develop these basic motor skills by herself at her own pace. Being one on one with her means you can give her your full attention and that will develop her skills as opposed to being one of several kids at the sitter.

Last edited by imaima on Thu, Aug 29 2024, 1:26 pm; edited 1 time in total

amother

↑ OP ↓

Thu, Aug 29 2024, 1:26 pm

imaima wrote:

Thank you for laying out the pros and cons so clearly.

I am still left with money after the sitter (albeight much less) so I do have to work.
I don't mind staying home with my baby but again, I have to work for the money, and I actually enjoy my work environment bH.

That said, for my young baby I guess it's NOT the ideal at this age.
I just want to make sure that it's not traumatic for her and she's ok. That although it's not ideal I'm still a good mom and she'll grow up just as good. And that there are benefits to sending her, but from the replies it doesn't seem that's true at this age.

↑ SuperWify ↓

Thu, Aug 29 2024, 1:41 pm

amother OP wrote:

Doesn't it help though to send the baby earlier than 8m? Otherwise then they have separation anxiety and it's much harder for the baby, no? (For the mother it's anyways hard...)

I don’t think so. A well attached baby will go easily. Sent my older one at 6m and he had such a hard time leaving me until about age 5. Every morning until 5 or so was a heart breaking send off with tears on both sides.

amother

↑ Navyblue

Thu, Aug 29 2024, 1:49 pm

SuperWify wrote:

I think this depends on the child’s personality more than or in addition to when they’re sent out but I might be wrong.

Anecdotally I started sending my baby out at about 1 years old and she never really cried at drop off. She looked scared and nervous the first few days at a new place but didn’t actually cry.

amother

Hosta

Thu, Aug 29 2024, 1:51 pm

amother OP wrote:

Is it really better for the baby at the babysitter? Isn't the best one to take care of her is her mother?
Did anyone leave their baby at home till they were older and thought it was better?

I ended up staying home for 21/2 years with my dd. I had told my boss I was coming back, interviewed babysitters, bought a pump....but as the day approached, I couldn't stop crying, and my dh said we would figure out how to make it work. We cut every financial corner we could think of. My office let me work part time from home,with occasional (every month or so) meetings at the office.
I am extremely glad did it despite financial struggles.

amother

Steelblue ↓

Thu, Aug 29 2024, 1:51 pm

Of course you miss your baby! It’s a good thing!
In an ideal situation, yes every mother would be able to stay home with her baby until the age of two. I don’t think you’ll find anyone that says it’s better for the baby at such a young age to be apart from the mother, however, that doesn’t mean that it’s the wrong decision or not the best choice for your family.

There are many ideal things in life and of course we want to do what’s very best but you have to weigh everything else along with it.

So if financially, emotionally, etc the mother needs to work, then that might take priority. But then you just make sure that the childcare situation for your baby is the best it can be.

I highly recommend ready the book “being there” it speaks all about child attachment and discusses what the ideal is, but also the best way to do it if you do need to send your baby out. (I did send my baby out for a few hours starting when she was four months and it was hard, but we needed to financially)

↑ Cheiny ↓

Thu, Aug 29 2024, 1:56 pm

imaima wrote:

Actually there are proven studies that babies develop at a faster rate and to a more advanced degree when they’re raised full time by Mom during the informative years. I was actually surprised at the extent of it. Mom’s care vs. a caregiver is infinitely more powerful.

↑ SuperWify

Thu, Aug 29 2024, 1:57 pm

amother Navyblue wrote:

I personally think it’s a combination of personality and attachment.

↑ Cheiny ↓

Thu, Aug 29 2024, 1:57 pm

amother OP wrote:

Is there any way your current job can be done from home?
If not, could you find other work to be done from home? Obviously that would be the best of both worlds.

↑ Cheiny ↓

Thu, Aug 29 2024, 1:58 pm

amother Hosta wrote:

That’s great. Kol hakavod to you and your dh.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Thu, Aug 29 2024, 2:07 pm

amother Steelblue wrote:

Thank you for this post.
It gives me chizuk to know that we are doing the best we can for everyone. And that I'm not the only one feeling so bad while going thru this...
What's this book? Is it a jewish book? Can you send me a link?

amother

↑ OP ↓

Thu, Aug 29 2024, 2:14 pm

Cheiny wrote:

Is there any way your current job can be done from home?
If not, could you find other work to be done from home? Obviously that would be the best of both worlds.

I tried working remote after my boss told me I needed to come back to work after 6 weeks. I told him it was too young to send my baby and I would work remote. It worked in the beginning but as my baby got bigger it became only 2 or 3 hours a day that I got to work (while she slept) and it became not possible to really get my work done and be there when needed.
So now I'm back in the office.
And I need the money.
What job can you do from home that's well paying and not too many hours? Right now I work 6.5-7 hrs a day and am paid pretty decently a month. I don't think I can find something for less time than that that pays well.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Thu, Aug 29 2024, 2:16 pm

amother Hosta wrote:

I'm so happy for you that it worked out for you to stay home with your baby!! ashraich

amother

↑ OP

Thu, Aug 29 2024, 2:22 pm

Cheiny wrote:

I so much want my baby to be with me Crying

Always.
She's so young. I miss her. I feel like such a baby but I really do miss her.
I guess it's just the best I can do in this situation

↑ Cheiny

Thu, Aug 29 2024, 2:28 pm

amother OP wrote:

I so much want my baby to be with me Crying

Always.
She's so young. I miss her. I feel like such a baby but I really do miss her.
I guess it's just the best I can do in this situation

You’re not a baby, it’s your motherly instincts making you feel that way.
Only you can make the decision, but it’s good now you have the facts.

↑ imaima

Thu, Aug 29 2024, 3:01 pm

amother OP wrote:

Noone can reassure you because we are not inside your baby and we don’t know what’s happening at the sitter.
Parenting is full of compromise and trial and error.
There are ideal conditions and then there is life.
Your obligation is to find a babysitter who looks reliable and attentive to her needs and who takes good care. You can only assess the way she greets your baby and the way she parts with her, and what your baby looks like after her care. The rest you daven and hope that all goes well.

There is parenting advice out there and everyone tries to follow it to the best of their ability, but perfection is hard to achieve.