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-> Parenting our children
-> Teenagers and Older children
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sequoia
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 Wed, Aug 28 2024, 7:55 pm
| amother OP wrote: |
How does a girl who needs glasses manage to walk to and from school every day along busy streets? |
Until one day she doesn’t, cvs.
This is not the time for “upbringing” or pedagogic exercises or standing on principle. Get her whatever she needs to see well. I’m sure you’d rather a stubborn, inflexible daughter than a dead one because she was hit by a car.
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amother
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Wed, Aug 28 2024, 8:04 pm
Op, we all wish you and your daughter well.
Hopefully you can get to the point where she can see well and feel comfortable in her skin as well.
The teen years are very tricky. If you are working with a competent therapist, that's usually a step in the right direction.
I have experience with a child who resisted change very strongly. But he has high functioning aspergers, so it comes with the territory. I need to pick my battles very carefully and only force him to adapt to change when there is really no other choice. (He too refused to wear glasses for years but that's because he was sensory.) But "choose your battles wisely" is a good approach for parents of any child.
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amother
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Wed, Aug 28 2024, 8:21 pm
| amother Begonia wrote: | My dear, we don't know the full story, but we do know what she did say. All the information is in the previous pages ans we have the same info as you.
She said that she isn't interested in giving into "unreasonable teenage whims." She made it clear that that was the reason for not offering it to her daughter. So, in this conversation, why would you assume "she refuses contacts, and won't wear glasses" or that she "loved her glasses at the store?"
Simply put, mom made herself pretty clear.
Moreover, look at the way she describes the problem in the first post she said - my daughter agreed to the glasses. She didn't say she loved them or even liked them.
She said it was an expensive pair. That doesn't mean it was the daughter's choice or that she liked them. Just that she "agreed". When I take my kid to the glasses store, I wouldn't say "she agreed" to get glasses. Maybe I'm reading too much into the words. But mom definitely did not say the daughter loved them. |
I actually didn't make myself clear. I watched post after post suggesting lenses when that was the one thing I was clear about. I wondered about that. Why would people suggest lenses when I knew and said it wouldn't work for us? I chose to say the most practical reason: we can't afford it. It's the truth also.
If you read on you will see I wrote that my daughter tried on many pairs of glasses. She agreed to wear one and that's the one I bought for her. She didn't like or love it because she didn't want glasses at all. She gave me an extremely hard time at the appointment from beginning to end. But she said those were the best pair and she would wear them. The storelady helped us by suggesting glasses girls her age wear nowadays.
My daughter never asked for contacts. Not a hint towards them. It was never a part of the conversation.
I mentioned not giving in to unreasonable teenage whims. It is unreasonable to refuse to wear glasses when you need glasses. I stand by that. To be exact I wrote: generally I do not give in to teenage whims. I wrote: I understand that sometimes we are unreasonable about our looks and that's ok. I wrote: if I cannot give her this, I can make it up to her a different way.
There are many many ways to give to our children. Kids understand that they cannot have everything they want but they could have some things or even many things, but not everything.
Talking to other mature adults, I can call this a whim. I don't say it to her, of course not. You are all welcome to disagree with me and say lenses are as basic as sanitary pads, if you really feel that way. And I am welcome to disagree with you as well about that. That doesn't make me rigid or neglectful or cold or a horrible mother. I am looking for solutions to this issue. If I wasn't that would be pretty bad.
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Raizle
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Wed, Aug 28 2024, 8:31 pm
| amother OP wrote: | My daughter had a very slight prescription in second grade. She got glasses then but said she didn't need them so she never wore them. At her annual physicals and other eye tests, her prescription didn't worsen so I didn't interfere when she decided not to wear them.
This past year in ninth grade she told me a few times that she couldn't see the board. After pesach I took her for another eye test and the dr was shocked she's not wearing glasses. She spent not more than two minutes getting tested before she came back out to me. Now that I think about it I don't know how he could test her so quickly unless she told him a bunch of "I don't knows" in order to finish up quickly. This is a very likely scenario. I don't generally go into exam rooms with my teens unless they want me to. An eye test is pretty straightforward, I didn't see a need to be there, she said she didnt need me.
I called the eye dr this morning to ask for her prescription. Currently doubting its accuracy. She doesn't squint to try to see things faraway, she's an A+ student. She has a long walk to and from school every day. She hasn't missed any camp activities or anything that would tell me she isn't seeing what she's supposed to. It could be she's overcompensating other ways. |
She needs to get a full exam done. The kind that doesn't only rely on her answers but where they look into her eyes physically and screen everything. That's not a 2 minute assessment. And I suggest you be in the room.
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Raizle
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Wed, Aug 28 2024, 8:34 pm
| amother Milk wrote: | Not wearing contacts is not just a lubavitch thing.
Some Lubavitchers wear contacts. |
Its hardly a lubavitch thing at all. Someone asked the Rebbe about contacts (why they asked is another story) back in the days where they were hard and it was riskier to wear. That was their own personal interaction and never a directive for everyone else.
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amother
Lime
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Wed, Aug 28 2024, 8:37 pm
| amother OP wrote: | | \You are all welcome to disagree with me and say lenses are as basic as sanitary pads, if you really feel that way. |
Seeing is as basic as hygiene. If your daughter would refuse to use certain brands of hygiene products, that would be stubborn of her but at the end of the day it would be better to give in than let her free bleed, right?
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Raizle
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Wed, Aug 28 2024, 8:38 pm
| amother Milk wrote: | | The rebbe said not to wear contacts. (I guess. Back then it wasn’t safe.- I wasn’t alive when the rebbe said this) |
Someone asked the Rebbe is he should get contacts and the Rebbe replied that he didn't like the idea of sticking things in his eyes. Like you said, it was when it was more dangerous and also it was a conversation between the Rebbe and one person. It wasn't an instruction for everyone.
Somehow it got spread as if the Rebbe said not to wear contacts. For reference it was in my days.
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Hashem_Yaazor
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Wed, Aug 28 2024, 9:46 pm
| amother OP wrote: | I actually didn't make myself clear. I watched post after post suggesting lenses when that was the one thing I was clear about. I wondered about that. Why would people suggest lenses when I knew and said it wouldn't work for us? I chose to say the most practical reason: we can't afford it. It's the truth also.
If you read on you will see I wrote that my daughter tried on many pairs of glasses. She agreed to wear one and that's the one I bought for her. She didn't like or love it because she didn't want glasses at all. She gave me an extremely hard time at the appointment from beginning to end. But she said those were the best pair and she would wear them. The storelady helped us by suggesting glasses girls her age wear nowadays.
My daughter never asked for contacts. Not a hint towards them. It was never a part of the conversation.
I mentioned not giving in to unreasonable teenage whims. It is unreasonable to refuse to wear glasses when you need glasses. I stand by that. To be exact I wrote: generally I do not give in to teenage whims. I wrote: I understand that sometimes we are unreasonable about our looks and that's ok. I wrote: if I cannot give her this, I can make it up to her a different way.
There are many many ways to give to our children. Kids understand that they cannot have everything they want but they could have some things or even many things, but not everything.
Talking to other mature adults, I can call this a whim. I don't say it to her, of course not. You are all welcome to disagree with me and say lenses are as basic as sanitary pads, if you really feel that way. And I am welcome to disagree with you as well about that. That doesn't make me rigid or neglectful or cold or a horrible mother. I am looking for solutions to this issue. If I wasn't that would be pretty bad. |
Have you suggested she wear them for just an hour with just 1 or 2 friends around? That might be the validation she needs and the adjustment to wearing glasses physically can start then too.
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amother
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Wed, Aug 28 2024, 10:15 pm
| Hashem_Yaazor wrote: | | Have you suggested she wear them for just an hour with just 1 or 2 friends around? That might be the validation she needs and the adjustment to wearing glasses physically can start then too. |
I spoke to her today. It's not going to work unfortunately although many of her friends wear glasses. I had a thought that perhaps we bought the same pair of glasses as one of her friends and maybe that's why she refuses to wear them but she confirmed with me that we didn't. I tried asking her in a roundabout way about her eye exam, and her body language told me she is annoyed and not willing to cooperate so I backed down.
There is a certain health issue I need to sort out with the doctor and then discuss with my husband if we can dedicate $200/year towards lenses for her. She needs to be able to see full stop. I have a laundry list of things in my home that could use that money but she needs her eyes, and Hashem will have to find a way for us to have what we need.
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amother
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Wed, Aug 28 2024, 10:20 pm
| amother OP wrote: | I spoke to her today. It's not going to work unfortunately although many of her friends wear glasses. I had a thought that perhaps we bought the same pair of glasses as one of her friends and maybe that's why she refuses to wear them but she confirmed with me that we didn't. I tried asking her in a roundabout way about her eye exam, and her body language told me she is annoyed and not willing to cooperate so I backed down.
There is a certain health issue I need to sort out with the doctor and then discuss with my husband if we can dedicate $200/year towards lenses for her. She needs to be able to see full stop. I have a laundry list of things in my home that could use that money but she needs her eyes, and Hashem will have to find a way for us to have what we need. |
Kol hakavod OP! Thanks for updating us.
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amother
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Wed, Aug 28 2024, 10:24 pm
| Raizle wrote: | | She needs to get a full exam done. The kind that doesn't only rely on her answers but where they look into her eyes physically and screen everything. That's not a 2 minute assessment. And I suggest you be in the room. | This. I’m sorry she’s being so unreasonable. But she is, and so she needs someone who specializes in uncooperative kids and can work with her.
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amother
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Wed, Aug 28 2024, 10:25 pm
Please don't kol hakavod me. I am the exact same person you relentlessly bashed time and again.
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amother
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Wed, Aug 28 2024, 10:27 pm
| amother IndianRed wrote: | | This. I’m sorry she’s being so unreasonable. But she is, and so she needs someone who specializes in uncooperative kids and can work with her. |
Thank you but I cannot drag her once again to the eye dr. I am going to go with whatever the dr said last time. Its not the eye dr I usually use but I have no reason not to trust his opinion and expertise.
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amother
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Wed, Aug 28 2024, 10:29 pm
| amother OP wrote: | | Please don't kol hakavod me. I am the exact same person you relentlessly bashed time and again. |
Well, that's exactly why I said kol hakavod. You seem to have reconsidered your hard position regarding lenses, which is all anybody was suggesting.
For that I commend you.
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amother
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Wed, Aug 28 2024, 10:35 pm
| amother Begonia wrote: | Well, that's exactly why I said kol hakavod. You seem to have reconsidered your hard position regarding lenses, which is all anybody was suggesting.
For that I commend you. |
I'm asking you not to unless you are ready to go back to your posts and see where you read mine wrong and edit your words.
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amother
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Wed, Aug 28 2024, 10:43 pm
Many OP's would have joined in the problem, disappeared or had the thread closed. It got pretty heated and you didn't react, you stayed full adult mode & I'm pretty impressed.
I'm glad you've come up with a plan of action that works for you & your family. And it's nice of you to fill us in.
May this be the toughest that your dd gives you to deal with for her teenage years.
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amother
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Wed, Aug 28 2024, 10:44 pm
| amother OP wrote: | | Thank you but I cannot drag her once again to the eye dr. I am going to go with whatever the dr said last time. It’s not the eye dr I usually use but I have no reason not to trust his opinion and expertise. | I hear you. I didn’t read most of the thread so I don’t know the whole story. Regardless I hope it gets easier for you. My dd is also very stubbornly opinionated (she was recently diagnosed with asd and it was such a relief to know that it’s not me, it’s her) and getting her to take care of her eyes is always a struggle.
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amother
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Wed, Aug 28 2024, 10:48 pm
| amother Lawngreen wrote: | Many OP's would have joined in the problem, disappeared or had the thread closed. It got pretty heated and you didn't react, you stayed full adult mode & I'm pretty impressed.
I'm glad you've come up with a plan of action that works for you & your family. And it's nice of you to fill us in.
May this be the toughest that your dd gives you to deal with for her teenage years. |
Amein. Thank you for your kind words and bracha.
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amother
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Wed, Aug 28 2024, 10:51 pm
| amother IndianRed wrote: | | I hear you. I didn’t read most of the thread so I don’t know the whole story. Regardless I hope it gets easier for you. My dd is also very stubbornly opinionated (she was recently diagnosed with asd and it was such a relief to know that it’s not me, it’s her) and getting her to take care of her eyes is always a struggle. |
Thank you. ASD runs in my family and I have a few kids who can be a brick wall. I should research what high functioning autism looks like in a girl. I can almost sense that relief.
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