Do you bring a gift for the host?

amother

OP ↓

Wed, Aug 28 2024, 9:54 am

Im just wondering what’s typical. We host a lot and I would say most people bring something, usually a bottle of wine or a dessert.

But recently we’ve hosted families for shabbos as well as for meals, and some people show up empty handed. I don’t specifically ask anyone to bring anything unless they offer. But some people don’t offer and don’t bring anyway.

It’s not offensive to me. I just find it strange. We would never show up to a meal empty handed. I would feel so uncomfortable doing that.

What do you do?

amother

Ghostwhite

Wed, Aug 28 2024, 10:07 am

I mainly go to my sisters or sisters in law for Shabbos. I’ll usually bring a bottle of wine but sometimes we forget to. I hope they don’t judge me.

It feels like a lame gift to be bringing anyways unless the woman of the house specifically likes wine which my sisters and sisters in law don’t. They’re the ones cooking for Shabbos in their families and I want to be gifting them but don’t know what to bring.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Wed, Aug 28 2024, 10:09 am

amother Ghostwhite wrote:

But it’s not always about the type of gift, but rather the gesture.

Even if I don’t drink wine, I would still appreciate the gesture of a guest brining it. It shows a level of appreciation.

amother

Poinsettia ↓

Wed, Aug 28 2024, 10:22 am

I host a lot for Shabbos meals. It's usually family, as we gave both teenage boys and girls so we don't invite non-related family.

My siblings kids come often, they learn locally in Seminary and Yeshivos. We're very chilled, and they know they can call friday afternoon for an invite and we'll usually accommodate. We don't expect anything, altho my sibs are very appreciative and every once in a while they'll send a fruit platter or a game for my kids.

ETA: My kids do the same when they're studying in their home-towns. They don't take anything, but like they do, I'll send a gift periodically.

I think in this situation, a gift is too formal, esp as our kids will help out at the respective hosts, either babysitting shab afternoon, or running errands on Friday.

When my married siblings come with their families, they sometimes bring along a fruit salad or choc, but it's not expected. On occasion I'll ask if they have a kugel, or some challos in the freezer they can bring along.

I have been known to text all my local siblings on occasion at the last minute 'Has anyone got some spare chicken soup, or kugel??' Usually someone's happy to supply what I need even when they're NOT that week's guests!

Yes, I have teenage kids, a kugel in the freezer on Wednesday, does not a kugel in the freezer on Friday make!

amother

Tiffanyblue ↓

Wed, Aug 28 2024, 10:31 am

Seems I'm an exception here.
I love hosting! I have a nice sized crowd at my shabbos table weekly, something we started while waiting for our kids to come along. I don't appreciate any dishes for the meal though.

I'm very systematic, last minute invites don't happen unless it's the random guy my husband picked up or another emergency, I'm usually prepared with enough food based on the amount of guests we'll be having. I make it very very clear that only I do the cooking here. Gifts like chocolate, fruit or wine are appreciated, nothing else. So either bring that or please show up empty handed.

amother

Mustard ↓

Wed, Aug 28 2024, 10:40 am

I think kids are in a different category as I don’t expect hostess gifts if my kids’ friends come for dinner or my niblings either.

My family is pretty functional so there has never been any kind of friction in terms of some people being shnorrers. Family generally brings something to eat. Either a special home made dish or dessert that fits the menu or sometimes when there is a special bakery or equivalent to pick up something that is known to be a favorite.

I like to bake and am thrilled to be able to bake and then not have it tempting me. My aunt lived near an apple farm and would always bring fresh apples.

watergirl

Wed, Aug 28 2024, 10:42 am

There are two kinds of things to bring - a gift for the host or a contribution to the meal. I bring one or the other depending on where I am a guest. If it's one of our friends, I'll usually bring dessert (contribution). If it's someone I'm not close with, I'll bring wine/candy/chocolate.

amother

Trillium

Wed, Aug 28 2024, 10:42 am

amother Broom wrote:

I always ask “what can we bring/can we bring anything?” And if they say no I don’t bring anything. Is that a faux pas? embarrassed

I sure hope not because that’s exactly what I do. When the hostess says no, I don’t bring anything. I don’t expect anything when I host and don’t usually get anything. Sometimes I get a bottle of wine which is nice but not expected. Maybe I’m in different circles.

amother

↑ Tiffanyblue

Wed, Aug 28 2024, 10:48 am

amother Broom wrote:

I always ask “what can we bring/can we bring anything?” And if they say no I don’t bring anything. Is that a faux pas? embarrassed

It's not. Showing up with something after they asked you not to is rude, it's forcing them to serve whatever you bought.

imaima

Wed, Aug 28 2024, 10:51 am

amother OP wrote:

I mostly do unless I am extremely busy.
If it’s close friends, I ask what I can cook, and they sometimes say, I shouldn’t bring anything.

lamplighter ↓

Wed, Aug 28 2024, 10:51 am

Some of this is cultural I think. Staying for shabbos always a gift. Coming for a meal - not necessarily. We don't have an eruv in our community so someone would have to come before shabbos to bring it over. I'm definitely not offended and don't consider it a faux pas if someone doesn't bring something just for a meal.

amother

↑ Mustard

Wed, Aug 28 2024, 10:52 am

amother Broom wrote:

I always ask “what can we bring/can we bring anything?” And if they say no I don’t bring anything. Is that a faux pas? embarrassed

I think so because I think most people will say no need to bring just to be polite.

Unkess they are close friends or family where they can be honest and either request something specific or no need because you are reciprocating informally so often that it’s not necessary.

For someone I am not very close to I wouod being the equivalent of a hostess gift. Even if people don’t drink wine, they can always pass it along as I think wine isn’t in the category of being a tacky regift Wine is pretty much the perfect thing to bring because it doesn’t have to be used immediately and is fine to pass along.

effess

Wed, Aug 28 2024, 11:09 am

I host often and most ppl don’t bring anything.
Those that do I appreciate their gesture, and those that don’t, I just enjoy their company.
When I get invited I bring a wine but it’s interesting to see the reaction of the host.
Some say a warm thank you and some are annoyed.

BH Yom Yom

Wed, Aug 28 2024, 11:24 am

We almost always bring something unless told multiple times NOT to. I still feel weird coming empty-handed, but when the hostess says not to bring even a bottle of sparkling grape juice or chocolate or anything, I feel uncomfortable bringing something anyway.🤷🏼‍♀️

amother

Winterberry

Wed, Aug 28 2024, 11:31 am

Reality wrote:

I have never showed up empty handed to a meal. I have never hosted a family who didn't bring something. When I've hosted singles or my kids friends, some bring and some don't.

This. I accidentally clicked the wrong choice and can't change it. I never show up without a gift

amother

Maize ↓

Wed, Aug 28 2024, 12:01 pm

I do not go to someone’s home empty handed. Exceptions may include parents /MIL. My kids don’t go away for Shabbos empty handed, but when they were 7yo, I didn’t necessarily send something if they went to their friend for lunch-irrelevant of if it was an invite that morning in shul or pre-planned on Wednesday.

Halevia, I were to live in Israel, and my sister’s kids were in sem/yeshiva, I would insist they don’t bring me anything, and I don’t think I would send to her (if she was in Israel and I was not), but to my SIL/ who do live in Israel and repeatedly hosted my kids so graciously… my kids always brought.