Naming conundrum- what to do

amother

OP ↓

Mon, Aug 26 2024, 8:23 pm

So I have a question I myself think is weird, so bear with me.
Our first born went to husbands side for a close relative that passed away ant that time and the second child to my side, for a favorite grandparent. We are now due with the third one TYH and our options are either to give after relatives which I have never met (passed away too many years before I was born) and don’t feel any connection to or after a grandparent of husband of which there are already 15 children named for.
While I don’t love (read: don’t connect to it at all) the name of that grandparent, what irks me more is that there is nothing special about being “another” one with that name.
Husband claims that before we give names we like and choose out of a hat we must honor our family members. I claim that parents must “feel something”.
Who’s right and what do I make of it?

Cheiny ↓

Mon, Aug 26 2024, 8:28 pm

amother OP wrote:

The mother is given ruach hakodesh when it comes time to name her babies. I’d suggest you allow it to come to you, and if you’re having trouble with it, speak to a Rov.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Mon, Aug 26 2024, 8:33 pm

amother Skyblue wrote:

I agree with him.. maybe add a name you like

I mean I also agree with him especially when I’m not leaning toward any of those from my side. He doesn’t like adding names at all.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Mon, Aug 26 2024, 8:34 pm

Cheiny wrote:

The mother is given ruach hakodesh when it comes time to name her babies. I’d suggest you allow it to come to you, and if you’re having trouble with it, speak to a Rov.

I was under the impression that the parents get ruach hakodesh not just the mother. Does anyone know the source?
And I also wonder if when it comes to you, do you just know it? Feel it? I don’t remember knowing or feeling anything before in my postpartum haze.

↑ Cheiny

Mon, Aug 26 2024, 8:36 pm

amother OP wrote:

No, I learned the mother gets it.

I also learned from a sefer on naming, that if you give two names after two different people, it’s like not naming after either person. Many people don’t know that..l

Last edited by Cheiny on Mon, Aug 26 2024, 8:37 pm; edited 1 time in total

amother

↑ OP ↓

Mon, Aug 26 2024, 8:36 pm

yiddishmom wrote:

Both are right.
You can ask a Rav for insight, and take it from there.
Bshaah tova!

He did say he’ll go to his rav to discuss but I felt so bad. I asked him what he’ll say and he was like, “the truth, that you don’t “connect/ feel” the names and you prefer random names you find cute”
Well hello there. Thanks for making me seem so levelheaded.

familyfirst

Mon, Aug 26 2024, 8:49 pm

Let him talk to a Rav. This is very community dependent. Some communities are all “family first” with names and others are much more easy about it.

You can always compromise. He gets it now and next is your turn to decide, after relative or not. You’ll make that call

↑ yiddishmom

Mon, Aug 26 2024, 8:59 pm

amother OP wrote:

What does it mean cute?

I like names that I connect to the meaning. I much rather such a name than naming after someone who I have no connection too, especially if I don't connect to the meaning of the relative's name.

It's very normal. I don't think your Rav will think you are shallow.

Regarding R"H, we did have a sign/ felt strongly for one option, right before naming.

amother

Powderblue ↓

Mon, Aug 26 2024, 9:01 pm

Here's what I think:
I do believe in naming after family,but I also think it's your "turn". Traditionally mom gets first name but since you switched for 1 and 2, now it's your turn again.
Don't you have any relatives on your side with a name you like? Even if a distant relative?

amother

DarkGray ↓

Mon, Aug 26 2024, 9:15 pm

Sit down with the Rav and don't destroy shalom bayis.

Was this grandfather loved? A good person? Maybe that's why so many are named after him.

I think taking turns is a smart thing.

And technically its his turn since you reversed the order.

And yes, a lot of women like names that are "nice".

So everyone is right. But how do you keep the peace and get along?

amother

Jetblack

Mon, Aug 26 2024, 9:25 pm

Naming after relatives you never met is what creates the connection. Not always do you name because there is already a connection. I'm so grateful to have been named after a great grandmother I never met ( holocaust victim) it definitely creates a connection to generations past, like I didn't just fall out of the sky.

amother

Natural

Mon, Aug 26 2024, 9:28 pm

amother OP wrote:

How about you BOTH go together- so you can speak up for yourself.
I might be the only one who feels this way- but there’s a time and place for honoring one’s parents. You had this baby- and it’s your choice what to name him/ her. Especially since there’s so many grandchildren named after this grandparent, and you have no connection at all.
Do you also choose parenting methods and schools based on his parents choice because you’re honoring them?! Where do you draw the line? If you had a relationship with the grandparent or like the name or he/ she is a holy person and you want the zchus for your child- go for it. But the generation before us chose their own baby names as well. How do you think we have all these Yiddish names or any names that aren’t from the Torah?
Do not name your child a name you don’t like because your husband feels he needs to honor his parents. He needs to honor his wife first. Please speak to the Rav as well.

amother

Aconite

Mon, Aug 26 2024, 9:29 pm

Have a few ideas of names you both like
Once the baby is born you will see if any of the names seem right, perhaps the grandfather's name will seem right

I had a few names in mind for my baby. All double names. As soon as he was born they all seemed so wrong. We ended up naming him one name that just felt right.

amother

Ivory

Mon, Aug 26 2024, 9:46 pm

I was in this situation and ended up naming for dh grandfather because after much thought I realized I kind of felt dumb naming a random name when he had a grandfather to name for, who was a good person. I didn't love the name but it grew on me. I wouldn't worry that 15 others have the same name...it's about you and your dh and what's meaningful to you. I don't regret my choice.

As an aside my next child I chose not to give the full name of my relative to the horror of certain family members who didn't talk to me for a year because of it and I don't regret that either because I just felt like I should not be giving that full name to my child for certain reasons. And I don't regret that decision either.

amother

Starflower

Mon, Aug 26 2024, 9:47 pm

Personally, I don't feel like naming my kids a name of someone I never knew or my husband never knew. We chose to name after people we knew or we're very close relatives and we added her name to each one that was meaningful to us.

My last child ended up being named for my husband's grandfather and I also added a name I liked. I actually did not like the name at all and my husband didn't care to name after that particular grandfather. After the baby was born, we decided to honor my Father-In-Law and give the baby his father's name. I don't call him by that name as there are already I think five other children named after him and called by that. I also honestly have never liked the name. Now that I need my BB that name plus the other one it doesn't bother me as much as my baby's adorable.

Eta: We also don't particularly "take turns" when it comes to naming our children. Whoever had a relative that it made sense to name after at the time that's what we did. I have three named after my husband's side and only two named after mine.

paperflowers

Mon, Aug 26 2024, 10:00 pm

Does he want to name after his relative because it is meaningful to him or because in principle he thinks its the right thing to do to name for a relative? Because if it's meaningful to him then it is special even if there are 100 other kids with the name. That doesn't mean you have to give a name, but it's worth considering.
I don't think parents MUST feel something because many parents don't. But you also are not required to give a name that you don't feel good about.
There's also a big space between naming for a relative and choosing a name out of a hat. There's naming for the time of year, for a midah, for someone in tanach etc. Even just because you think a name is beautiful is not "pulling a name out of a hat!"
It sounds like you don't like either of the options from family names. Are there any names you do have in mind?