FFB teen no longer wants to be frum

amother

Dahlia

Tue, Aug 20 2024, 9:47 pm

amother Lightblue wrote:

Just sending you huge hugs.

My teen daughter is exploring as well, not saying she doesn’t want to be frum, but has drastically changed her way of dressing and we are looking at other school options.

It’s so hard.
Every time she comes out in her pants and low cut top it feels like a punch in the gut.

There aren’t really other options here for frum schools, so we are looking at either secular or MO (mixed) Jewish schools, or non-Jewish schools.

We love her and want what’s best for her, but at the same time a part of me is mourning the loss of what I thought (hoped) my children would be.

I know it’s not a reflection of me, she is going through her things, it’s her journey. But it’s still hard to remind myself of this everyday.

My husband keeps reminding me, we need to look at the bigger picture and focus on the long term. This is where we are now, this is not a prediction of what she will be at 20 or 25 or anytime in the future.
We try to keep the mood of our home positive and fun. If she’s still happy to hang out with us and her siblings in an upbeat frum environment we take that as a win and hope that impacts her future relationship with yiddishkeit.

Obviously you would choose the MO school given those choices.

amother

Mint

Tue, Aug 20 2024, 10:41 pm

Hi OP,
It sounds very hard! What age is he? Are you based in the states? If yes, I would consider to “gift” him an opportunity to visit Israel on his own or go to a more relaxed yeshiva there. The reasoning being similar to chasans and kallahs going away for a year to “spread their wings”. When you’re in one environment as a teen it can be extremely hard to navigate the same system that everyone is in, sometimes you need to connect to your Judaism from a more authentic sphere. Going to Israel he will see Jews of all walks of life embracing their Judaism for example at the kotel or the shuk and maybe choose a different shade or flavor of keeping mitzvos. IMO it’s way better than being totally OTD. The beautiful thing about Israel is that no matter who you are - the vast majority end up marrying Jewish and staying closer to religion and Jewish culture as well as coming back into the fold. Just my humble opinion from personal experience that I hope no one will bash! Keeping you in mind and davening!

amother

Whitewash

Wed, Aug 21 2024, 2:13 am

You might want to take the opportunity to ask him whether he experienced any trauma at any point. I'm not saying that every OTD kid experienced trauma, but many have and often they keep it to themselves because they're ashamed. Sometimes if you ask them directly they'll be relieved to open up about it. Molestation, a Rebbe who didn't treat him well, etc.

If trauma was a considerable factor one should obviously work on treating the trauma before addressing his decisions regarding religion.

B'Syata D'Shmya

Wed, Aug 21 2024, 5:59 am

amother OP wrote:

Our teenage son has told us he no longer wants to be frum.

He's been raised a frum-from-birth kid with loving limits, very involved and emotionally connecting parents, a high level of Torah knowledge and learning skills, and parents who have really invested in him, advocated for him and built him up through hard times.

We are reeling with shock, pain and disappointment. We have made countless sacrifices and prioritized the needs of our children above career ambition and our personal preferences. We have built a chinuch-centered home to teach our children how to be the best b'nei and bnos Torah they can be. There are no words to describe the level of investment we have made over so many years. Now, it's being thrown back in our faces by our teen because he is mad at HaShem.

To have our chinuch openly rejected and have our son say he wants to be moved out of yeshiva and into public school is just a pill we are struggling to swallow. He recently confessed to having a girlfriend for 6 months that he hid from us and only told us about after he had broken up with her.

I just don't recognize the son we've raised and it's breaking my heart to see him choose a derech completely opposite of the one he's been raised in. I know I'm not the only mother who has faced watching her child go off the derech but I just have no koach to navigate this right now. I'm devastated beyond words and don't know how to pick myself up from this, grieve it, love him unconditionally and continue to raise the rest of my children with the right perspective.

Any comfort or encouragement would be appreciated.

-- Brokenhearted Mom

Whats weird is that Public Schools arent a dream come true either. What happened in Yeshiva that made him so mad at Hashem?
You mention his home life, and I am sure you do everything to ensure that its everything anyone can ask for in a Torah oriented home.
What was his school life like?

Ignore the girlfriend thing, besides being over, you have no idea if she was even vested in a relationship with him or it was in his head.

Dont let him bait you into a debate or express disappointment. Not only wont it help, it can push him away.

Your goal right now is not to push him in a corner or up a tree. Keep the vibe low key. He will soon discover that all that glitters isnt gold. Show him in an understated way that what he has in his own backyard is true gold.

Davening for you and your son. May you still shep much Yiddishe nachas from him.

amother

↑ OP

Wed, Aug 21 2024, 10:27 am

Thank you so much to everyone who took time to respond, share words of comfort and chizuk and offer practical solutions. Your words of compassion and care truly have meant a lot.

Thank you for the Rabbi Russel recommendation for those who mentioned him. I've been watching his videos with Rabbi YY Jacobson and they are giving me chizuk.

It was a gradual descent that happened before he met her. His interest in being frum slightly bumped back up when he was dating the girl. He actually seemed to be more connected to learning, davening, etc., but it definitely dropped a lot after the break up.

It felt like our world got flipped on its head when the news broke and I found myself sitting in the van waiting to go inside and just bawling where no one was around to hear or see me. I know deep down that this is part of his story and he is on his own journey, but it's just hard to see your child in pain. Yes, I have to grieve that this hiccup wasn't something we envisioned or could have predicted, but I trust that in the same way HaShem has guided us in every other chinuch curve ball, that He will give us the chochma to deal with this one as well.

We are trying to be as compassionate and understanding as we can and tell him every day that we love him and will always have his back even if we don't always agree with him. Then we deal privately with our adult feelings about it in quiet moments when it's just my husband and I. So it feels like a 3 way ping-pong game at times where we deal directly with him and then pivot and make space for each other's feelings, perspectives and process.

Right now, I'm trying to balance giving him space and at the same time, being as warm, communicative and loving towards him in our interactions as I can – making favorite comfort foods, focusing more intently when he is talking with me, etc. BeH we will navigate this unforeseen bump in the road and all come out stronger and closer to HaKadosh Baruch Hu on the other side.

Thank you all so, so much.

amother

DarkOrange

Wed, Aug 21 2024, 11:03 am

Can I suggest some questions for him if the time works out?

Let's ignore what you don't want.
What do you want?
Where do you want to be in five years time?
What are you going towards?
What are your strengths?
Where do you feel you can use your strengths?
what makes you feel alive?
how can we harness that feeling?

A strong encouragement that you can be a frum yid and make your own decisions and choices goes a long way with kids who are feeling they can't be themselves where they are now.

It's been a torturous process and I can't say we're out of the woods yet 100% but giving my son that space has worked wonders for him. Taken him from the defensive to the proactive.

jewish girl

Wed, Aug 21 2024, 12:49 pm

I want to start by acknowledging the immense amount of pain that you are experiencing. As parents, we have a vision for our children, a path that we lovingly and painstakingly set before them, and to see our child seemingly "throw it all away" hurts. It hurts bad. At the same time, please understand that your son's choices are less a reflection of your parenting and more a manifestation of his own struggles and pain.

For a child to reject their family's faith, they have got to be in deep, deep pain. Rejecting their family's faith means subjecting themselves to guilt, fear of disappointing their family, possible rejection, etc. It is never a joyful "decision." Any child who makes such choices, is undoubtedly grappling with feelings and challenges that are overwhelming, leading to behaviors and decisions that may be hurtful, not because they want to hurt you, but because they are in pain.

I like to think of it as a child who lacks oxygen, gasping for air, flailing in desperation, not because he wishes to cause pain to those around him, but because he is simply struggling to breathe.

Nothing in this life occurs in a vacuum. When someone that we love is in pain, we are in pain too; sometimes we are in pain with them, and other times, their pain causes us pain.

No child wakes up and thinks, "how can I hurt my parents, family, and friends today?" They wake up and think, "How can I survive another day with the weight of my own fears, doubts, and longing for something that I can't quite name?" While trying to navigate a world that often feels heavy and unkind, when they hope to make sense of their pain, they may act out, withdraw, or challenge the very foundations they were raised on—not in an attempt to cause pain but in the desperate hope of finding a way to ease their own.

My best suggestion, and really my only one, is that you create a very strong support system for yourself—people who truly take care of you. Whether its a therapist, friends, family, whoever can best support you. Trying to navigate this on your own is confusing, and you need support so that you can best support your child. Even if you are trying to hide your disappointment and pain, your child can feel it. It may hurt him too but in his own pain, he may feel powerless and incapable of dealing with his pain in any other way, just like that child who desperately needs air. Take care of you so that you can reassure him that your love knows no limits. He needs to know that, even though he is making choices that you may disagree with, your love for him remains just as strong. He needs to know that he is loved and accepted for who he is, not what he does.

amother

Royalblue

Sat, Aug 24 2024, 8:28 pm

It is so painful when our children reject the loving chinuch and Torah values with which we have raised them. I wish that there was something to say to make you feel better. Nobody understands exactly what you are feeling, even if their child is having similar challenge because they aren't you. Your pain is real and legitimate. Just know, just like our children's successes aren't because of us, neither is this behavior. Love him and love him some more. And also, love yourself. Don't beat yourself up. You are a loving mother. Speak to your rov. Get support any way you can. Give yourself a break. Daven. Personally, I say tefilas haShlah every week after licht bentching. It is so hard. (I have my own challenge with one of my children.)
With regard to the girlfriend, if she is Jewish, be thankful for that and also that it's a she...something to not take for granted in today's "Woke" World.
Sending hugs!