FFB teen no longer wants to be frum

amother

OP ↓

Tue, Aug 20 2024, 1:32 pm

Our teenage son has told us he no longer wants to be frum.

He's been raised a frum-from-birth kid with loving limits, very involved and emotionally connecting parents, a high level of Torah knowledge and learning skills, and parents who have really invested in him, advocated for him and built him up through hard times.

We are reeling with shock, pain and disappointment. We have made countless sacrifices and prioritized the needs of our children above career ambition and our personal preferences. We have built a chinuch-centered home to teach our children how to be the best b'nei and bnos Torah they can be. There are no words to describe the level of investment we have made over so many years. Now, it's being thrown back in our faces by our teen because he is mad at HaShem.

To have our chinuch openly rejected and have our son say he wants to be moved out of yeshiva and into public school is just a pill we are struggling to swallow. He recently confessed to having a girlfriend for 6 months that he hid from us and only told us about after he had broken up with her.

I just don't recognize the son we've raised and it's breaking my heart to see him choose a derech completely opposite of the one he's been raised in. I know I'm not the only mother who has faced watching her child go off the derech but I just have no koach to navigate this right now. I'm devastated beyond words and don't know how to pick myself up from this, grieve it, love him unconditionally and continue to raise the rest of my children with the right perspective.

Any comfort or encouragement would be appreciated.

-- Brokenhearted Mom

amother

Melon

Tue, Aug 20 2024, 2:10 pm

Hi,
From a mother that has a son similar to yours:

I'm so sorry for the pain. It is unbearable, so allow yourself time to grieve.

When you feel ready to figure out how to navigate things, Kesher Nafshi has been the biggest bracha in my life. If not for them, I'm not sure what would have been... I've learned to work on our relationship and accept him for who he is. It's a journey, not always easy, but with their support and all the Kesher Nafshi 'normal' parents like you, it becomes a journey easier to navigate.

You can check out their website and watch some videos. Hopefully you reach out and join their next shabbaton. It'll make things so much easier.

Hugs!

amother

Dandelion

Tue, Aug 20 2024, 2:17 pm

amother Melon wrote:

Fellow KN mom here!
Unfortunately nobody chooses to be in that situation and nobody enjoys it but with the right framework you can navigate it slightly better or worse.
Your child is not rejecting everything you taught him, right now he's on his own journey. He's hurting. One day you might find out what triggered it or not.
Please go online and listen to rabbi Russell and others talking about this subject. It will give you chizuk and help you accept your child without creating power struggles, screaming matches and tension in the home!!
Your spouse and your other children need you to be strong!
Hug

amother

Fern

Tue, Aug 20 2024, 2:53 pm

I'm so sorry for the pain you are going through.

I don't know but it strikes a little unique to sit down and present this to parents. It seems like he is looking to get a reaction of sorts still. Not like the intellectual who goes OTD.

How old? 14 or 17? As in beginner teen or almost adult legally.. It's very different.

The crazy thing is that public school might actually put him back on the derech these days because he will experience lots of anti semitism right now. But a daring move.

I don't know where you are but I have seen lots of boys heal whatever emotions need healing and get their life together in Waterbury (boys that weren't forced to go). It seems like they really understand and have the environment necessary for healing and growth to happen.

Sometimes we do our very best but certain kids have needs more than average that don't get met for any number of reasons. And other times these kids just need a stranger to "do the job" instead of their parents. The space is good for them and helps them settle into a good place. And they are desperate for autonomy and self determination so that supplies it enough.

I just want to reiterate, I know its normal for you to keep looking at yourself and what you did, but sometimes it is beyond you. No human is perfection and sometimes this go askew because of a mismatch in circumstances that Hashem put there for a reason. We don't know why this child needs a certain path but if it happened, Hashem knows what he is doing and somehow we don't understand but it should be for the good.

And the girlfriend, don't worry too much if she is also otd, reframe it, another child his age who is hurting in a similar way, and healthy instincts b"h. Someone who is actually healing for him by understanding and validation.

You should iy"h have lots of nachas from him in the close future and all your children.

behappy2

Tue, Aug 20 2024, 3:06 pm

Hashem sees the efforts you put in and they aren't in vain. Everything you gave him is inside him. It's just dormant.

Instead of looking at it like he's not Frum a reframe would be that he's struggling with yiddishkeit. Frum is a broad spectrum and he can be his own kind of Frum. Teenagers can be very extreme but you can hold the space for him to be as Frum as he feels comfortable and not buy into his label.

amother

cornflower

Tue, Aug 20 2024, 3:17 pm

amother OP wrote:

Our teenage son has told us he no longer wants to be frum.

... Now, it's being thrown back in our faces by our teen because he is mad at HaShem.

Seems like there is a specific reason why he is doing this. While you should continue to show him love and build him up to be the best he can be, explore what caused him to be mad at H' that he rejects everything he has been brought up with. Was there trauma that still needs to be dealt with? Abuse? a bad rebbee / therapy that went wrong? Kids get mad at the slightest thing but usually grow out of it. Support him while you and him deal with this difficult nisayon.
Sending hugs.

amother

Hosta

Tue, Aug 20 2024, 3:22 pm

"Now, it's being thrown back in our faces by our teen because he is mad at HaShem."

Why is he mad?

In most cases teens are mad at Hashem because a person hurt them really badly.

I know it's super hard but can you see that it's that person who's ruining your chinuch, not your teen trying to hurt you? He's hurting too. And he's sharing his pain with you. He's not the original source of the pain.

Can you work together to overcome his challenges?

amother

Seagreen

Tue, Aug 20 2024, 3:37 pm

Are you a BT? I ask because you highlighted the fact that he's FFB. FFB kids also go through teen stages (although sometimes it's not a stage).

It sounds like you're working through a lot emotionally right now, so I assume the information in your OP is just you processing your experience and not the message you're sending to him. But, in case I'm wrong - speaking as a former kid who was in his shoes many years ago - please don't talk to him about sacrifices you made for him and how much you've invested. All he'll hear is how much you've sacrificed to try to get him to live the lifestyle of your choice. He won't interpret it as you loving him for whomever he is, but as you loving for him to be an extension of your own beliefs, and as you regretting investing in him, because he's not who you wanted him to be.

I hope that isn't hurtful. I'm just trying to help you to not communicate with him in ways that will backfire for your relationship.

amother

Burgundy

Tue, Aug 20 2024, 3:39 pm

I know the fear, the devastation, the sadness, when a child "rebels" from what we've given them.
Have you seen any different or odd behaviors?? Any telltale signs?
Teens take us through the wringer and back. In actuality he's requesting space and independence to explore. He needs to find it for himself. He needs your support and love while he finds himself.
Bhatzlacha and much nachas.
Try not to worry too much. He's G-d's child too, He can protect him.

Cheiny

Tue, Aug 20 2024, 4:12 pm

amother OP wrote:

I’m so sorry for your painful situation. You say you invested in him, advocated for him and built him up through hard times. When and what were those hard times about? These things don’t usually happen in a vacuum… are you aware of what led him to make this decision?

amother

Lily

Tue, Aug 20 2024, 4:19 pm

Maybe I’m naive but I’m imagining if this would happen to me (I only have babies) and I would basically say you don’t have to make a decision not to be frum. Nothing changes. You’re still a Jew who is obligated to do mitzvos, we are still your parents. So you’re going to choose not to daven today? Ok, that’s between you and Hashem. You’re going to choose to eat a cheeseburger now? Ok, that’s between you and Hashem. But then you’re going to have a kosher burger when you get home? Great, that’s a mitzvah, that’s still between you and Hashem. You’re going to help your friend? Great, that’s a mitzvah I’m proud of you. Still between you and Hashem. You can still make decisions in every moment about what you are going to do, and that’s your choice, and it’s not really my business, it’s between you and Hashem. Of course I want you to do as many mitzvos as you can but I can’t control that.

amother

Lightblue ↓

Tue, Aug 20 2024, 4:35 pm

Just sending you huge hugs.

My teen daughter is exploring as well, not saying she doesn’t want to be frum, but has drastically changed her way of dressing and we are looking at other school options.

It’s so hard.
Every time she comes out in her pants and low cut top it feels like a punch in the gut.

There aren’t really other options here for frum schools, so we are looking at either secular or MO (mixed) Jewish schools, or non-Jewish schools.

We love her and want what’s best for her, but at the same time a part of me is mourning the loss of what I thought (hoped) my children would be.

I know it’s not a reflection of me, she is going through her things, it’s her journey. But it’s still hard to remind myself of this everyday.

My husband keeps reminding me, we need to look at the bigger picture and focus on the long term. This is where we are now, this is not a prediction of what she will be at 20 or 25 or anytime in the future.
We try to keep the mood of our home positive and fun. If she’s still happy to hang out with us and her siblings in an upbeat frum environment we take that as a win and hope that impacts her future relationship with yiddishkeit.

amother

Sand

Tue, Aug 20 2024, 6:45 pm

chestnut wrote:

That sounds so painful.
Without knowing anything about his reasons or age, would he agree to a Modern Orthodox school, coed maybe?

I know a kid who went this route. It was the perfect solution for him. But it wouldn't work for many kids who want to go completely off. MO schools are shomer torah umitzvos and they believe in Hashem. Many such kids are not interested in that at all. That kid just wanted a less intense religious environment and didn't want to be pushed into the narrow box of his in town yeshiva.

giftedmom

Tue, Aug 20 2024, 6:52 pm

The sacrifices as you call them were actually you fulfilling your purpose. Your child was chosen to come into your home and his his own purpose to fulfill.
Children aren’t vending machines. We do our part, but at the end of the day they have their own journey.
Our job will always be to love them and be there for them.
Allow yourself to grieve for this reality you never envisioned.

↑ chestnut

Tue, Aug 20 2024, 6:56 pm

amother Sand wrote:

Right. As I said, I don't know about his reasons of being angry at Hashem.
Also, pointing out anti-Semitism would help if the kid isn't liberal himself, otherwise he's all into "everyone can coexist".