Wish we had a rav | Imamother

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Forum -> Parenting our children

Wish we had a rav

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amother

Mon, Aug 19 2024, 1:30 pm

I’ve been married over 20 years and it bothers me tremendously that I don’t have a Rav to ask my shailos to. My husband has his rabbi to ask nidda questions but no one to ask chinch questions to. Now that we have teens we have a few serious questions to ask but no one to ask it to. My husband is embarrassed to speak to anyone he knows, like the Rav of our shul, who he isn’t necessarily close to due to the sensitive nature of the questions we have. How do people find a Rav they are comfortable with?

amother

Navyblue

Mon, Aug 19 2024, 2:56 pm

I have a Rav that I ask many shailos to from out of town. I happened to ask via a MO Rav on instagram for a specific hashkafa rav and got a recommendation from him for a rav living in the same city. I had 2 introductory calls for getting to know each others background and ask this Rav all my family’s shailos via WhatsApp/calls. This specific Rav also happened to be personally involved with my main Rav a few years ago. You should
daven that Hashem helps you find a Rav with the right fit for you.

amother

Tiffanyblue ↓

Mon, Aug 19 2024, 2:58 pm

I would also like to find a good Rav and I’m not sure how to do it.

Molly Weasley ↓

Mon, Aug 19 2024, 3:16 pm

If DH has anyone from his Yeshiva days start there.

Otherwise it depends on your community.

I'm tremendously lucky that DH is very close to his Rosh Yeshiva and has developed relationships with other serious rabbis other the years. (DH encourages me to speak to his ruv. I've gone a couple of times over the years)

Do you/DH regularly go/listen to shiurim from a Ruv? He might be able to help you directly or give you direction.
DH has an "outside" rabbi he listens to regularly and speaks to him as needed.

amother

Caramel

Mon, Aug 19 2024, 7:41 pm

It's like all relationships. Trial and error. You reach out to one if you like him you go back. If you don't like him, you find someone else can try. You start with simpler questions and build up to more personal ones.

amother

Copper

Mon, Aug 19 2024, 7:47 pm

In Monsey Rabbi Schlessinger is great for chinuch questions. No need for your husband to be shy to ask, there are lomg lines every day

amother

↑ Tiffanyblue ↓

Mon, Aug 19 2024, 10:09 pm

I don’t know if OP has this problem, but the main reason I have a hard time finding a Rav is because DH doesn’t care for one. How does a women find a Rav or Rebbetzin when DH is not proactive about it?

amother

Babypink ↓

Mon, Aug 19 2024, 10:13 pm

Get a therapist

amother

Foxglove

Mon, Aug 19 2024, 10:24 pm

amother Copper wrote:

In Monsey Rabbi Schlessinger is great for chinuch questions. No need for your husband to be shy to ask, there are lomg lines every day

Wow how much time does he devote to talking to people?

amother

Thistle

Mon, Aug 19 2024, 11:13 pm

amother Tiffanyblue wrote:

exact same situation. Or DH says , nah we don't need to ask if I say I want to find a Rav to ask

↑ Molly Weasley ↓

Tue, Aug 20 2024, 12:49 am

amother Tiffanyblue wrote:

Ohhh.

Just wondering, what do you propose? You go see a ruv, secretly behind DH's back? Then what? Will DH listen to his advice? Will he feel annoyed / betrayed?
I think you should at least get the go ahead to seek out a ruv.

↑ Molly Weasley ↓

Tue, Aug 20 2024, 12:50 am

amother Foxglove wrote:

Wow how much time does he devote to talking to people?

I don't know this personally, but I hear there's a literal line every day.

amother

↑ Tiffanyblue ↓

Tue, Aug 20 2024, 10:04 am

Molly Weasley wrote:

No I would never do it secretly. I’m very open about everything I do. I have questions related to chinuch and life decisions for our family and it would be helpful to have a wise Rav that we can speak to for advice. My husband would listen to the advice and would not care if I asked questions to a Rav. The problem is he has no interest in making the calls, waiting on the lines and all that.

↑ Molly Weasley ↓

Tue, Aug 20 2024, 10:20 am

amother Babypink wrote:

Get a therapist

? In what world does a therapist replace a Ruv?

amother

↑ Babypink

Tue, Aug 20 2024, 10:21 am

Molly Weasley wrote:

? In what world does a therapist replace a Ruv?

I think a frum therapist is better suited to give chinuch advice than a rav.

amother

↑ Tiffanyblue

Tue, Aug 20 2024, 11:45 am

amother Babypink wrote:

I think a frum therapist is better suited to give chinuch advice than a rav.

Not always

ruchelbuckle

Thu, Aug 22 2024, 8:20 am

First, off, no. A therapist doesn't replace a Rav. Full stop.

To the OP: ask your friends in your city who they speak to. Get a few names and numbers. Find out when the Ravs calling hours are. Just call and introduce yourself and ask if its a good time....if not when would be a good time to speak.

Ideally, if the Rav has a shul you should join the shul, even if you can't pay the full membership fees.

There is a Rav in my city that I feel very comfortable asking for eitzos for different issues with my kids. We pay membership to his shul even though we rarely go there (my husband feels like the crowd is not "his type")

It will take a while to build a relationship with a Rav, but that's okay. And the more questions you ask, the more he will get go know you and your family, I have a friend who said to me, "I don't ask our shul Rav chinuch shailos. He doesnt know my kids." I said, "he's not going to get to know them if you dont start to ask shailos!"

Also, it might take a while to find the right fit. Your friend might speak to Rabbi X, but you find he's too abrupt or whatever...that's okay. Someone else will IYH be a better fit.

Also, despite what you might read on this site, most community and shul Rabbonim are very nice people and just want to help people.

↑ Molly Weasley

Thu, Aug 22 2024, 1:38 pm

ruchelbuckle wrote:

Also, despite what you might read on this site, most community and shul Rabbonim are very nice people and just want to help people.

Oh, I wish this can be pinned on every conversation about halacha.

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