Doing bedtime routine alone

amother

↑ Olive

Thu, Aug 15 2024, 7:30 pm

amother OP wrote:

Still home alone with a screaming baby and my house is a disaster and we’re hosting Shabbos. But I guess this is normal and I’m supposed to be happy

Host less often, unless it really brings you joy

amother

↑ OP ↓

Thu, Aug 15 2024, 7:31 pm

amother Olive wrote:

Yes, except for cleaning help. I have once a week or every other week. Could you get more cleaning help? Even every other week is a big difference from once a month.

No it would be $500 a month to have every week I don’t have that kind of money.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Thu, Aug 15 2024, 7:31 pm

amother Olive wrote:

Host less often, unless it really brings you joy

I hardly ever host. I was feeling lonely because I’m home all week so thought this was the right thing to do.

amother

Valerian

Thu, Aug 15 2024, 7:33 pm

Op, stop working. Stop taking care of the bills. Stop hosting.

Start exercising. Start working on your hobbies. Even if it's just a stupid puzzle for one time a week for 2 hours.
Once your kids are older, you can start hosting again. Once you feel on top of the chaos you can start working again if you so choose to.
Do not take the responsibility of paying the bills.

amother

Denim ↓

Thu, Aug 15 2024, 7:33 pm

My husband is a dr. and I've done everything on my own for 20 yrs. Including every third or 4th weekend (which inc shabbos). Plus 1 weekday night a week on top of days (meaning, he doesn't get off the next day after working all night). The first 10 years he was in his training so no extra money for help. Then I got used to it and just didn't want someone in my space.

I know wives of corporate lawyers and investment bankers. Their schedules suck too. Such is life. Spouses aren't always around. Honestly, if they're really a loving father, kids appreciate what they get and it's ok. But not every wife is cut out for it and you usually don't realize it til you're in the middle of it and it's too late.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Thu, Aug 15 2024, 7:37 pm

amother Valerian wrote:

We need the money, I would if I could.
It’s not realistic that he’ll take over the bills. We’ve discussed it.

amother

↑ Denim

Thu, Aug 15 2024, 7:46 pm

I think the nitty gritty of day to day life is overglorified. It's hard and it's often unrewarding. No one is breezing through life but no one wants to admit that most of the time. You're going to have to find joys in other areas of your life. Forget about hosting for shabbos as a means of socializing. Just find another mom to hanging out with when it's just your baby with you. Put on some music, eat some fun snacks and just vent to one another.

amother

Pearl

Thu, Aug 15 2024, 8:04 pm

My best advice is hire a mothers helper for yourself. It could be a 6/7th grader and they don’t usually charge so much (I guess depends where you live)
Have her come over three times a week after you get back from work to play with your kids and you do something for you, whether exercise read a book etc.

Maryann

Thu, Aug 15 2024, 8:08 pm

Didn't read responses properly

But to answer your op
YES It's very very common
Can't remember last time I had help

I don't think it's normal or easy but it's just how life happens

amother

Sage

Thu, Aug 15 2024, 8:16 pm

Bedtime is very hard but I prefer doing it alone. Dh riles up the children and they stay up later when he is around. Even though it’s hard to do it alone, I encourage him to stay away during bedtime.
I do all what you said except work and take care of bills. I leave the financials to Dh and I do EVERYTHING else. At some points , I felt resentful but then I realized that I prefer it this way and that it’s more effective and better for everyone.

amother

Coral

Thu, Aug 15 2024, 8:19 pm

amother OP wrote:

How do you feel happy without ever having time to pursue your goals and interests? I used to love working but I’ve had to continuously cut hours and drop out of my original career path. I used to have hobbies and exercise. Is everyone else the same way and somehow still happy?

Your kids will grow older and in a few short years not need bedtime help anymore

amother

DarkKhaki ↓

Thu, Aug 15 2024, 8:30 pm

amother OP wrote:

Still home alone with a screaming baby and my house is a disaster and we’re hosting Shabbos. But I guess this is normal and I’m supposed to be happy

there’s no ‘supposed to’

also hosting is not mandatory and NOT for those in your stage of life with so many balls in the air

amother

↑ OP ↓

Thu, Aug 15 2024, 8:36 pm

amother DarkKhaki wrote:

there’s no ‘supposed to’

also hosting is not mandatory and NOT for those in your stage of life with so many balls in the air

Do you have another idea for how I should socialize? I work during the week as do most other women in my community. That’s not a ball I’d prefer to drop.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Thu, Aug 15 2024, 8:38 pm

amother Coral wrote:

Your kids will grow older and in a few short years not need bedtime help anymore

This doesn’t really sit well with me. I have 2 kids and I want more at some point. I’d like to think there’s a way I can squeeze meaningful time into my calendar that’s sooner than 10 years from now.

amother

Hyacinth ↓

Thu, Aug 15 2024, 8:38 pm

amother Coral wrote:

Your kids will grow older and in a few short years not need bedtime help anymore

When?? I still need to put my 13 yo to sleep
My kids range baby- 13
They all need direction and help

amother

↑ DarkKhaki ↓

Thu, Aug 15 2024, 8:40 pm

amother OP wrote:

Do you have another idea for how I should socialize? I work during the week as do most other women in my community. That’s not a ball I’d prefer to drop.

go to shul on shabbos. even if there’s no eruv have your husband go to hashkama and you go to a later minyan.

are there women’s shiurim (weekly? monthly?)

you said you work part time. is it from home? can you socialize with other moms at the playground when you’re not working?

amother

↑ DarkKhaki ↓

Thu, Aug 15 2024, 8:41 pm

amother Hyacinth wrote:

When?? I still need to put my 13 yo to sleep
My kids range baby- 13
They all need direction and help

what does it mean to ‘put a 13 year old to sleep’’?

amother

Tiffanyblue

Thu, Aug 15 2024, 11:15 pm

amother OP wrote:

And do you also do the dinners every night, dishes, appointments, bills, daycare pickups, cleaning help only once a month, and have a part time job? Idk maybe there’s something wrong with me but I’m really struggling with it all.

Yup- everything but the bills
Worked 4 days a week
4 kids under the age of 8-had more help then moved to Israel and had no help. And a husband working in America 2 weeks a month.
All my friends did the same- no one's husband helped that much even if they were home
And we all survived
This generation needs to get over themselves

amother

Skyblue ↓

Thu, Aug 15 2024, 11:33 pm

Just because other people do it and are ok with it, doesn't mean it's right for you. If you are resentful and exhausted, you aren't helping anyone by saying well, everyone else does it so I must also.

If it's not working , you need to change it and your husband needs to get on board. You need to reshuffle the dynamic in your home because you are a person too and you have needs that have to be met. You may also need some financial counseling to help you move out of the work force, even if for a few years until your kids are older, or to move you to a job that brings you fulfillment but works for your life.

You are the foundation of your home. If you aren't happy and healthy, your home can't be. You can shift things around if you and your husband are really ready to do a deep dive and figure it out.

amother

Cyan ↓

Thu, Aug 15 2024, 11:54 pm

amother OP wrote:

Still home alone with a screaming baby and my house is a disaster and we’re hosting Shabbos. But I guess this is normal and I’m supposed to be happy

Raising babies is hard!

"Everyone" is not just having it easy, it's more about finding satisfaction amongst the chaos & figuring out how to make things work.

Someone already mentioned cleaning help, I'd do whatever it takes to get that.

Why are you hosting? I'd stop that now. Why add all that extra work on yourself?