How important hot food Lechayim/Vort

amother

↑ Daphne ↓

Wed, Aug 14 2024, 3:51 am

amother Dill wrote:

So interesting to read responses
I've traveled far for vorts and even if there was food I never felt comfortable to sit and eat or feed myself and kids a full meal

It didn't help that there was food
I forsure fed kids before and packed enough or went to eat after.

I'm trying to picture it..you drive let's say up to 6 hours or more then you get to the vort ...sit your kids down and yourself and start bringing full dinner plates to each kid?

Is that what people do?

If the vort is in a hall, then I would have them arrive earlier and feed them at home.
If the vort is at home, I would feed them hot food in the kitchen.
If they are late, they can snack at the vort and get hot food afterwards

amother

↑ Daphne ↓

Wed, Aug 14 2024, 3:57 am

amother DarkPurple wrote:

Why is it on the baal simcha to give hot food? If you are driving for a few hours pack up something and bring it along. Same as if you were going on vacation. No big deal really. A vort doesn't really have the expectation of having hot food. Especially if one can't afford it. If you know beforehand plan accordingly.

I find it disrespectful to expect people to come and honor me with their presence and be absolutely impersonal about it as if they are not family.
My SIL fed me food when I came to the bris, 8 days postpartum. I didn’t expect it but that was a given.
Feeding a traveler is basic.

amother

↑ Sienna

Wed, Aug 14 2024, 4:21 am

amother RosePink wrote:

I'll defend amother sienna here. I get it, I've been there. You're expected to go, you go through the craziness of getting everyone fed, dressed & in the car on time. Then sit in traffic for a couple hours, then spend another couple hours at the event. Once back in the car everyone's grumpy & kvetchy from being hungry & eating cake instead of something more substantial.

Of course you can pack food but I usually don't manage that in the rush & the snacks I grabbed on the way out won't cut it.

Of course you can circle around in a town you don't know trying to find food late at night.

Of course no one will die of hunger.

Bottom line is having some more substantial options for oot guests goes a long way in giving them a more enjoyable experience.

In response to the op, is there a lower cost option that will still offer some real food? Kugels, pastas etc

Exactly.

First of all this specific relative has money but is just very cheap. I'm talking about barely ANY food at all at the vort. Like a couple plates of cookies, a couple cakes, and one fruit platter. Yes my kids are hungry. I'm expected to be there with my kids most of the time as our side is really tiny and we kind of make up the vort. Besides the baal simcha themselves, everyone drives in. Almost all their kids already married with big families. By the last vort, I couldn't even give my kids anything as they didn't have enough plates. It's very very frustrating. We all drove in, paid $30 or more in tolls to come, basic decency is to have some food for us. It's obnoxious not to. Food doesn't need to be hot but if you make a suppertime vort you should have some food. If you don't want to then make it from 2-4 in the afternoon or 8-10 at night after ppl have eaten including ppl coming in from other places.

At the last wedding they made, they only paid for 10 kids meals even though their grandchildren themselves are over 20 ppl. Kids were all upset. Wasnt the end of the world but don't invite ppl you don't plan on feeding.

↑ Chayalle ↓

Wed, Aug 14 2024, 4:38 am

amother DarkPurple wrote:

If you are tight on money you don't need to do hot food. You can tell the people that are coming from out of town so they can prep accordingly. Hot food costs extra thousands of dollars why do you need to do that for a few families? They can pack food with them or go buy pizza which costs substantially less than paying for hot food for everyone.

Where I live it doesn't. Definitely not thousands. It's usually some pans of sesame chicken, chicken fingers, etc.....and it gives my guests something more substantial after travelling.

One thing I will mention - a relative of mine told me that she has to have tons of hot food because people in her neighborhood will come in to a vort and totally feed their kids a full supper every time someone makes a Simcha. This is not common where I live BH - bringing kids to a vort is totally about family and very close friends, not a free-for-all for anyone who doesn't feel like cooking dinner that night.

amother

Aquamarine ↓

Wed, Aug 14 2024, 4:51 am

amother Sienna wrote:

I'll disagree as someone who lives oot and for me, this sort of travel involves quite a bit more than $30 in tolls, not to mention approximately 4-5 hours of travel each way minimum. Yes, part of our traveling prep is to think about and make food plans, because that's what you do when it's a day of traveling. It's not easy but that's life. BH for when we do it for simchas and not c"v for other things.

Unless it's the sort of simcha that traditionally serves an actual meal, such as a bris, bar mitzvah dinner, or wedding, it's a bit much to expect a host to offer the sort of food that takes the place of a meal. It's also not fair to get angry at hosts who are trying to make a simcha they can comfortably afford or possibly follow certain guidelines. It's certainly nice if they do, but I'll tell you straight out that the majority of the ones I've attended do not.

If you know a specific host does not offer more than the basic cake and fruit, that's on you to plan accordingly.

amother

↑ Daphne ↓

Wed, Aug 14 2024, 5:32 am

amother Aquamarine wrote:

As I said before I would feel awful if my family members stayed hungry while coming for my simcha.
I would at least find out what the plan is or offer to crash by us to hang out and eat something simple.
More often than not these family members give monetary gifts that cover food, if I were ever to calculate how much it costs to host cherished family members (I hope and pray to never be put in the position).

But I will reiterate that it helps to separate local guests from travelers. You don’t need hot food for everyone.

amother

↑ Honeydew ↓

Wed, Aug 14 2024, 5:41 am

amother Sienna wrote:

I still disagree. Maybe they dont have as much as you think or even more admirable they are trying to do what is done in their circles not raise the bar for people who cant afford. I don’t understand how you go anywhere with children without bringing along food. Its not hard to make a few sandwiches and make sure everyone is fed and happy. If it werent for the simcha you would still have to feed your kids so I dont see how cost comes into play here.

↑ Chayalle ↓

Wed, Aug 14 2024, 5:46 am

amother Daphne wrote:

I don't understand, wasn't there a Bris Seuda? Why did she have to feed you food separately from that? (expecting this of a woman who is 8 day postpartum is, IMVHO, impersonal to HER needs. It most definitely is not a given.)

amother

↑ Daphne ↓

Wed, Aug 14 2024, 5:50 am

Chayalle wrote:

It wasn’t expected but when we arrived it was served. I am explaining that such things are non negotiable in some cultures.
The bris wasn’t hot food and it was later

amother

Cerulean ↓

Wed, Aug 14 2024, 5:52 am

The bottom line is that if the hosts can afford to do this without too much extra stress, it is a very nice thing to provide. I cannot imagine anyone would want their presence at a Simcha to be the cause of more financial stress even if it means they have to make extra arrangements for their food.

If you can do, if you can't don't. Make it as nice as you can within your limits.

Signed, someone who has had to significantly lower her standards when making simchas because she simply couldn't afford to do more. I sure hope my relatives don't think I'm obnoxious.

PS- my simchas were all very nice btw, even if they were simple

amother

Tanzanite

Wed, Aug 14 2024, 5:57 am

I think there's a range between full hot meal to few cakes and cookies. In my circles I don't think I've ever seen a full hot meal like chicken or meat.
I have seen fish, platters of mini sandwiches or wraps, sushi or sushi salad, salads etc. Maybe some kugel.
I know it's difficult when you've made the effort to travel several hours with children and you just want some real food. However, I don't think it needs to be a full meal. Of course as hosts it would be great if they did offer more food, but as guests I don't think we can expect it.
I will usually prepare before and bring along food, or eat out before the simcha starts. Does it add up more money, yes, but I would have had to spend the money on a meal whether it was home or away. I personally think it's best when my kids have eaten before, that way they're not filling themselves up on cake and cookies. Because when my kids are offered the choice between salmon or cake, I can predict which one they'll want. And then they won't eat any real food and will spend the time after the event on the drive back either high from all the junk they've eaten and/or complaining they're starving.
Of course events such as a bar mitzva seudah, wedding etc I would expect to be served real food, but not for a lchaim/vort/kiddush type event.
I think it's about what our expectations are of others and we should each be putting ourselves in the others shoes. How as a host would I feel if I'm forced to have to cater real food for everyone, or as a guest how would I feel if there wasn't anything to eat, and reframing in advance.

amother

↑ Bottlebrush

Wed, Aug 14 2024, 7:02 am

amother Cerulean wrote:

I don’t think people should spend as much as they can making general expectations higher. This puts pressure on everyone by creating “new normals”. 20 years ago, no one would expect “real food” at a vort.

amother

Burlywood ↓

Wed, Aug 14 2024, 7:21 am

amother Bottlebrush wrote:

I disagree.
I’ve been married for around 25 years, live out of town, and my vort was in a hall and I’m pretty sure we had real food. Everyone can just do what they want, if a vort will be when people are going to be hungry serve some nice salads. Pasta salads are fine, there are cheaper vegetable salads, etc.

amother

↑ RosePink ↓

Wed, Aug 14 2024, 7:22 am

amother Tanzanite wrote:

This is what I meant by real food. No one is expecting a full entrée.

amother

↑ Cerulean

Wed, Aug 14 2024, 7:22 am

amother Bottlebrush wrote:

Look, there are always going to be differences in people's financial capabilities. It's just a fact and no amount of lamenting the unfairness of it is going to change that. There will always be wealthy show offs, wealthy modest people, the ones keeping up with the Cohens with ease, the ones who go into debt keeping up with the Cohens and the ones who stick to their limits.

Op asked if she should serve the hot food if she can't easily afford it. Obviously hot food is a thing otherwise there would be no question. IMHO she should not. But if she could I see know reason why she shouldn't.

amother

↑ RosePink

Wed, Aug 14 2024, 7:23 am

amother Burlywood wrote:

This. Almost 30 years ago my brother's vort had a full meal. It was actually very common then.