Stop the hurting! | Imamother

amother

OP ↓

Fri, Aug 02 2024, 3:51 pm

How do I punish children/stop children from physically hurting each other?

I am at a loss. Consequences don’t work. Time out doesn’t work.

I have 4 girls very close in age ages 4-9 and I’m at my wits end

Give me clear clear idea of what to do

amother

Dustypink

Fri, Aug 02 2024, 3:59 pm

The way I see it, hitting usually comes from a place of dysregulation and not quite being in control, and punishing won't solve that.

They need to learn too regulate their emotions, which may start with you being regulated and co regulating with them.

By regulating, I mean being present with your emotions without overreacting. Co regulating means to be present with your kids intense emotions without you overreacting.

amother

Saddlebrown

Fri, Aug 02 2024, 4:10 pm

Siblings fight it’s part of life. There is nothing wrong with them. I don’t get involved and let them work it out unless someone is being dangerous or violent.

amother

NeonYellow

Fri, Aug 02 2024, 4:20 pm

I think it’s time for a family meeting
Perhaps you can get ideas from
https://bratbusters.com/

Here is the behavior board
https://www.scribd.com/documen.....tions

And perhaps they can work together to earn something special

amother

↑ OP

Sun, Aug 04 2024, 12:06 am

Fighting might be normal (although I disagree, I think getting on nerves, and little quibbles is one thing, really fighting I don’t think is necessary or ok. But doesn’t matter).

They are not just fighting. They are physically hurting each other. Not boys who tackle for fun and move on. Real scratches, punching, biting. Whaaaat?! That’s not normal!! And you’d never know. They appear to all be suuuuch well behaved kids to the outside world! (Bh grateful for that)

It’s just a domino effect. One will get upset. Pinch the offender. And then the hurting begins. It comes to a point they don’t even hear me talking

#BestBubby ↓

Sun, Aug 04 2024, 1:22 am

Separate them

You must play in playroom

You must play in living room

You must play in kitchen

You must play in bedroom.

Separate them for eating also

One eats in kitchen, one in dining room.
Do two shifts.

↑ #BestBubby

Sun, Aug 04 2024, 1:25 am

If timeout didn't work it wasn't long enough.

If I fined you a $1 for speeding you wouldn't care.

Any hitting, lock them in their room at least 15 minutes.

amother

Brass

Sun, Aug 04 2024, 4:08 am

Do your girls feel loved, accepted and safe at home with their parents?

In my experience during childhood, we had lots of fighting and quarreling because we didn't have the above. It's up to parents to create a happy environment where there is a healthy dynamic between parents and children and that kind of spills over into the home.

There will be fights regardless but it shouldn't be as intense. No real animosity or hate.

Bnei Berak 10

Sun, Aug 04 2024, 4:12 am

#BestBubby wrote:

This is what Rav Avner Kavas recommends. He is an expert in chinuch.

amother

Orange

Mon, Aug 05 2024, 4:11 am

Find a therapist who teaches PCIT PRIDE skills for you to learn how to interact with kids so they behave the way you want them to behave.

soproud

Mon, Aug 05 2024, 6:17 am

#BestBubby wrote:

If timeout didn't work it wasn't long enough.

If I fined you a $1 for speeding you wouldn't care.

Any hitting, lock them in their room at least 15 minutes.

What?! I think locking a child in a room like this is terrible advice.
I think the women who posted about emotional regulation are on target. It needs to be modeled to them and it takes work.

naomi2

Mon, Aug 05 2024, 7:39 am

Read "siblings without rivalry"
They also need you to model how to use words to solve problems. Definitely separating them while they are hurting each other is a good idea but you need to read the book to know how to prevent the fighting in the first place

amother

Cerise

Mon, Aug 05 2024, 7:48 am

#BestBubby wrote:

If timeout didn't work it wasn't long enough.

If I fined you a $1 for speeding you wouldn't care.

Any hitting, lock them in their room at least 15 minutes.

Many kids need an adult for co-regulation.

When I locked my eldest in his room alone, he would just trash the place, or pound on the door screaming until he nearly threw up. Who does that help?

I understand removing a child from the triggering sibling, but expecting them to just “learn their lesson” on their own by being punished isn’t sufficient.

Some children will get worse (like mine, and I had to gain parenting tools that worked for them). Some children will “comply” yet hold onto shame or resentment that comes out later.