I don’t gentle parent

EstyEF ↓

Thu, Aug 01 2024, 11:20 am

With my toddlers—
But I don’t/ won’t hit or physically punish my kids. I do put them in time out when they misbehave- hitting their siblings, screaming at me etc. 1 minute per year of age.

Sometimes I walk away from them when they are crying and kvetching incessantly.

I tell them that it is ok to feel frustrated and angry but they can’t scream or hit. Sometimes they have to listen to tatty/ mommy because it’s mommy/ tottys job to keep them safe. It doesn’t have to make sense to them, I don’t really care if they understand. They just need to know that they listen to mommy/totty because it is for their own good.

That said I 100% believe in healthy attachments so I allow my kids to need me—
Snuggling them if they wake up in the night, extended breastfeeding my toddler, baby wearing, holding them if they need to be held

When they are extremely kind and well behaved I tell them they have made HaShem so happy .

I feel like everyone is either “gentle parenting” or completely the other way! (Tell me about your mix!?

mha3484

Thu, Aug 01 2024, 11:32 am

I am a medium parent. I take some aspects of gentle parenting, some aspects from collaborative problem solving and some aspects of my 80s/90s childhood that just make sense to me. I play the long game. How do I get you to be a functional adult who is pleasant to be around and and can manage in the world.

This is what I like about collaborative problem solving. Because really this is how adults solve their problems so why not teach it to kids and teens. I don't sweat the small stuff. Not everything needs to be seen and heard. I pick my battles and focus on one issue at a time.

amother

Slategray

Thu, Aug 01 2024, 11:42 am

I’m usually pretty gentle but if my 2 year old does something very dangerous I do scare him. Example: pepper in mouth for biting. He was biting kids at daycare and that was absolutely not ok and very dangerous.

I also believe very strongly that a lot of “trouble” is not actually misbehavior. Example: he usually gets praised for doing things himself and learning new skills. So why would he know that it’s “wrong” to “make” himself supper-and in the process spill all the ingredients everywhere. This is not misbehavior. I might point out the mess to him just so he notices but I don’t do timeout or speak to him sternly, I praise him for trying.

amother

NeonGreen

Thu, Aug 01 2024, 11:45 am

I don’t think I fall in a category. I do a lot of self esteem building, encouraging independence, being their biggest cheerleader. But I also have house rules that are not negotiable. Punishments are only for danger and hurting others.

amother

Thistle

Thu, Aug 01 2024, 11:47 am

I really tried some of the gentle stuff but it didn't work on my kids. It's all nice in theory but when I said stuff like "do you want to put on the red shorts or the blue shorts," they just said they didn't want any shorts. My kids are not dumb. I do try to validate them, but not too much because I think at a certain point we can't wallow in feelings or kids don't learn resilience. I ignore tantrums and whining, but with tantrums I might say something to the other kids like "x is having a hard time. Stay away from x and give x space." We do timeouts when necessary and we take away things if the punishment fits. And I try to pick my battles.

amother

Dandelion

Thu, Aug 01 2024, 11:48 am

I'm a work in progress parent. Is that a thing?

I sit with my kids at night if they need me, but I also set limits for when and how much and only if they are in bed at a certain time

I sit with my kid when they are scared of the thunder but I also tell my kid about how strong Hashem is and that he can take care of us and he is showing us his strength

I try to control my anger and emotions by doing my own work and taking time to process my feelings but sometimes when I am pushed to the edge I say things I regret

I try to set times to be present with my kids each day but I often need encouragement to pull through with it and at other times my kids can talk to me and my mind can be miles away

I accept a lot of difficult emotions from my kids and I am told how amazing it is that I can hold that for them

I will go out to the store to get my kids frozen pancakes in the morning but don't have the energy to cook supper every night

I have lots of faults and lots of strengths and I continue every day to learn new skills and grow. I turn to mentors, therapists, parenting coaches and books to guide me and my own inner knowing. I love my kids too much to just not keep trying. And they know it. I tell them all the time how I am learning to be a better parent.

amother

Denim

Thu, Aug 01 2024, 12:32 pm

I personally don’t believe in using one technique at all times for all kids. Every child and every situation is different.
You do what works best in every situation. Sometimes it works better than others. The goal is to turn them into well-rounded human beings with good middos. They shouldn’t end up being spoiled, selfish, rude people.
I think gentle parenting can have it’s good parts but I vehemently disagree with using it as the one and only parenting method.

↑ EstyEF

Thu, Aug 01 2024, 2:06 pm

giftedmom wrote:

You sound like you’re defending yourself against an invisible judgement. You do you as long as you’re not abusive.
We all need to listen to our gut, and to our children, not get sold on any particular arbitrary method.

Not defensive, just curious.

Seems to be a hot issue here on imamother these days..:everything so black and white. Just interested in hearing from other moms who do a little bit of everything

amother

Stone ↓

Fri, Aug 02 2024, 10:33 am

amother Dandelion wrote:

Gosh you sound a lot like me. Do you have inattentive adhd?
Hugs it’s such a thrilling journey to be so colorful as a mom huh 🤔

amother

↑ Stone

Fri, Aug 02 2024, 10:37 am

giftedmom wrote:

I disagree. She is curiously reaching out to hear about the pros and cons of the style she is current;y using. As a mon who is always thinking- maybe I need to tweak it with this kid etc…- I so relate.

Curiosity is key in life.