What's wrong here?

amother

Mon, Jul 29 2024, 7:29 am

I'm feeling particularly frustrated with my 13 yo daughter.

Every sentence she speaks starts with "Mommy I need.." or "Can I buy.." or "Mommy can you get me..?"

She has little regard for me, not considering that her requests sometimes comes at the wrong time, like after an exhausting day when I'm lying stretched out on my bed, or on Shabbos when I can't actually check my emails to find out when her very-not-urgent Amazon items are arriving.

It seems like all she thinks about is how much she can squeeze out of me (and my husband) so that she can get more stuff for herself. While I often try to engage her in friendly conversation, she doesn't offer much about her school life or her (many) friends.

I know that her behavior is somewhat appropriate for her age, but that doesn't make it tolerable.

Interestingly, my 2 younger daughters are not like this at all. While my 13 year old was away at camp for the first half of this summer it became apparent how much I enjoy being a mother to my 2 wonderful younger daughters who are both aware of and considerate about my feelings. They talk to me about their day, their friendships, share their musings, and while they have normal ups and downs they are generally happy and grateful. It's easy to see that they aren't on a crazed mission of what else can I squeeze out of my mother?

I'll note that my 13 year old also gave me lots of heartache this year with an utterly exhausting high-school acceptance fiasco, because her low grades made it difficult for her to get in anywhere. And while it's not her fault at all, it doesn't help me feel better about this child.

Seeing me lying stretched out on my bed after an exhausting day my younger daughters might choose to start their sentence with "Mommy, when you have time...can you please...". (I taught all my kids this sensitivity). My 13 year old however seems to have no understanding that her mother is a human being and she's fully absorbed with just herself.

In addition to all of this she has other typical teenage behaviors, like being too impatient to hear me out, or suddenly refusing to wear a brand new thing she'd desperately wanted. I'm a little less concerned about these "teenage behaviors" because I see it more as a passing phase, or even a right of passage, however the selfishness and lack of connection really gets me.

Last night, just as my husband and I were falling asleep she peeked into our room and asked me a question. My husband's reply was "Shhh...Tottys sleeping". And while she could clearly see that and hear him she just repeated her question. And no, it wasn't important.

This morning in the privacy of our room I went off on a little rant about her. What's wrong with her? is all I want to know.

Chayalle ↓

Mon, Jul 29 2024, 7:30 am

She's thirTEEN.

She also likely is a different personality type than your younger daughters, perhaps more high strung, more sensitive, more needy. It's how Hashem made her. There's nothing WRONG per se (based on your description) she's just different. Hashem wanted you to have one child that is more challenging than the other two (and comparisons will not help). He wants you to stretch yourself more, and sometimes to set limits more. To find the balance where to do one (stretching) and where to do the other (limits). Because parenting isn't about me, what's easy and convenient for me, when I want me time or want to sleep. It's about growing and developing more patience in myself, and stretching my own limits in the process. And yes, sometimes teaching her to respect my me time, and sometimes giving it up......

A mother just like you - with one who needs more of me

amother

Darkblue

Mon, Jul 29 2024, 8:12 am

Op is your daughters personality a lot like you. Because everything your complaining about sounds exactly like what you are doing. I hear shes not a good daughter to “me” why cant she recognize that “I” need. Often the kids we have the most trouble with are the ones that share a negative middah in ourselves. Work on yourself become a better role model and focus on this daughter’s good qualities. Im sure shes picking up and feeding off of your negative feelings towards her. Often when kids are self focused it’s because they dont feel like anyone else is really looking out for them/ gets them so they need to focus on taking care of their own needs and getting as much stuff as possible.

giftedmom

Mon, Jul 29 2024, 8:12 am

The answer is in your question. Reread your post and you’ll see it. You say there is a lack of connection. It goes both ways. You say “she was giving you heartache” because you had a hard time getting her into school. Have you considered her feelings at all throughout this whole “fiasco”? You say she doesn’t see you as human or consider your feelings. Do you consider hers? Throughout this whole school ordeal did you ever talk to her about how it felt to be rejected?
13 is a very very sensitive age. And if she feels rejected, less than, ashamed, unseen and unheard, she will pull away from you. And it seems she has.
It’s not too late to repair. But you need to take a good hard look at your relationship and take responsibility for your part in it.

mummiedearest

Mon, Jul 29 2024, 8:39 am

You’re clearly frustrated. Some kids are harder. You seem to think that she doesn’t pick up on your feelings very well. I suspect she does, actually. She may feel she can never be good enough for you. Her grades are too low, high schools didn’t want her, mommy’s perception of her leans heavily on high school acceptance, and her two little sisters can do no wrong. She can’t get outward signs of your approval for her accomplishments that are school related. Maybe she’s asking you for things as signs of approval and love. Maybe that’s why she won’t use all those things she begged for- they served their purpose by being bought.

Kids this age are self-centered. Yup, coming to your room to talk super late is normal. You have to spell things out for her- it’s too late for this conversation, we’ll talk about it tomorrow. Then make sure to bring it up the next day.

What do you do to connect with her? Do you take her out solo periodically? Ask detailed questions about her school day with real interest? Follow up on social situations she’s dealing with? Encourage her to bring friends home? Do you sometimes notice that she’s upset and bring her a treat and sit with her? How often do you hug her spontaneously just because you love her? These things go a long way. If you can’t do these things out of pure love, fake it till you make it. She’ll mature soon enough. Until then, she still needs your love and approval. Give her those. While you are doing that, you can certainly limit the Amazon purchases. Come up with rules: Amazon order day is the 20th of every given month. We can add to the cart until then, then we review everything before deciding what to purchase. Something like that. It’s possible that you adding it to the cart for her will be enough and you won’t end up buying as much. She may just want to know you hear her requests and take them seriously.