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Forum
-> Parenting our children
-> Teenagers and Older children
amother
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 Mon, Jul 29 2024, 2:09 am
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She cant move forward because she doesnt want to move in the direction of what is “accepted”. She loves the outdoors and animals and nature and hates the city. We already live in the burbs. She is definitely out of the box type. She wants to get married and have kids but I have no idea how she is going to reconcile getting married, having a frum lifestyle with frum husband and her personal desires. I think maybe she doesnt want to be frum and cant admit it either to us or herself. She just seems so unhappy and stuck. If she could be frum in the middle of nowhere in a farm she would be ecstatic. But alas she cant raise a family without a community, schhols, shul. At least I dont think so. I am at a loss on how to advise her.
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Elfrida
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Mon, Jul 29 2024, 2:16 am
This is a long term plan, but how would she feel about making aliyah? She can live on a small yishuv, in an agriculture based environment, and still in the middle of a frum community.
It won't help in the moment, but if she can work towards that, the frustrations if the moment might be easier to bear.
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amother
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Mon, Jul 29 2024, 2:18 am
There's a homesteading frum influencer. There's definitely ways to remain frum. Yes I think it would probably be easier in Israel.
She can also find a job with nature and stuff in a regular city. I know frum people who work at a zoo or an aquarium.
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sara1232
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Mon, Jul 29 2024, 2:20 am
| amother OP wrote: | | She cant move forward because she doesnt want to move in the direction of what is “accepted”. She loves the outdoors and animals and nature and hates the city. We already live in the burbs. She is definitely out of the box type. She wants to get married and have kids but I have no idea how she is going to reconcile getting married, having a frum lifestyle with frum husband and her personal desires. I think maybe she doesnt want to be frum and cant admit it either to us or herself. She just seems so unhappy and stuck. If she could be frum in the middle of nowhere in a farm she would be ecstatic. But alas she cant raise a family without a community, schhols, shul. At least I dont think so. I am at a loss on how to advise her. |
You can have a small farm in the suburbs. She could get a 1 acre lot and get some goats and chickens, maybe even miniature cows. She could also have a small garden. Would that be enough?
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amother
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Mon, Jul 29 2024, 2:26 am
She can also work at a national park, nature reserve, or become a horse back riding trainer, therputic horse back riding trainer, etc.
There are options for her, don't try to press her into a box. If she really wants to remain frum she will just find something out of the box.
There's another youtuber Batsheva Dweck I think her name is, she's single and she travels around the world, and makes youtube videos but she's still frum. She's following her dreams but she hasn't sacraficed Hashem to do so.
She is shomer negiah and dresses modestly.
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amother
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Mon, Jul 29 2024, 2:31 am
| amother OP wrote: | | She cant move forward because she doesnt want to move in the direction of what is “accepted”. She loves the outdoors and animals and nature and hates the city. We already live in the burbs. She is definitely out of the box type. She wants to get married and have kids but I have no idea how she is going to reconcile getting married, having a frum lifestyle with frum husband and her personal desires. I think maybe she doesnt want to be frum and cant admit it either to us or herself. She just seems so unhappy and stuck. If she could be frum in the middle of nowhere in a farm she would be ecstatic. But alas she cant raise a family without a community, schhols, shul. At least I dont think so. I am at a loss on how to advise her. |
First of all - there are frum people living the more holistic lifestyle that you are describing. Here in Israel there is a whole community of frum american famalies in Givvat Hamivtar and the are who are starting such a yishuv, and even in the states there are individuals like this.
She would need to look to marry a guy like her, someone probably with breslov vibes. In the chardal community there are even more options - there is even a girls high school that does farming education. There are yeshivos that have the guys doing sheparding, and all sorts of alternative stuff.
It may not be the kind of frum you are used to - but they are careful with halacha and growing and frum. Much better then forcing herself into a lifestyle she doesnt want and hoping that she doesnt crack and drop everything later in life.
Second - she may be romanticizing the life she THINKS she would like, but doesn't know what it is actually like. Taking care of chickens and sheep and goats is much cooler online then IRL ( according to my grandmother who grew up on a chicken farm)
I would see if she could get a job on one of the frum farms around lakewood and monsey and she can see if the lifestyle is one she really wants. Although long term, if she wants to be successful chinuch whise I would not recommend doing this on the outskirts of lakewood or monsey, much better to come to Israel, or to find an OOT accepting community. Although - obviously it is possible.
Third - she may be afraid of moving from what is accepted because she is afraid of disappointing you.
If you help her understand that you fully accept her and show her that you are willing to help her find ways to make her dream a reality, she may be more willing to explore the ways making a frum lifestyle compatible with her dreams.
Professionally - I would recommend pushing her towards a field of interest that makes sense with this lifestyle. Horse therapy or animal therapy can be a good idea, it is becoming super popular for kids with ADHD and ASD or if she is academic and willing to do long term school vets make a TON of money.
If she is more pulled towards living in Israel, possible in a settlement far from big job centers, I would recommend looking at a job that can be done remotely, accounting, web design, video editing, editing are all fields that I see TONS of remote jobs.
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salt
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Mon, Jul 29 2024, 2:33 am
Was going to say the same as everyone is saying here - in Israel there are so many opportunities for her.
Living out in the open. Working with animals or agriculture.
Being frum how you want to be.
And maybe if she's already a little out of the box, something adventurous like making aliya might be just what she needs.
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amother
Rose
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Mon, Jul 29 2024, 2:41 am
I had a point in my teenage years where I felt the same until I started realizing I was being influenced by all the movies I was watching and suddenly really wanted that lifestyle it looked so fun and chilled.
not sure if this is relevant but just saying...
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amother
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Mon, Jul 29 2024, 2:49 am
| amother OP wrote: | | She cant move forward because she doesnt want to move in the direction of what is “accepted”. She loves the outdoors and animals and nature and hates the city. We already live in the burbs. She is definitely out of the box type. She wants to get married and have kids but I have no idea how she is going to reconcile getting married, having a frum lifestyle with frum husband and her personal desires. I think maybe she doesnt want to be frum and cant admit it either to us or herself. She just seems so unhappy and stuck. If she could be frum in the middle of nowhere in a farm she would be ecstatic. But alas she cant raise a family without a community, schhols, shul. At least I dont think so. I am at a loss on how to advise her. |
Frum life and a love of nature are not antithetical. I have a 16 year old daughter, so we're not up to shidduchim yet, who also loves nature. If she's not in the house then I know to look for her in the backyard where she's likely to be either reading up in a tree or gardening. We grow all sorts of fruits and vegetables on our property as well as pretty flowers. She loves hiking on Sundays and vacations and she goes running for exercise after school in a nearby park where she can run around the lake and enjoy the surroundings. We don't have any pets ourselves, but our neighbors have chickens and there are plenty of people with dogs in the neighborhood. Her ideal summer job is to be the nature guide in camp. There are so many ways to incorporate nature into her life without going OTD or moving to a farm. I mean, she can obviously plan to make aliyah if she wants to, but she doesn't have to. We don't even live in a particularly rural area with a lot of land, just a typical Long Island home with a nice backyard.
OP, it sounds like your daughter needs to figure out what's important to her life moving forward and work towards that. Just complaining about how she's not living the life she wants isn't going to get her anywhere. Does she really want to live on a farm or would she be happy marrying an outdoorsy kind of guy she can go hiking and/or camping with and live in a house with a backyard where they can garden? Many Jewish families have pets, so I don't see how that would be an issue as long as her future spouse is amenable.
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amother
DarkRed
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Mon, Jul 29 2024, 4:20 am
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If you’re in New York this summer bring her to goldschein’s homestead in Liberty!
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amother
Tan
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Mon, Jul 29 2024, 4:32 am
| amother Rose wrote: | I had a point in my teenage years where I felt the same until I started realizing I was being influenced by all the movies I was watching and suddenly really wanted that lifestyle it looked so fun and chilled.
not sure if this is relevant but just saying... |
I was going to say this.
How old is she? Is this theoretical or is she an adult and deciding her path now? If she's a teen (or younger) these concepts might be enticing to her but it's likely she'll face reality and realize that in the long run that not really what she wants.
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amother
Wandflower
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Mon, Jul 29 2024, 4:39 am
| amother OP wrote: | | She cant move forward because she doesnt want to move in the direction of what is “accepted”. She loves the outdoors and animals and nature and hates the city. We already live in the burbs. She is definitely out of the box type. She wants to get married and have kids but I have no idea how she is going to reconcile getting married, having a frum lifestyle with frum husband and her personal desires. I think maybe she doesnt want to be frum and cant admit it either to us or herself. She just seems so unhappy and stuck. If she could be frum in the middle of nowhere in a farm she would be ecstatic. But alas she cant raise a family without a community, schhols, shul. At least I dont think so. I am at a loss on how to advise her. |
...I thought these "constraints" she was upset about were going to go in a very different direction. B"H she would be happy to be frum in the middle of nowhere! Typical frum society IS very constraining especially for an out of the box personality.
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amother
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Mon, Jul 29 2024, 4:53 am
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Check out Maui Kosher Farm. If you afford the trip, I heard people love it. It could be a fun time for her and would introduce her to what the life would be like if she actually wanted to do it long term. Plus she’ll meet other kids or adults like her who love the outdoorsy life. Its really not so unusual.
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amother
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Mon, Jul 29 2024, 8:03 am
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She has had a taste of farm life. She does ride horses and loves cows and goats on the farm she goes to. She has said she wants to make aliyah to a yishuv but she is not the type to do this alone. She loves Israel so much. She is in the process of choosing a college program but cant decide or figure out what will be best. Maybe she will be inspired if she visits some frum farms in the states. I am not familiar with them. Where are they and how does she get in touch?
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PinkFridge
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Mon, Jul 29 2024, 8:12 am
| amother Tan wrote: | I was going to say this.
How old is she? Is this theoretical or is she an adult and deciding her path now? If she's a teen (or younger) these concepts might be enticing to her but it's likely she'll face reality and realize that in the long run that not really what she wants. |
Yes, how old is she?
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rikkik
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Mon, Jul 29 2024, 8:28 am
I think I may have a shidduch for her (no joke) but he definitely won't want to make Aliya. He is 24, loves animals, would love to live on a farm. He raises chickens in his families backyard, and is trained in Shechita. He is frum, solid, from a nice frum (baal teshuva) family, and has a great sense of humor.
I would love to hear more about your daughter (PM me)
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PinkFridge
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Mon, Jul 29 2024, 8:28 am
Great! This is much easier.
Who are her friends? Do they have middos? Are they growth-oriented? Is she in school or getting training for anything? What does she do in her free time? Are there meaningful volunteering opportunities she can spend on time on to feel like a valued member of the community she's in right now?
There are frum vets, frum people who are back to nature... there are people out who would be great mentors or help her feel like she's building community.
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amother
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Mon, Jul 29 2024, 8:29 am
| amother Babyblue wrote: | I think I may have a shidduch for her (no joke) but he definitely won't want to make Aliya. He is 24, loves animals, would love to live on a farm. He raises chickens in his families backyard, and is trained in Shechita. He is frum, solid, from a nice frum (baal teshuva) family, and has a great sense of humor.
I would love to hear more about your daughter (PM me) |
She can't PM you since you're posting anonymously.
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