Do you look at your teenagers phone?

amother

↑ Chocolate

Thu, Jul 25 2024, 6:16 pm

amother OP wrote:

Thank you for the validation.
My son is so against it.
Do you question something that is suspicious?
I am afraid that if I ask too much he will buy his own and pay the bill with money he makes working side jobs. Do I still have a right to ask to see it?

This is all super hard. I’m davening that you are successful in reaching him.

When they are little, we physically prevent them from doing stuff. A little older, we might reward them for following rules, punish them for not. This was all training for when they make their own decisions. As teens, they are easing into making their own choices. They still want and need guidance.

Now, we have to talk to them about what kind of people they want to be. What do they value? Who do they respect? What do they consider to be honorable behavior?

The good news (and the bad news) is that they have to make these choices for themselves. (For example: You can’t make them daven with kavana.) But, you can have frequent, positive, conversations about these choices. Keep it short. Discuss a little, then move on. Let them say stuff you don’t like without correcting or judging. The same as you would any other difficult issue.

amother

Mint ↓

Thu, Jul 25 2024, 8:24 pm

There's some good advice about phones here, but I want to address some of the underlying concerns.

Firstly, how's your relationship with him? Your best ammunition is a close relationship with him.

MUST read for you is "Unripe Angels", a jewish book about teens.

You can reach out to Rabbi Shmuel Zimmerman in Lakewood, he can give you some guidance over the phone. 248-662-8255

And lastly, I think it's a TERRIBLE idea to send him away. You will have NO monitoring of what he does and not much opportunity to spend time with him and further build your relationship etc.

amother

↑ Scarlet

Thu, Jul 25 2024, 8:41 pm

I'm not sure how anyone can advise OP to send or not send her son away. I'm sure there are people who know the situation better who can advise her. But sometimes when you can separate a teenager from a bad influence you can save their lives. Speaking from experience.

amother

↑ Mint

Thu, Jul 25 2024, 8:58 pm

amother Scarlet wrote:

That's true, but it doesn't sound like OP has much guidance.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Thu, Jul 25 2024, 9:43 pm

I wasn't sending him away just anywhere. He would be going to a siblings house where he goes often because there are boys his age there he likes to hang out with.
I wouldn't send him to a dorm.
He would like to go also.

Getting back to the phone situation, anywhere in Monsey I could go to get a phone for him that is filtered and all?

amother

Papaya

Thu, Jul 25 2024, 10:09 pm

Idk if this is helpful but a few years back I got my teenager a smartphone-ish phone from DB electronics. It has a touch screen, some basic apps (waze, email, etc) as well as Jewish apps like torahanytime. No whatsapp, text and picture text. No video capacity even for downloaded videos. Idk if they still sell it but might be worth checking out.

amother

Arcticblue

Thu, Jul 25 2024, 10:24 pm

amother OP wrote:

So how do you see the details working out? Are you expecting the sibling to be monitoring him/guiding him/disciplining him? Is that a practical plan?

amother

↑ OP

Fri, Jul 26 2024, 3:08 am

amother Arcticblue wrote:

So how do you see the details working out? Are you expecting the sibling to be monitoring him/guiding him/disciplining him? Is that a practical plan?

My daughter is very strict and doesn't take any nonsense and she would put him in his place.
She was the one who thought of it.
I trust her and my sil 100%

amother

↑ Wheat ↓

Sun, Jul 28 2024, 7:01 am

A word of caution for those relying on Google family link and have blocked their child's browser on their phone: there is a link in a rare corner of the samsung gallery app which can be clicked on and bypasses the filter, a browser opens up.

Another for those with SE or iPhone 11, youtube links can be watched in messaging, even if you've blocked YouTube on the iphone filter.

amother

Buttercup ↓

Sun, Jul 28 2024, 7:44 am

amother OP wrote:

My son is 15 and I am not liking what I am seeing.
He decided not to dress yeshivish anymore although we are. I dont like how he talks uses language that we dont talk in the house.
I pay for his phone bill. He has a flip phone and is begging for a filtered smartphone.
He left his phone home and I looked at his text messages and I was shocked at what I read.
He used the f word several times. He text his friend s@uck and his friend wrote back the name fore a male body part.
There is a contact for a female and I have no clue who that person is.
What do I do? Is it too late to do anything about it?
I dont want him to go in this derech.

It is not your business what language he is using with other people. I really don’t think it’s your place, as long as it’s not in your presence or with your family or smth.

That being said, it is absolutely okay to go through the phone and tell the son that he shouldn’t consider his phone „private“. He is a minor and doesn’t deserve this kind pf freedom yet.
You should watch out for more problematic things like active bullying and hate speech, drug dealing, child p-rn, people taking his money etc
A random F word is not the biggest problem

amother

↑ Buttercup ↓

Sun, Jul 28 2024, 7:46 am

amother OP wrote:

Yes

amother

↑ Buttercup

Sun, Jul 28 2024, 7:48 am

amother Starflower wrote:

I am pretty sure a similar question came up in a halacha column I read some time ago, and the answer was no. Because it's like reading someone else's mail addressed to them. That was a general psak, but you can call and ask your Rav with your specific question.

A dc if mine goes to a public school and they sent a warning that parents absolutely should go through phones and watch out for bullying and inappropriate memes and innuendos and there is no privacy while the child is still being raised.

amother

↑ Midnight

Sun, Jul 28 2024, 10:38 am

amother Wheat wrote:

This is why I highly recommend https://www.pinwheel.com/

amother

Yarrow

Thu, Aug 08 2024, 8:06 am

I feel I have to share , to raise awareness and possibly help imamothers. We bought a restrictive phone for 15 yo DS. He wasn’t happy , but we felt this was the right thing to do. We only realized 2 months after he did it that on his own , with the help of a friends older brother , delivered to the friends house , he bought himself an unfiltered smart phone. So many layers. The phone , the danger , the living a lie, the duplicity to his parents. It was so disheartening . I don’t have advice to give you how to prevent this, I don’t know any of you or your kids , I’m just sharing in the hope of possibly helping fellow imamothers.

amother

↑ Wheat

Thu, Aug 08 2024, 8:19 am

amother Yarrow wrote:

Him and hundreds of other kids.