Do you look at your teenagers phone?

amother

OP ↓

Thu, Jul 25 2024, 1:58 pm

My son is 15 and I am not liking what I am seeing.
He decided not to dress yeshivish anymore although we are. I dont like how he talks uses language that we dont talk in the house.
I pay for his phone bill. He has a flip phone and is begging for a filtered smartphone.
He left his phone home and I looked at his text messages and I was shocked at what I read.
He used the f word several times. He text his friend s@uck and his friend wrote back the name fore a male body part.
There is a contact for a female and I have no clue who that person is.
What do I do? Is it too late to do anything about it?
I dont want him to go in this derech.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Thu, Jul 25 2024, 2:19 pm

Thank you for the validation.
My son is so against it.
Do you question something that is suspicious?
I am afraid that if I ask too much he will buy his own and pay the bill with money he makes working side jobs. Do I still have a right to ask to see it?

amother

Starflower

Thu, Jul 25 2024, 2:32 pm

amother OP wrote:

I am afraid that if I ask too much he will buy his own and pay the bill with money he makes working side jobs. Do I still have a right to ask to see it?

I am pretty sure a similar question came up in a halacha column I read some time ago, and the answer was no. Because it's like reading someone else's mail addressed to them. That was a general psak, but you can call and ask your Rav with your specific question.

amother

Azalea ↓

Thu, Jul 25 2024, 2:35 pm

Yes, part of my rule before they get phones and tablets is that while it is "theirs" it is also to a small degree, ours, and does not give them the same privacy as they would have with their private diaries and other posessions.
They have no "total privacy" with this device.
I happen to prefer filtered smartphones that send the parents a detailed report of all history etc, than the most kosher fliphone that does not have the capability of being monitored closely.
I know of many kids who have gotten into real trouble (talking with opposite gender and more, recieving explicit pictures etc) with only a fliphone.

Bottom line is, for my kids to get a phone or tablet they need to agree that it remains in the kitchen overnight, is filtered and sends us detailed reports of everything, that we reserve the right to lend the phone to another sibling who needs a phone for a day, and that us parents can and will go through it. We try to do it casually and not look like snoops, but we do it, and the kids are on board with it.

amother

Eggplant

Thu, Jul 25 2024, 2:45 pm

For some reason I can't get the quote a post option but I'm responding to amother azalea.
I love what you said, it makes loads of sense and you sound like a ell balanced mom. My question is hat you'll do if any of your kids ever buy themselves their own phones? Ho would you check on them then?

amother

Midnight ↓

Thu, Jul 25 2024, 2:49 pm

I agree with the previous poster, flip phones are a big no for us. We have a ‘smart phone’ with restrictions and parent portal, where we see everything. And have to approve or reject phone numbers for them to call or text. So they can’t just call who ever they want or get incoming calls from random ppl.
Flip phones are overrated

amother

Wheat ↓

Thu, Jul 25 2024, 2:55 pm

It depends on whether or not he'd take it well. Younger teens yes, older teens much less.

I also do filtered smartphones over flip phones. I can check on their call histories, how long they spend on each app, and I deleted their browsers.

amother

Butterscotch

Thu, Jul 25 2024, 3:01 pm

amother Azalea wrote:

This. Be open with the conditions beforehand.

amother

↑ Azalea

Thu, Jul 25 2024, 3:15 pm

amother Eggplant wrote:

There is zero way to check on them if they buy their own phones. Zero. They'll just hide it...
The goal is that they shouldnt feel the need, and as of now BH its working.

amother

Bellflower ↓

Thu, Jul 25 2024, 3:35 pm

Anyone here aware Verizon and other stores are very happycto have,our frum kids,as customers. No ID no cc no questions asked they can buy phones for as little as $25 with special promos for free service and data included for a few months.
It maybe time for lots,of open communication and conversation
Not just rules and,regulation and,sneaking behind kids back.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Thu, Jul 25 2024, 5:00 pm

amother Scarlet wrote:

Can you find a mentor for your son? He needs a positive influence in his life. You need to do whatever you can to help him stay away from these friends.

You are so correct but it's not so easy. I am considering sending away for high school.

amother

↑ Bellflower

Thu, Jul 25 2024, 5:13 pm

amother OP wrote:

You are so correct but it's not so easy. I am considering sending away for high school.

If you are havexso many concerns how will sending him away from high school, away from his loving caring parents and supportive home help him navigate through these Many challenges that you are already seeing? Having teens at home helps keep open communication guidance. They are not in a dorm with full time exposure.

amother

Chocolate ↓

Thu, Jul 25 2024, 5:58 pm

Here’s how we present it: the filters are to remind you of our family device rules. We know they don’t shield you from everything we don’t want you to see. They make it easier.

My teens have filtered smartphones with no browser access. They all have low end iPhones. The newest IPhone SE is $100 with total wireless. It’s $25 per month for service.
Honestly, the apple parent controls are very reliable.

No browser, no Siri, no App Store
We can choose your apps together.
Nothing with search.
No social media
When you get a phone, you agree to share your location at all times.

amother

↑ Chocolate ↓

Thu, Jul 25 2024, 6:00 pm

amother OP wrote:

Could someone tell me what smartphone and plan I should get and how to filter and track?
I'm in the Monsey area if that helps.

Total by Verizon, iPhone SE