Rabbi's shiur & sisterhood event problem.need advice

amother

↑ OP

Wed, Jul 24 2024, 8:46 am

watergirl wrote:

I wanted to point out one last thing here.

A women graciously offers up her home to host a shiur. And her thanks for that is that the women say lashon hara about her? For her great offence of not offering up her pool?

Perhaps the shiur should focus on hilchos LH, especially during the three weeks.

OP, why are they coming to YOU to put down the hostesses? Or is this part of a group LH fest?

Why are you judging me during the 3 weeks? I think there is a nicer way to have expressed your message.

no one is saying lashon harah about these women. People have mentioned it to me because they were upset and hurt. I think it is a big ask to ask that 15-25 women use their pool.it would be nice if they offered , but they don't. so if pool is not being used, why is it at home with pool? it would be nice if regular attendees could host their shiur mates. it is upsetting to those who attend regularly that their home is not good enough. situation is with the rabbi and him not understanding what is going on. I do not know how to handle this. I am anonymously posting and trying to leave out identifying details.

↑ Elfrida

Wed, Jul 24 2024, 8:48 am

amother OP wrote:

Rabbi likes to do something different in the summer and he likes to be outside and hear the pool. I think it is to entice more people to come to the shiur. It is just upsetting that it is held only in homes that have a pool, yet we can't use it. My friends want to host at their homes, but he said no. And if can't use pool, why are the shuirim there? These women attned regularly while the hostess only join shiur when at their homes. It is upsetting that he does not "get" the situation.

You've answered the question as to why he wants the pool - he likes to be outside and hear the pool.

If your friend without a pool wants to host, maybe she should offer during the winter.

If these women only attend when they are hosting, maybe he's doing that on purpose to attract a wider or different crowd. I think you said that in your first post.

ETA I found it.

Quote:

During the summer, our Rabbi gives a woman's shiur in different locations. I think to encourage more people to come.

amother

Impatiens ↓

Wed, Jul 24 2024, 8:51 am

amother OP wrote:

Rabbi likes to do something different in the summer and he likes to be outside and hear the pool. I think it is to entice more people to come to the shiur.

I'm so confused by this. Can you explain?

Does the Rabbi think you're all swimming after the Shiur? What does hearing the pool mean? What's enticing about sitting outside in the heat vs in an air conditioned home?
Why not tell the Rabbi it's hot and the ladies prefer the Shiur indoors this time of year?

amother

Silver

Wed, Jul 24 2024, 9:10 am

I have a beautiful backyard with a pool with a waterfall. I host a lot of things in my backyard. The pool is pretty. It doesn’t mean that everyone should swim in it!!
I have plenty of people come swim there often, but just because you’re in my backyard doesn’t mean it’s mean of me to not host swimming that night!
Also, as a side note, if there would be swimming after the shiur, women would come in bathing suit cover ups probably, and I personally feel like that’s not appropriate clothing to wear to a shiur.

↑ watergirl ↓

Wed, Jul 24 2024, 9:14 am

amother OP wrote:

I'm not judging you.

I'm saying this - the women coming and talking about how they want to swim and the hostess won't let them and it's a tease - this is gossiping and it's LH, like it or not.

Is there a reason they mention it to YOU specifically that is toeles? Are you the organizer of the events?

Because the way you've written your OP, it does sound like they are saying LH about the hostesses who won't let people use their pool, and what a tease it is.

amother

Nasturtium ↓

Wed, Jul 24 2024, 9:33 am

Op, unless you’re the one organizing the shiur there’s no reason for you to get involved. The whole situation is weird. The rabbi who wants to give his shiur poolside either has a reason for this or doesn’t but it comes across as strange. The women wanting to stay afterwards to swim aren’t being reasonable either. Why insert yourself into the middle of something that’s already strange and smells funny? If anyone approaches you about it, you can just brush it off and change the subject. Why are they approaching you? No reason to imagine your involvement is needed. Personally I’d skip the shiur. If I’m listening to a shiur in the summer I’d rather be inside.

amother

↑ Nasturtium

Wed, Jul 24 2024, 9:38 am

amother Pistachio wrote:

The reason it’s done by ppl who have a pool is because these homes also have manicured lawns/gardens. The backyards are estetically pleasing, and thus attract ppl to come.
The same way that chineese auctions, parlor meetings, etc are done in newly renovated beautiful homes. It attracts more ppl than my plain Jane 3 bedroom that’s not open concept and decorated from the 80s.

Fundraisers ask you to open your wallet and part with your money. They need a way to draw you in so they offer prizes and esthetically pleasing surroundings. A shiur itself is meant to be the draw. The lecturer is providing you with something, the chance to hear interesting thoughts and gain knowledge. Even if you feel the need to draw your audience with externals like a well manicured lawn, I don’t get the need for a pool. Like I said in my earlier comment, something here smells funny. Why you’d want to get involved is beyond me.

WhatFor

Wed, Jul 24 2024, 11:20 am

amother Impatiens wrote:

I was wondering this too. Does the rabbi think the women are coming to go swimming afterward? Any of these bothered women can just request that the shiur be held in an air conditioned place. If enough people request, maybe he'll take them up on it.

But I agree that this whole thing is bizarre from the pool request to the idea that it's a "tease". Forget that part and focus on the heat factor and how people want indoor air conditioning.

↑ dena613 ↓

Wed, Jul 24 2024, 11:38 am

watergirl wrote:

Why is the shiur even outside, given that it's hot? That alone would be a no for me. I don't go outside in the summer, it's way too hot. So weird to me. The pool thing is socially off also.

OP this post reminds of the story where there is a shul with an age gap between members, and the older crowd was insulted that they were not invited to events for the younger crowd. I don't know why, but it sounds like a similar group of women who have expectations and hopes that are unreasonable.

Or the shul where ladies who never go to shul own more special seats and come before Purim begins, on shabbos, to claim their seats.

↑ dena613

Wed, Jul 24 2024, 12:05 pm

Sometimes the stories on imamother are so utterly bizarre, that I'm assuming that OP has changed so many details that it makes no sense.

Like imagine if the real story was that the rabbi gives his shiur in the summer at homes with central AC because it's more comfortable for him and for the shiur goers. The ladies without central AC feel bad they can't host. So far that would make sense.
And other ladies want to stay to enjoy the AC...? Bizarre.

B'Syata D'Shmya ↓

Wed, Jul 24 2024, 12:23 pm

amother OP wrote:

During the summer, our Rabbi gives a woman's shiur in different locations. I think to encourage more people to come. The shiurim are currently outside at a table by a pool at different member's homes. These homes have beautiful pools and backyards. It is very generous to allow the use of their backyard especially when these women don't attend the shiurim regularly, just when they host the event. But, the attendees are not offered to swim after the rabbi leaves. This upsets some (many?) attendees as what is the point of us sitting in the heat and seeing the pool if we can't swim (and have women only swim time)after the shiur? It is uncomfortable for some (has been mentioned to me) to attend because it's a tease- here is a pool and you can look at it in the heat, but you can't use it. Also, at least one member offered her outdoor area for the shiur, but rabbi did not want it because it did not have pool. We tried to convince him but to no avail. This woman was very upset. At least one regular attendee won't attend when the shuirim are held at these locations. I know at least 2 women who attend the shiurim on a regular basis throughout the year who would like to host the summer shiurim but do not have pools. It upsets me that the rabbi is not aware of what is going on with this situation and does not realize how upset the woman was when he declined her offer to host at her backyard without a pool. I do not know how to approach this with the rabbi. or should I approach sisterhood? should I stay quiet? Any suggestions?

Anonymous letter to the Rav explaining that he has hurt those women who would like to also host his shiur but were declined because they dont have a pool. Since the pool is not a part of the shiur, there is no reason to turn them down, and they too are valuable members of the community, and certainly respected Jews.
Could he please consider allowing shiurim in homes that do not have pools.

However since you say that those pool owners only attend when they host, its possible the Rav is trying to broaden his audience and so he encourages them to host.

The fact that you arent invited to swim is not on the Rav and honestly all you can do (and should do) is ask. No is no.

Out of curiosity, how big is the group? If its a large group of women, then maybe that is why the hostessees dont want to open the option of swimming...

essie14

Wed, Jul 24 2024, 12:31 pm

I am chalking this up to imamother bizarro world because who in their right mind would go to an outdoor shiur in the middle of the summer in a climate that warrants most of its residents to have a pool.
Unless we were actually swimming in the pool during the shiur, please let me attend a shiur in air conditioned indoors. Thank you very much.
Who do grown adult women need a pool to entice them to come to a shiur?
No one comes in the winter?
I've never heard of such a thing. Who wants to be outside next to a pool as a tease?
The shiur should be the main event.
Not the poolside water you're drinking to
avoid sunstroke.

amother

Chicory ↓

Wed, Jul 24 2024, 12:44 pm

Just adding to everyone else. This is bizarre in so many ways and so many levels.

1. Why do women think this shuir should have any connection to swimming just because they see a pool?
Shuir and swim?
Even if host would allow it is very inappropriate to combine the two.

I do not think you should ask hostess to swim.

If there is such a demand maybe nshei should host seperate "pool parties "? But remember a pool party is a much bigger ask then a shuir because of mess involved. Like for sure ladies will be dropping in host house.

2. Why do women want and does rabbi think women want to sit outside listening to a shuir in weather hot enough to swim in? I can't believe you get a crowd

.......unless this is a cooler time of day......but then why do ladies want to swim.

3. This insistance on a pool is also bizarre and those that are turned down from hosting are understandably insulted.

Whoever is the one organizing this program should politely let the rabbi know that hes alienating members snd hurting their feelings with this rule.

Also mention lack of ac causes discomfort if applicable.