S/O where did I go wrong?

amother

Orchid ↓

Tue, Jul 23 2024, 6:51 pm

amother OP wrote:

Clearly, it was a stalling tactic.

And?
So what?
If a ten year old stalls bedtime for ten minutes nothing will happen. Literally nothing. Even if it becomes a pattern. But what if the kid really is hungry? If a mom sends her kid to bed really hungry...thats bad. I hope to always be a mother who takes the chance and believes my kids. Trust generally flows both ways.

amother

Gold ↓

Tue, Jul 23 2024, 6:51 pm

I'm 40+ and my daughter this age uses tea as a stalling tactic. Guess what happens when I've said yes to tea? Out come the tea biscuits to dip in her tea. Or suddenly tea is hot cocoa.
Bedtime is 8:45, shower is 8:15. She can have a snack until her shower time. She can read in bed till she falls asleep (usually 9:30). It doesn't matter what time she needs to wake up in the morning, it stays the same. Kids need their sleep on a good schedule.
She gets flexibility Fri night, motzai shabbos, yomtov and simchas.

amother

↑ Crimson ↓

Tue, Jul 23 2024, 6:52 pm

amother DarkGreen wrote:

I work until 4 and don't have dinner ready to hand them when they walk in.
Fruit and cheese gives me enough time to get it ready.

I hear that. I either make dinners that cook really fast (burgers in the broiler, baked chicken nuggets) or prepare ahead (crockpot or cook night before).

amother

↑ Cobalt ↓

Tue, Jul 23 2024, 6:54 pm

amother Hibiscus wrote:

And I do the opposite, feed them supper earlier and fruits (they usually don’t like vegetables) later on.
Why’s it a free for all to let a kid eat before they go to bed?
Do you consider yourself a flexible mom ?
If it happens very often a mom can make a snack part of the routine.

I'm addressing two things, bad eating patterns and not having any rules or routine. I'm very chill about many things. But we have a routine. If there are valid reasons we easily break the routine, but my kids don't say they are hungry ever, because I feed them at appropriate times. I do find fruits and vegetables first and supper later works best. I have one kid that says she's hungry whenever she's bored, I know she's not hungry because when I did give her food at those times she asked she didn't eat it. So yes hunger can be used as a kvetch about any general thing. I look at my friend's houses who have no rules or routine, their kids have anxiety and they don't do well in social settings or school. My kids thrive on routines and they do very well socially and academically. So yes I think I am flexible because the rules are broken when necessary and I'm super flexible about almost anything, but we still have routines that we all thrive on.

amother

Whitewash ↓

Tue, Jul 23 2024, 6:56 pm

I'm having trouble with this whole concept of stalling tactic. Would you like someone to force you to go to bed long before you're actually able to fall asleep? I did that with my oldest and I regret it. It was pointless. Here I'm referring specifically to ten year olds, I agree that 2 year olds do try to stall bedtime.

But the term itself strikes me as, idk, inappropriate? for an older child.

I'm 45 and I've mellowed. I agree with the poster who said we want to train our children to trust their bodies. That's not only for food. If they're not ready to fall asleep, then it's too early to force them into bed. If they are "stalling" then maybe their bedtime is too early.

With that said, also guide them into winding down activities before bedtime. An hour or so before bedtime is too late for strenuous activities, bright lights, exciting games or eating sugar.

amother

Ecru

Tue, Jul 23 2024, 6:56 pm

amother Midnight wrote:

My oldest is a toddler and as soon as I say "2 more minutes till bedtime" she is suddenly starving
It's a stalling tactic for sure
I don't allow food at that point unless I feel she didn't eat enough during the day. But that'd be my fault, as she is a toddler and not 10 years old

My oldest is 5. She eats very little during the day - picky/sensory. When my husband stands on ceremony she can cry for 2 hours at night that she’s hungry. Instead I switched up the routine and offer her healthy food after her bath then teeth and bed.

That mom wasn’t letting the kid have tea and had bedtime and life structured in 10 min increments.

amother

↑ Aconite

Tue, Jul 23 2024, 6:59 pm

amother Gold wrote:

This exactly.
I can't understand all the posters saying a 10 year old isn't stalling. At that age they definitely are

amother

↑ Gold ↓

Tue, Jul 23 2024, 7:01 pm

amother Cobalt wrote:

Exactly

amother

↑ Cobalt ↓

Tue, Jul 23 2024, 7:01 pm

amother Whitewash wrote:

Kids this age are mostly not responsible about sleep or food. They will eat for the sake of eating and stalling and they will stay up even while tired. It is super common to stall even when they need the sleep and are tired and can't function without it. Don't know why it's troubling you.

amother

↑ Whitewash ↓

Tue, Jul 23 2024, 7:02 pm

amother Gold wrote:

I would say no to the biscuits and hot cocoa because sugar before bed is not conducive to falling asleep. But if you're ok with her reading in bed until 9:30, then does it really matter if she snacks and hangs out in the kitchen until 9 instead of 8:45?

amother

Cyan

Tue, Jul 23 2024, 7:02 pm

My oldest is 11. My rule is if they want to eat when it's bedtime it has to be something healthy (that already makes it less exciting) and something that will take 5 minutes or less to eat (so something like string cheese, yogurt, or a fruit...)
That works for us. On my end I know they aren't going to bed hungry, but it also doesn't delay bedtime so much (so if the kid wants to stall, it doesn't give them much time) . My kids don't even end up doing that much maybe 1-2 times a week.

amother

↑ Whitewash ↓

Tue, Jul 23 2024, 7:08 pm

amother Aconite wrote:

This exactly.
I can't understand all the posters saying a 10 year old isn't stalling. At that age they definitely are

The word stalling implies a rule that they're trying to get around. Maybe they just aren't ready to go to sleep yet.

amother

↑ Gold ↓

Tue, Jul 23 2024, 7:09 pm

amother Whitewash wrote:

No kids want to go to sleep. Kids of all ages stall. At around ten they start figuring out how to manipulate situations to suit their wants. Some kids don't fall asleep for hours but most kids will be a wreck if we allow them to stay up as long as they want.

amother

↑ Cobalt ↓

Tue, Jul 23 2024, 7:11 pm

amother Whitewash wrote:

The word stalling implies a rule that they're trying to get around. Maybe they just aren't ready to go to sleep yet.

It's a normal benign word being used correctly in this context. I wonder why you find it so triggering.

amother

↑ Gold ↓

Tue, Jul 23 2024, 7:12 pm

amother Whitewash wrote:

For my daughter, saying yes to tea means yes for biscuits and hot cocoa or orange juice or anything else that suits her fancy at the time. She doesn't ask, she figures she might as well take something else once she's at it.

Reading in bed is resting and falling asleep. Yes it makes a difference. In the kitchen or even on the couch, it will keep her up longer.

Routine and structure keeps everyone happy and healthy.

amother

Chambray

Tue, Jul 23 2024, 7:13 pm

amother OP wrote:

I can't believe how many parents are ok with giving a kid something to eat before bed. Clearly, it was a stalling tactic. Every single kid in the world says they are hungry or thirsty the minute you tell them it's bedtime. I don't understand why so many responses were saying the mother should have let her have food ( she did, just not he food the child requested) do we all fall for the same trick? I believe it's possible the child is hungry but if the rule is eat before mom calls bedtime, they will quickly become responsible about taking care of it before hand.

Chill. Bedtime is not life and death. Take a deep breath. A pre-teen can grab a quick snack, go to sleep 10 min late and likely will live a very long, happy and healthy life with no scars whatsoever!

kenz

Tue, Jul 23 2024, 7:18 pm

My 6 year old only says he’s hungry when he’s hungry. If that happens to be right before bed, I find something reasonable that will satisfy him so he can fall asleep. I don’t think I have ever told a child they have to stay hungry, unless they’re only hungry for nosh. Then I’ll say no.

amother

↑ Orchid ↓

Tue, Jul 23 2024, 7:20 pm

amother Gold wrote:

As long as they want? How do we get from no get straight into bed to as long as they want. Like I said on the other thread, to a ten year old I'd say- go eat something quick ,teeth and bed. Not "ok sweetie, lock the door before you come up for the night at 12 am".

amother

↑ OP

Tue, Jul 23 2024, 7:23 pm

amother Chambray wrote:

Chill. Bedtime is not life and death. Take a deep breath. A pre-teen can grab a quick snack, go to sleep 10 min late and likely will live a very long, happy and healthy life with no scars whatsoever!

A preteen will not grab a quick snack and go to bed 10 minutes later. She will ask her mother what's available, kvetch about the options, ask for something else in addition, make something that takes more than 10 minutes to prepare and eat, have a tantrum about something else etc etc etc.
I'm not so rigid in my house about snacks after supper. I say " the kitchen is closed" meaning I'm not preparing any food but I let them know they can take a fruit or something quick they can get themselves. Teens take second supper they prepare themselves without askin? I'm not being busy with food prep and serving after supper. It's only if I say bedtime and the response to that is "I'm hungry", that's a problem. If my kids are hungry, they help themselves no need to ask permission. Why didn't the 10 yr old take food the entire evening, Especially if she knows her mother sticks to the rules?

amother

↑ Orchid

Tue, Jul 23 2024, 7:30 pm

amother OP wrote:

Thats not my experience with my ten year old. At all. She's actually hungry and actually tired at bedtime. So she'll ACTUALLY take a quick snack and go to sleep right after. No whining, no kvetching. Not all kids are like yours I guess? Her bedtime is in the 9's not the 8's- because thats much more age appropriate. And she's up at 7 am rain or shine.