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-> Chinuch, Education & Schooling
amother
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 Tue, Jul 23 2024, 10:21 am
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Is there a Rav he respects that can sit him down and explain that he needs to be more flexible? A therapist? A mentor? His rigidity is leading him to miss out on something that could be wonderful and that's chaval!
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amother
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Tue, Jul 23 2024, 10:30 am
| amother Denim wrote: | | Is there a Rav he respects that can sit him down and explain that he needs to be more flexible? A therapist? A mentor? His rigidity is leading him to miss out on something that could be wonderful and that's chaval! |
He won't speak to a therapist. There was a time period where he was open to it, but we couldn't find the right person and now he won't.
The mashpia of his last yeshiva (he doesn't have his own mashpia at this point) is nuts and my son has admitted that too. I wouldn't ask him his opinion.
If a Rav told my son to go to a yeshiva with Limudei Chol he would lose all respect for that Rav.
In my son's mind, he is being flexible. He agreed to go to any one of 10 respected mesivtas. He didn't get accepted only because his mother didn't apply on time.
I MIGHT be able to fight him on the Eretz Yisroel thing, MAYBE convince him to go to a smaller school. But he will absolutely not agree to go to an alternative yeshiva or one with Limudei Chol.
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amother
Jean
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Tue, Jul 23 2024, 10:32 am
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There's a Chabad Mesivta in Johannesburg, it has a good reputation maybe you can look into it.
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amother
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Tue, Jul 23 2024, 10:32 am
| amother OP wrote: | He won't speak to a therapist. There was a time period where he was open to it, but we couldn't find the right person and now he won't.
The mashpia of his last yeshiva (he doesn't have his own mashpia at this point) is nuts and my son has admitted that too. I wouldn't ask him his opinion.
If a Rav told my son to go to a yeshiva with Limudei Chol he would lose all respect for that Rav.
In my son's mind, he is being flexible. He agreed to go to any one of 10 respected mesivtas. He didn't get accepted only because his mother didn't apply on time.
I MIGHT be able to fight him on the Eretz Yisroel thing, MAYBE convince him to go to a smaller school. But he will absolutely not agree to go to an alternative yeshiva or one with Limudei Chol. |
Is there someone you can work with? I remember someone who was on headlines and this is literally his job. I forget his name....
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amother
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Tue, Jul 23 2024, 10:54 am
| amother OP wrote: | He won't speak to a therapist. There was a time period where he was open to it, but we couldn't find the right person and now he won't.
The mashpia of his last yeshiva (he doesn't have his own mashpia at this point) is nuts and my son has admitted that too. I wouldn't ask him his opinion.
If a Rav told my son to go to a yeshiva with Limudei Chol he would lose all respect for that Rav.
In my son's mind, he is being flexible. He agreed to go to any one of 10 respected mesivtas. He didn't get accepted only because his mother didn't apply on time.
I MIGHT be able to fight him on the Eretz Yisroel thing, MAYBE convince him to go to a smaller school. But he will absolutely not agree to go to an alternative yeshiva or one with Limudei Chol. |
A Rav can convince him to go to EY for a year
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amother
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Tue, Jul 23 2024, 10:54 am
| amother Denim wrote: | | Is there someone you can work with? I remember someone who was on headlines and this is literally his job. I forget his name.... |
Rabbi Barber in the Chinuch office does this but I don't think he was on headlines
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amother
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Tue, Jul 23 2024, 11:00 am
| amother OP wrote: | Apparently they have Limudei Chol.
If I had a specific yeshiva in Israel that was promising I could push him to speak to a Rav and maybe go to Eilat for Shabbos once a month or something. I doubt I'd be successful but I could try. Same with a non-preferred yeshiva on this continent (that's why I applied to Napierville even though I'm not sure he'll agree to go even if he does get accepted).
But trying to get him to go to a Yeshiva with Limudei Chol is a nonstarter. He'll just default to "forget it, I'm going to learn in 770." |
Is there a way they'd be flexible with him and he won't need to do that part of the day? Maybe he can have some Chavrusas? Mivtzoim? Or similar
Any strong points he has that can be strengthened during this time? Like connecting him with a Shaliach and he can help with certain programs etc if this is necessary for him
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amother
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Tue, Jul 23 2024, 11:02 am
| amother Denim wrote: | | Is there someone you can work with? I remember someone who was on headlines and this is literally his job. I forget his name.... |
There's someone Israeli who does this, Brod I think
I wonder if he knows Yeshivos out of EY
ETA it's called ישיבה בוחר
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amother
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Tue, Jul 23 2024, 11:11 am
| amother OP wrote: | He won't speak to a therapist. There was a time period where he was open to it, but we couldn't find the right person and now he won't.
The mashpia of his last yeshiva (he doesn't have his own mashpia at this point) is nuts and my son has admitted that too. I wouldn't ask him his opinion.
If a Rav told my son to go to a yeshiva with Limudei Chol he would lose all respect for that Rav.
In my son's mind, he is being flexible. He agreed to go to any one of 10 respected mesivtas. He didn't get accepted only because his mother didn't apply on time.
I MIGHT be able to fight him on the Eretz Yisroel thing, MAYBE convince him to go to a smaller school. But he will absolutely not agree to go to an alternative yeshiva or one with Limudei Chol. |
Nevertheless he needs to discuss with a Rav. This is good practice for knowing how to handle sticky situations. To become even more flexible.
What I tell my teens when there is something more complicated is to discuss the situation with 2 or 3 rabbanim/mashpiim, not just one.
It needs to be not you against him chv or Jim deciding all on his own.
Is his bday perhaps early in the year? Sometimes a boy can skip to zal if so, in special situations.
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Tue, Jul 23 2024, 11:21 am
| amother OP wrote: | Apparently they have Limudei Chol.
If I had a specific yeshiva in Israel that was promising I could push him to speak to a Rav and maybe go to Eilat for Shabbos once a month or something. I doubt I'd be successful but I could try. Same with a non-preferred yeshiva on this continent (that's why I applied to Napierville even though I'm not sure he'll agree to go even if he does get accepted).
But trying to get him to go to a Yeshiva with Limudei Chol is a nonstarter. He'll just default to "forget it, I'm going to learn in 770." |
Please message me I'm happy to help you
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amother
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Tue, Jul 23 2024, 11:30 am
You offered this earlier and apparently she doesn't want to pm.
Why don't you just post here any leads to Yeshivos/people that can help?
Nothing you'll say is personal so you can help her by posting here
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amother
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Tue, Jul 23 2024, 11:48 am
| amother OP wrote: | He won't speak to a therapist. There was a time period where he was open to it, but we couldn't find the right person and now he won't.
The mashpia of his last yeshiva (he doesn't have his own mashpia at this point) is nuts and my son has admitted that too. I wouldn't ask him his opinion.
If a Rav told my son to go to a yeshiva with Limudei Chol he would lose all respect for that Rav.
In my son's mind, he is being flexible. He agreed to go to any one of 10 respected mesivtas. He didn't get accepted only because his mother didn't apply on time.
I MIGHT be able to fight him on the Eretz Yisroel thing, MAYBE convince him to go to a smaller school. But he will absolutely not agree to go to an alternative yeshiva or one with Limudei Chol. | How is lying to him helpful? He only agreed to apply to places that are not equipped to handle his needs. He is being rigid and refusing to consider places that will accommodate. You’re leading him on to believe that he had a chance at those places when he never did.
I don’t get it.
And yes, I have an HFA child in a less than ideal situation. You pick the best of the choices that are actually there.
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amother
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Tue, Jul 23 2024, 11:54 am
| amother Dandelion wrote: | | Rabbi Barber in the Chinuch office does this but I don't think he was on headlines |
He wasn't helpful for us last year. I guess we could try again.
But we have a conundrum. The yeshivas that would be good for his social/emotional development are the yeshivas that would be a poor fit for his academic/spiritual level. (My son only cares about the latter, of course.) And no yeshivas want to take him at all, unsurprisingly.
I had hopes for Antwerp and Suffield, but got a clear no from both.
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amother
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Tue, Jul 23 2024, 11:57 am
| amother Electricblue wrote: | How is lying to him helpful? He only agreed to apply to places that are not equipped to handle his needs. He is being rigid and refusing to consider places that will accommodate. You’re leading him on to believe that he had a chance at those places when he never did.
I don’t get it.
And yes, I have an HFA child in a less than ideal situation. You pick the best of the choices that are actually there. |
I could stop trying to shield him.
I could tell him straight out, "Kid, you are not neurotypical, you come across as awkward to adults and weird to kids, you have social issues and executive function issues and communication issues and yeshivas don't want to deal with you. It's not that I applied late. I said they are full not to hurt your feelings but really they would have taken you if you were normal. They don't want you and wouldn't want you no matter when you applied. Your brains and Chassidishkeit won't overcome that. We are up to past our ears in debt and can't bribe them to take you. Your past Roshei Yeshiva are obviously not giving great reports about you, so you messed yourself up and now you're out of luck. There aren't any choices. You need to go to whatever school is willing to take you. Wherever it is, whatever size it is, and whatever they teach."
And then, in addition to having his self esteem trashed, he will probably decide to hitchhike to 770 and refuse to communicate with us.
Bottom line, he doesn't see why he should compromise. He is a good bochur, he learns, he davens, he does Chitas, learned a difficult mesechta on his own for Chalukas Hashas, knows tons of sichos and maamarim, he has a dumbphone, he doesn't talk to girls or look at inappropriate things or smoke or vape or drink, he wears only white shirts and a black hat and jacket. Why should he be going to a school that doesn't follow the standard Chabad yeshiva schedule or teaches secular studies?
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Tue, Jul 23 2024, 12:07 pm
Does your son speak Hebrew
If yes there's
Kiryat gat
Migdal emek
Lod
Kfar chabad
Two in beit shemesh
Ohr Yehuda my son who is similar to your son went there had a great time
If you need telephone number I give you them
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amother
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Tue, Jul 23 2024, 12:10 pm
| tree of life wrote: | Does your son speak Hebrew
If yes there's
Kiryat gat
Migdal emek
Lod
Kfar chabad
Two in beit shemesh
Ohr Yehuda my son who is similar to your son went there had a great time
If you need telephone number I give you them |
He definitely understands Hebrew, I don't know how well he speaks it. He was in a Hebrew-speaking yeshiva at one point.
Which of these, if any, are geared to out-of-towners?
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safetynet1
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Tue, Jul 23 2024, 12:18 pm
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I think there is a newish Chabad yeshiva in Nyack that seems very good. I'm not Chabad but a relative of mine mentored boys there and was impressed with them
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amother
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Tue, Jul 23 2024, 12:19 pm
| amother Magenta wrote: | Nevertheless he needs to discuss with a Rav. This is good practice for knowing how to handle sticky situations. To become even more flexible.
What I tell my teens when there is something more complicated is to discuss the situation with 2 or 3 rabbanim/mashpiim, not just one.
It needs to be not you against him chv or Jim deciding all on his own.
Is his bday perhaps early in the year? Sometimes a boy can skip to zal if so, in special situations. |
I haven't made any progress in getting him to speak to anyone, not a Rav or mashpia or therapist. Maybe one day. I don't think I can wait for that though.
He is actually young for his grade. One Rosh Yeshiva I spoke to was surprised he wasn't in the grade under.
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amother
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Tue, Jul 23 2024, 12:23 pm
I hadn't heard great things about Postville, but can try. I can also try Monsey and Joburg. Although I feel like at this point I'm just hoping they won't look into him that closely, because based on the responses I've gotten till now, if they knew his challenges they would not be interested. Why would they take him when the other yeshivos refuse?
Nyack is a Yeshiva Gedolah I believe. It does have a very good reputation and my son might consider it when he's old enough.
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