Am I being mean? | Imamother

amother

Burntblack

Mon, Jul 22 2024, 3:35 pm

How new to driving is she and how much driving does she do in an average week? I think that is the equation. Also if she is the more responsible conscientious type vs not that.

Its an equation that is flexible by individual basis.

I have a hard & fast rule that no new drivers drive any friends before x amount of experience/ time, both matter and get taken into account. Then only 1 friend. When they are confident for 2 friends I let them have input. Like mine didn't take certain friends at all in the beginning of friends allowed because they themselves felt it would be too distracting (boys).

I also have rules for bad weather and new drivers. Its a process, not an on and off switch.

When lessons finish & license is in hand, there is still a lot of learning by doing for mastery. And its best to be incremental.

Her time picking them up is completely her decision. That is where you step back. Let her decide.

And are you being mean? No, you are putting the needs of your child first for safety reasons. She iyh should have many years to do chesseds.

amother

Vermilion

Tue, Jul 23 2024, 5:05 am

amother OP wrote:

My daughter is a fairly new driver. I am nervous when she drives so I've limited her to driving with only two friends in the car. I feel like car full of friends is a huge distraction, hence this compromise.

The problem now is that her classmates are starting to get married and her friends call her for rides. Many have just come home from seminary and havent gotten their license yet and some are chassidish who arent allowed to drive. She wants me to change my rule because she feels mean saying no when she has space in the car.

I am really not comfortable with her driving a car full of friends and there is also the consideration that if she is the chauffeur it takes up a nice chunk of her time picking everyone up and dropping them off.

Curious about others thoughts and if I am being mean here.

OP I am just wondering. Is this your car or hers? Is she paying the gas and insurance, or are you paying it?

As a mom you have to allow your daughter to drive herself places, for herself, her friends. But unless these friends who are calling her to be their chauffeur are offering to pay gas and chip in for insurance, they really shouldn't be pressuring her, or you, into giving them free rides. It's just not nice.

Your daughter also needs to learn how to set boundaries and say no. Especially if saying yes comes at someone else's expense, on someone else's bill.

On the "mean mom" point, as the mom of a young teen (no license for another few years, at least) I think you are right. It is safer with just 1-2 friends in the car. Teens are notorious for careless driving and accidents. And it's not just about your car or your child, it's about the pedestrian hit or the passengers in the other cars.

amother

Electricblue

Tue, Jul 23 2024, 8:01 am

I don’t see it as a question of being mean but of a missed opportunity to have collaborative conversation. What seems to be ‘driving’ (sorry for the pun) your rules is fear and by making these rules it’s helping you have false security as a driver new or old always needs siyata dshmaya each moment. A new driver is as dangerous as their feelings of insecurity and recklessness. Provided your daughter is in general a safe and not reckless person in general she will benefit much more by asking her does she feel safe driving with more people ect. giving her insight into what makes and will make her a safe driver I have adult and teenage children who drive and each one of them has different things that distract them and calm them during driving. One of them needed to have another person in the car to make them calmer as a new driver and one needed a quiet car and one needs blasting music. Nuance and flexibility helps us see what makes us tick in most situations. What a great opportunity to help your daughter tap into what makes her feel safe so that she can start listening to her own gut rather than follow your rules. If it’s about being home a certain time so you can go to sleep tell her the time and allow her to navigate if it means asking everyone to meet at one place and have one drop off or having to leave the simcha earlier or her choosing not to be the chauffeur. That is what it looks like helping adult children learn boundary skills that will ultimately help them for life. Hard and fast rules especially ones set out of fear at this age are really missed opportunities to educate our adult children in a safe environments.

amother

Mimosa

Tue, Jul 23 2024, 8:11 am

I don’t think there should be any significant rules for a mature 18 year old (except if you need the car and she is borrowing yours in which case it’s normal to ask her to be home when you need it). An 18 year old is an adult, at that age I drove from Chicago to Atlanta myself , flew to E”Y with 2 stopovers, went touring around the country, had a job, finished my BA, 18 is not a baby.

ora_43 ↓

Tue, Jul 23 2024, 9:58 am

I don't think "mean" is the right word. Your intentions are good.

But the reasons you're sharing here are more about your own anxiety than her ability. You don't say how old she is, or how long she's been driving, or how often she's been driving, or how well she drives. Only that you're anxious and uncomfortable.

If she's 18 and just got her license 2 months ago, it's very reasonable to put temporary limits on things like passengers, hours of day she can drive, etc.

OTOH if she's 21, she's been driving for a year, and your reasoning is pretty much just "I'm anxious," that's not great. We all get anxious about older kids, but only sometimes is it justified to put restrictions on them. Sometimes we just have to live with the anxiety.

Last edited by ora_43 on Tue, Jul 23 2024, 10:07 am; edited 1 time in total

↑ ora_43

Tue, Jul 23 2024, 10:03 am

Quote:

there is also the consideration that if she is the chauffeur it takes up a nice chunk of her time picking everyone up and dropping them off.

This is something I think you should let her deal with herself. Mention it once, non-judgmentally, but then let her decide. It shouldn't be part of the consideration re: the 3-friend rule.

OTOH if it's your car, she or her friends should be paying for the extra gas money.

amother

↑ Fuchsia

Tue, Jul 23 2024, 11:06 am

amother Khaki wrote:

Curious is your daughter dating. I think it’s very different to have rules for a 16/17 than someone who is dating to get married

I don’t see the connection between dating and driving. Maybe a person who is dating should buy their own car and live in their own home. I bought my own car when I was under 20. Sometimes I lent my car to my sister who was close to my age. You bet I gave her rules about where to drive it and who to bring along. If it’s mom’s car, you follow mom’s rules. It doesn’t matter how old you are, if you are dating, or if you are married.

ETA: I know of so many young people who got into accidents. It’s not only a danger to the driver, but to the group of people who are passengers. The car owner is responsible for all that. If the mother doesn’t feel the daughter is ready to drive with distractions and take responsibility for a group of young women, she definitely should not have the driver providing rides for others. She doesn’t need to offer her car as the class Taxi.