Am I being mean? | Imamother

amother

Iris

Mon, Jul 22 2024, 10:51 am

This driver is post seminary? Are her friends wild? My mother was super careful. She didn't let me sit in the front seat with a young driver. It was overly cautious. In a year or 2 this girl will have a crying baby in the back seat. Way more distracting then friends having fun. I didn't drive until later but she either can focus or she cant.

↑ shachachti

Mon, Jul 22 2024, 10:56 am

amother Iris wrote:

When you drive with a baby especially your own baby that you were pregnant with for 9 months and then had a hard labor and delivery you have way more responsibility.

It's just not comparable.

amother

Hawthorn

Mon, Jul 22 2024, 10:57 am

In my state, by law you are not allowed to drive anyone outside of family for the first 5 months. .

We are very strict with the rule. We want to avoid distractions.

Once the 5 months were up, when my son asked to borrow a car to drive to a simcha, etc and I knew there would be others in the car, I clearly said I didn't want people who would be too much of a distraction. I didn't want any drinking, smoking, etc in my car. So my son had to "pick and choose" who could come in the car and who couldn't.

amother

Lemonlime

Mon, Jul 22 2024, 11:22 am

I think it sounds reasonable to say as a very new driver to be more cautious. You could maybe have a discussion about how you will ease off and possibly talk about a time limit, like evaluating in x months time.

amother

↑ Lightyellow

Mon, Jul 22 2024, 11:47 am

amother OP wrote:

So can I ask you to reconsider based on your children instead of yourself. Picture your child all grown up in his/her teens, and is now a new driver. Would you not be concerned with that child driving around town with a car full of friends (in the dark, no less).?

I did think about it a little more and realized why I may also have a totally different perspective.
I don't think I would feel the same way as you but I'm very chilled in general. Either way, I don't think I would be in your scenario though for the following reason -

In our state, in order to get your license at 16 you need 50 hours. By the time my friends and I got our licenses we had been driving for many months (with a parent in the car). At 16 I wouldn't expect parents to allow their kids to be out till who knows when anyways. So if our parents were more strict at 16, as new drivers, it wouldn't have felt off. Something about being so strict at the age of 18/19 is jarring to me. I was answering you from my perspective that 18 year olds have been driving for years. I hear your concern more now but I do wonder if there is a way you can come to some sort of compromise. It's not exactly her fault that you can't sleep...

↑ tichellady

Mon, Jul 22 2024, 12:01 pm

mushkamothers wrote:

This is totally not the same thing. Running a house takes executive functioning and domestic skills. Nobody will die if the chicken burns or she blows money on an expensive cut of meat for weekday supper. Driving has way higher stakes and also has a lot of invisible pitfalls like our own brains working against us and causing accidents when we're distracted or trying to multitask.

I think the point is that a young married 19 year old is not going to ask her mom permission to drive friends

amother

Molasses

Mon, Jul 22 2024, 12:06 pm

In general, I believe that parents for the most part should not have too many rules when it comes to adult children. But anything that directly affects them is fair game. So anyone using my car, especially if I'm paying their insurance, needs to follow whatever my safety rules are. Similarly, anyone living in my household has to respect household rules like quiet after a certain time, cleaning up after themselves, and a general curfew time. I definitely understand why you have this rule, and I think it's fair and just.

amother

↑ NeonGreen

Mon, Jul 22 2024, 1:09 pm

amother Red wrote:

Mrs. Smiles has 2 daughters BH. I met them both as she was my seminary teacher

So nice! Happy to hear!

I'm pretty sure that way back then she was an only, and very davened for, child... I'm talking years ago in Los Angeles.

ETA
https://jewishjournal.com/community/6244/ I see here that she moved away from LA after being an educator there for eleven years, with a 4 yo and a baby.

amother

Lightgreen

Mon, Jul 22 2024, 1:29 pm

My rule was no friends, no chauffeuring whatsoever. The girls tend to run around together and party away. We gave her a car with the understanding that it’s for functional use only, not social, work, dr appts, shopping, errands, to help drive siblings.

With simchas I told her to avoid giving rides, rather not. Guess what. She once gave a ride to a bunch of girls, everyone laughing, very distracting. Sure enough she crashed. Bh all was ok, she just bumped into a car when pulling out of a driveway. Cost us over $1000. She wanted to give back the keys, she felt terrible. I just told her that’s why we have those rules. She was much more selective after that with giving rides.

amother

↑ Khaki ↓

Mon, Jul 22 2024, 1:40 pm

amother Lightgreen wrote:

Curious is your daughter dating. I think it’s very different to have rules for a 16/17 than someone who is dating to get married

amother

↑ Khaki ↓

Mon, Jul 22 2024, 1:42 pm

Op there is nothing wrong with imposing such rules. But if you feel these are necessary then please reconsider her dating now. She is then not ready to make the biggest decision of her life and potentially be responsible for another human soon.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Mon, Jul 22 2024, 1:56 pm

amother Khaki wrote:

Well, who says she is dating already 😀 ? Regardless, I don't see the correlation. Just because she has her license doesn't mean she is ready to jump full steam ahead and drive a car full of friends. Don't we do the same with dating - we tell them to take it slow and steady and not rush full steam ahead?

Difference is that with dating she recognizes her inexperience. With driving, not so much. Also, with dating you have the time to pause and reflect, with driving not so much. One wrong move in one moment can have a disastrous effect.

We do need to allow our kids to spread their wings, but it's a transition. I don't agree with throwing them into the deep-end and letting them figure it out. Especially with something that can have disastrous effect both to herself or others, God forbid. It's a slow and steady progression that I aim for.

And for those who mentioned a timeline, I have already done that. I told her we will reevaluate after YT.

amother

↑ Khaki

Mon, Jul 22 2024, 2:09 pm

amother OP wrote:

But she should have the maturity to recognize that.

amother

Jean ↓

Mon, Jul 22 2024, 2:16 pm

mha3484 wrote:

So at the end of the day there is only so much you can control when they are this age. She also works I assume and can go and buy her own car and then you loose your leverage. So I think some short term rules are fine but you need an off ramp that is clearly communicated to her like an adult.

Yes, if this is something she wants that badly, op, be aware that while you assume reevaluating in 6 months or after yt whatever, by that point she may have managed to buy her own car or share with a friend who does, etc, and then there is no negotiating. A post high school/sem girl of 19 is a different story than a teenager of 16, no matter if she just recently got her license.

amother

Lilac

Mon, Jul 22 2024, 2:27 pm

I agree with you 100%.
I'm an experienced driver and still didn't want to take all 3 grandkids in the car last week. I needed my husband's convincing first. She needs more experience - that's even the rule here in EY!

amother

↑ OP ↓

Mon, Jul 22 2024, 2:32 pm

amother Jean wrote:

I'm not worried about her buying her own car just yet. So that's not a consideration for me now.

Besides, my daughter is generally a good girl and wouldn't directly go against my wishes if she is living home, even with her own stuff. She is BH very respectful to us and has beautiful middos.

amother

↑ Jean ↓

Mon, Jul 22 2024, 2:36 pm

amother OP wrote:

This is where parents of young adults living at home often get surprised. They see their kids through the lenses of still being a teenager, when they aren't anymore. I am sure your daughter is very respectful but it's shortsighted to make an assumption like that. I've seen many parents get surprises like that. Just saying.

amother

↑ OP

Mon, Jul 22 2024, 3:02 pm

amother Jean wrote:

Just saying that I know my daughter and I'm not worried. If you would be talking about another one of my kids, I would agree with you. But not this one.

My motherly intuition has never failed me, and I will continue to trust it.

amother

↑ Jean

Mon, Jul 22 2024, 3:06 pm

amother OP wrote:

If you say so. I've seen some parents who spoke just like that really taken for a loop, though. It's nothing to do with being respectful or having good middos. It's a completely normal (and healthy) step in the process of growing up and becoming adult. Even "good" and obedient type of "kids" need to stretch their wings at a certain point-- they are the ones that are the biggest surprises because their parents weren't anticipating it all from them.