Am I being mean? | Imamother

amother

Viola

Mon, Jul 22 2024, 9:34 am

amother OP wrote:

Well, since she is young, she feels invincible, so I don't trust her confidence just yet. Maybe as she gets more experienced I will ease up on this

Driving is just something that gets me very worried, and I don't fall asleep until she is back home safely. So taking the extra time to chauffeur everyone home does affect me cause I wait up for her.

A car full of chattering 5-6 teens is a greater distraction than 2-3 girls. (I had originally wanted to limit her to one friend in the car, but agreed to 2 as a compromise.)

But would you trust her confidence enough to let her date, get married, and live in her own lives with her own rules? If you're not letting her date yet, I understand your caution. But otherwise, you're playing the short game. As soon as she's married, she's doing whatever she wants. The more you make rules. She doesn't understand now, the less she'll trust you in the future when you have no control.

For example, let's say she's married and wants to drive home in a rainstorm that you think is dangerous. She's not going to take you seriously because you had this rule now which she doesn't believe is as important. I'm not saying you're wrong. You can still be 100% right but that doesn't make it smart.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Mon, Jul 22 2024, 9:41 am

amother Viola wrote:

Of course I'm playing the short game. I'm only keeping these rules until she gains more experience on the road. I hope we both get more comfortable in the coming months - she gets more experience and I gain trust in her driving skills.

I don't think it's a fair comparison to getting married because then the girls gain a different mindset. There is a seriousness and maturity that comes with getting married that young single girls just don't have.

And no one ever said that letting go is easy 😌. I am just trying to navigate it with caution.

amother

Canary

Mon, Jul 22 2024, 9:44 am

amother Lightyellow wrote:

Sure. I'm assuming your daughter is at least 18. In my circles and upbringing at that age our parents didn't have major rules for us. Obviously we were expected to drive safely and act maturely etc but these were the years that we learned how to be young adults. Limiting passengers to me seems like an extra caution, that would, for lack of better description, be doing too much hishtadlus. And if you're daughter chooses to be a chauffer that is her decision to make. You can bring up points like won't you be tired tomorrow but if she chooses to drop everyone off anyways she'll learn from the experience. You can give her advice but to make blanket rules sounds so controlling to me...

Maybe I'm wrong because I don't have teens yet but I would have felt very stifled if my mother had these kind of rules for me. I do seem to run in different circles - grew up OOT Yeshivish and got my license in HS.

I think a big difference is thay you had your license already for a couple years before you were 18. This is a new driver.

mushkamothers

Mon, Jul 22 2024, 9:45 am

amother Garnet wrote:

I agree with you on principle OP. Maybe I’m not the age bracket you’re looking for though, I’m in my mid/low 30s with preteens.
I would do everything in my power to prevent a terrible situation from occurring.
However, when I read this originally, I assumed you were talking about a HS age daughter. (I also grew up OOT, and legally, after we got our license at 16, we weren’t allowed to drive non family members for 6 months)
My one small concern is that this is not a HS daughter. It’s a daughter who can get married. How do you reconcile potentially allowing her to run a house herself but not deciding for herself how many people she could take in a car?

This is totally not the same thing. Running a house takes executive functioning and domestic skills. Nobody will die if the chicken burns or she blows money on an expensive cut of meat for weekday supper. Driving has way higher stakes and also has a lot of invisible pitfalls like our own brains working against us and causing accidents when we're distracted or trying to multitask.

amother

Red ↓

Mon, Jul 22 2024, 9:46 am

amother NeonGreen wrote:

Years ago, shira smile's daughter (only child) was hit by A car of teenage girls. She survived, but it was really scary.

I don't think you're crazy, but it also depends on how long she's been driving and how good a driver she is.

Mrs. Smiles has 2 daughters BH. I met them both as she was my seminary teacher

amother

Feverfew ↓

Mon, Jul 22 2024, 9:54 am

I'm the mom of a 17 year old that is about to take her road test.
I agree with you 100%
I do not allow my daughter to go in the car with any of her friends driving. I would rather drive her than allow her friends to.
I will also not allow her to take friends when she starts driving and she knows that. We've discussed it already. She's not happy about it but that's too bad.
Safety first! And a car full of teenagers is not safe. The girls get rowdy, driver tries to show off and be macho... it's a recipe for disaster

amother

↑ Feverfew

Mon, Jul 22 2024, 9:55 am

amother Red wrote:

I think youre being a bit overbearing. At 18, she will start dating soon and start a household but she cant drive more than 2 friends around?

With responsibility often comes maturity. She's not there just yet.
Often a girl starting to date and starting a home is being guided by her parents and not just left to "fly on her own"

amother

Fuchsia ↓

Mon, Jul 22 2024, 9:58 am

You’re being nice. You already allowed her to get her license and gave her a car to drive in. That’s more than many parents allow obviously , because you see they all need her as a driver. I think your rule is very reasonable for an 18 year old. The rule is there to protect her because she is precious to you and you care. I say stick with it.

amother

Tealblue

Mon, Jul 22 2024, 9:58 am

I work in a school. I watch teenage sisters and new drivers do pick up. No, unless the driver is an extremely mature person. I would not trust them.
Also- are these true friends or only because she has a car?

amother

Khaki ↓

Mon, Jul 22 2024, 10:03 am

I find it interesting that you think she is old enough to date and get married but not old enough to decide how many passengers she can handle.
To me, if you trust your kid to make the biggest step in their life its time to trust all their decision making skills. If not its more a red flag to me to not let her date yet.

amother

Cerulean

Mon, Jul 22 2024, 10:25 am

It's not for nothing that mist states have very similar rules for teenage drivers. It's a very real concern. That said, she is an adult, and in the parsha it sounds like. And your only leverage is that you're paying for the car. You need an off ramp here for when you're going to ease up on this requirement, it shouldn't be indefinite.

amother

Fern

Mon, Jul 22 2024, 10:29 am

I’m not a mom of teens, I’m barely out of teenager hood myself- and I think you’re right.
I had the same attitude growing up, that it’s fine, I’m capable…
My mom put plenty of restrictions on my driving in the beginning, with reason. I didn’t like it, but I listened. Now that I’m a little older I can understand the rules, even if I didn’t like it.
And you are allowed to put your foot down. Let her make you the bad guy, and she can blame you.

shachachti ↓

Mon, Jul 22 2024, 10:39 am

I don't have this exact dilemma but very often I have my own intuition about things that aren't clear cut.

No one stands next to us parents of adult children with a handbook stating black and white rules.

Some things we just know ourselves and it is ok to have some rules based on our own life's experiences.

My policy is that I give my opinion but I make it a rule only if the adult teen is going to listen.

As someone else mentioned she can blame it on you. Yeah my mother doesn't want me to have more than 1 or 2 girls in the car.

↑ shachachti ↓

Mon, Jul 22 2024, 10:45 am

amother OP wrote:

I agree that it's not like getting married.

Marriage doesn't equal- 'this person has reached their max maturity level and does not need any input from other adults in his or her life.'

To the contrary many/most people start adulting and maturing after marriage.

mha3484

Mon, Jul 22 2024, 10:48 am

Its your car, you can make any rule you want and if she wants to use it then she has to follow. BUT there is a flip side to this. My mother did the my car my rules so my sister would drop the car off at the designated time but then walk to her friends houses. So she followed the rules in the literal sense but my mother didn't get what she wanted out of it. Her to be home. So at the end of the day there is only so much you can control when they are this age. She also works I assume and can go and buy her own car and then you loose your leverage. So I think some short term rules are fine but you need an off ramp that is clearly communicated to her like an adult.

keym

Mon, Jul 22 2024, 10:51 am

As a mother of teens and new drivers I agree with you.
However I feel like you need to figure out a way to turn it into a collaborative approach rather than "Mommy makes rules, I need to obey".
It's ok if she uses you and the rules as an excuse.

But she should feel like she has some input. Like this is the rule now. We'll reevaluate in 3 months. And then ask for her input. Number of friends? Time of day? Maybe specific friends.
Because ultimately your goal is to teach her to be selective and realize on her own her limits.