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Forum -> Chinuch, Education & Schooling

Am I being mean?

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amother

OP ↓

Mon, Jul 22 2024, 12:37 am

My daughter is a fairly new driver. I am nervous when she drives so I've limited her to driving with only two friends in the car. I feel like car full of friends is a huge distraction, hence this compromise.

The problem now is that her classmates are starting to get married and her friends call her for rides. Many have just come home from seminary and havent gotten their license yet and some are chassidish who arent allowed to drive. She wants me to change my rule because she feels mean saying no when she has space in the car.

I am really not comfortable with her driving a car full of friends and there is also the consideration that if she is the chauffeur it takes up a nice chunk of her time picking everyone up and dropping them off.

Curious about others thoughts and if I am being mean here.

amother

Lightyellow ↓

Mon, Jul 22 2024, 12:40 am

I don't think you're being mean per se I think you are being overbearing.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Mon, Jul 22 2024, 12:48 am

amother Lightyellow wrote:

I don't think you're being mean per se I think you are being overbearing.

Can you explain - overbearing how?

amother

Cadetblue ↓

Mon, Jul 22 2024, 12:50 am

I agree with you. There have been many accidents in our community where young drivers were distracted because they had a car full of friends. She can blame you and say I’m only allowed to drive 2 people. I’d stick to it.

tichellady ↓

Mon, Jul 22 2024, 12:52 am

I get the safety issue but the chauffeur issue is her own decision to work out. I don’t really see a difference between 2 friends in the car versus more. How does she feel about driving? Does she feel comfortable and confident and able to say when she needs to focus etc

amother

↑ Lightyellow ↓

Mon, Jul 22 2024, 1:00 am

amother OP wrote:

Can you explain - overbearing how?

Sure. I'm assuming your daughter is at least 18. In my circles and upbringing at that age our parents didn't have major rules for us. Obviously we were expected to drive safely and act maturely etc but these were the years that we learned how to be young adults. Limiting passengers to me seems like an extra caution, that would, for lack of better description, be doing too much hishtadlus. And if you're daughter chooses to be a chauffer that is her decision to make. You can bring up points like won't you be tired tomorrow but if she chooses to drop everyone off anyways she'll learn from the experience. You can give her advice but to make blanket rules sounds so controlling to me...

Maybe I'm wrong because I don't have teens yet but I would have felt very stifled if my mother had these kind of rules for me. I do seem to run in different circles - grew up OOT Yeshivish and got my license in HS.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Mon, Jul 22 2024, 1:02 am

tichellady wrote:

Well, since she is young, she feels invincible, so I don't trust her confidence just yet. Maybe as she gets more experienced I will ease up on this

Driving is just something that gets me very worried, and I don't fall asleep until she is back home safely. So taking the extra time to chauffeur everyone home does affect me cause I wait up for her.

A car full of chattering 5-6 teens is a greater distraction than 2-3 girls. (I had originally wanted to limit her to one friend in the car, but agreed to 2 as a compromise.)

amother

Silver

Mon, Jul 22 2024, 1:05 am

I don’t disagree with you.
(But I am the mom of a 20 yo, not a 24 yo myself)

amother

↑ OP ↓

Mon, Jul 22 2024, 1:10 am

amother Lightyellow wrote:

I hear you but it's not a matter of feeling stifled. She has no problem with it other than these times. And it's just because she feels bad so no to others and not because she finds it stifling. It doesn't impact her in other ways.

And maybe we have different perspectives being that you're OOT, but I'm not following how it's not a safety concern. This is the age group that had the highest percentage of accidents, and a larger group of girls is definitely more a distraction than a smaller group.

And as I've mentioned in another post - I am a nervous mom when it comes to driving. I am a lot more easygoing when it comes to other stuff but there is something about driving that just gets to me. So I can't fall asleep until she is back home. If she is chauffeuring home multiple kids, it makes me wait up even longer.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Mon, Jul 22 2024, 1:11 am

amother Silver wrote:

I don’t disagree with you.
(But I am the mom of a 20 yo, not a 24 yo myself)

You make a good point. Perhaps I should have requested replies only from moms of older teens and older.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Mon, Jul 22 2024, 1:16 am

amother Lightyellow wrote:

Maybe I'm wrong because I don't have teens yet but I would have felt very stifled if my mother had these kind of rules for me. I do seem to run in different circles - grew up OOT Yeshivish and got my license in HS.

So can I ask you to reconsider based on your children instead of yourself. Picture your child all grown up in his/her teens, and is now a new driver. Would you not be concerned with that child driving around town with a car full of friends (in the dark, no less).?

simcha12plus

Mon, Jul 22 2024, 1:21 am

my daughter is 21, and a fairly new driver.
I have a lot of rules.
You can blame the rules on your own caution.
Stick with your rules.
She can blame the rules on you too.
You are paying the insurance, you get to make the rules.

My parents don’t allow me to drive more than two passengers.
I’m not allowed to drive there at night.
I’m not allowed to take my car to the city.

in six months,you can reassess.

amother

Nemesia

Mon, Jul 22 2024, 1:33 am

If you are a teenage driver in NJ you can not take more then one passenger at a time.
This law was because of a lot of accidents with teenage drivers.

How long is your daughter driving?
If she is a new driver I don't blame you for being worried. Even is she is not such a new driver I would not blame you for being worried.

Your car your rules. You are paying for insurance

amother

Dill

Mon, Jul 22 2024, 1:38 am

I’m in my mid twenties and I agree with you op after reading your later posts. You are at the top of the list of people your daughter needs to be considerate to. You’re her mother, you’re worried about her safety, you’re paying the car insurance, and you’re staying up until she comes home. You come before the friendlies and acquaintances who want a ride.

amother

Marigold

Mon, Jul 22 2024, 1:47 am

I am in my 40’s and don’t think I could drive with even 2 friends in my car.
With my kids I say “I need to concentrate now”.

I am much less comfortable driving anyone besides kids.

kalsee

Mon, Jul 22 2024, 1:58 am

NOt mean, OP
Being responsible
The other girls will have to figure it out somehow.
You can reevaluate in 6 months or so, after she has more experience and you can see how she's doing with the driving

amother

↑ OP ↓

Mon, Jul 22 2024, 8:48 am

happy7 wrote:

Thanks - and thanks everyone for sharing your thoughts. I will stand my ground for a bit longer and reassess in a couple of months.

amother

Mauve

Mon, Jul 22 2024, 9:03 am

Is it mean to have to be stopped by a traffic light?
Is it mean to get a ticket for not being buckled?

I have rules for my teens as a passenger of a car driven by their friends.

Not mean, safe.

amother

NeonGreen ↓

Mon, Jul 22 2024, 9:15 am

Years ago, shira smile's daughter (only child) was hit by A car of teenage girls. She survived, but it was really scary.

I don't think you're crazy, but it also depends on how long she's been driving and how good a driver she is.

amother

Garnet

Mon, Jul 22 2024, 9:22 am

I agree with you on principle OP. Maybe I’m not the age bracket you’re looking for though, I’m in my mid/low 30s with preteens.
I would do everything in my power to prevent a terrible situation from occurring.
However, when I read this originally, I assumed you were talking about a HS age daughter. (I also grew up OOT, and legally, after we got our license at 16, we weren’t allowed to drive non family members for 6 months)
My one small concern is that this is not a HS daughter. It’s a daughter who can get married. How do you reconcile potentially allowing her to run a house herself but not deciding for herself how many people she could take in a car?

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