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-> Parenting our children
amother
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 Sat, Jul 20 2024, 8:14 pm
DH was in the bathroom taking a shower. I came into our room, walked into the walk in closet to get my clothes ready for tomorrow.
I hear DH coming out of the bathroom and I step out to ask him a question. Hes completely naked and says to me, I forgot my towel. I tell him that I saw a spare one under the sink. And just then my son gets up from laying on the floor between our beds and says Tatty, you have no clothes on, you're not supposed to walk around naked. Mommy close your eyes-ewww!
Wondering what you would do or say?
Note: Son is ND, he's 11 but maturity wise probably closer to 8. Also this is not the first time I saw him sneak in and hide in our room. As well as picking our lock twice. Once a regular lock and then we got a code lock and he opened that too.
Clearly there is a serious privacy boundary issue here.
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amother
Electricblue
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Sat, Jul 20 2024, 8:16 pm
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I have a chain lock only used for when we absolutely need the door locked as my kids have also picked the door a few times.
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amother
Taupe
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Sat, Jul 20 2024, 8:18 pm
I don’t think seeing him naked is the biggest deal.
My boys go to the mikvah on Erev Shabbos with my husband (community norm and minhag).
I think the privacy issue is a much bigger deal.
You need to figure out that piece for future.
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amother
Aquamarine
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Sat, Jul 20 2024, 8:19 pm
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Your last line is the issue. You need to deal with this behavior so he stops coming in all the time.
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amother
Daylily
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Sat, Jul 20 2024, 8:25 pm
| amother Taupe wrote: | I don’t think seeing him naked is the biggest deal.
My boys go to the mikvah on Erev Shabbos with my husband (community norm and minhag).
I think the privacy issue is a much bigger deal.
You need to figure out that piece for future. | this. Even an 8 year old should be able to be taught privacy and that coming in to parents room without permission is a behavior that is wrong and will not be tolerated.
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amother
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Sat, Jul 20 2024, 8:30 pm
My son has never seen his father naked. He was also grossed out that I was casually talking to DH with him naked. Do we not address this at all?
The privacy issue is a big issue. We need to deal with it. I'm not sure how. He has ASD, boundaries is a huge issue in general. I wish I could explain it to him in a way that he actually got it. He doesn't seem to. The code lock was our way of keeping him out when we're in there and when we're not. Unfortunately he picked it.
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amother
Caramel
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Sat, Jul 20 2024, 8:37 pm
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I would ignore it or if you want to say something you can say this is why we don't come into mommy and tattys room without knocking, when it is locked, or without permission. He should be able to understand that adults don't find other adults gross when naked bc they are mature. He does not need a sx speech
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Trademark
↓
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Sat, Jul 20 2024, 8:40 pm
| amother Taupe wrote: | I don’t think seeing him naked is the biggest deal.
My boys go to the mikvah on Erev Shabbos with my husband (community norm and minhag).
I think the privacy issue is a much bigger deal.
You need to figure out that piece for future. |
It's written in a shalchun aruch that a father and son are not allowed to go in the bath house (merchatz) together.
A son is not allowed to see his father naked because he shouldn't think where he comes from. That's the reason given.
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amother
Stonewash
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Sat, Jul 20 2024, 8:43 pm
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I think the first issue is working on the fact that it's not appropriate for him to be hiding in your room. What if you were changing with the reasonable expectation of privacy and instead he saw you undressed? In terms of his seeing his father undressed, you might tell him that hashem gave us our bodies and we are not ashamed of them, but that he should not be coming into your room where his father needs to change his clothing or take a shower. If he asks why you were there, you could tell him that grown ups also need privacy, there are different rule for married people, and that when he is grown up he will understand. I might not volunteer that if he doesn't ask. I would also find out why he is hiding in your room? Is he curious about why it's your private place? Is he anxious and he's looking for you there for comfort?
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amother
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Sat, Jul 20 2024, 9:02 pm
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He's hiding in our room for the thrill of sneaking in and outsmarting us.
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amother
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Sat, Jul 20 2024, 9:04 pm
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Are you getting prof help in general?
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amother
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Sat, Jul 20 2024, 9:10 pm
At the moment no, in general, over the years, yes.
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DrMom
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Sat, Jul 20 2024, 9:14 pm
| amother OP wrote: | | He's hiding in our room for the thrill of sneaking in and outsmarting us. |
Have there been any consequences for his past actions?
If he can understand "you are not supposed to walk around naked," he can also understand "you are not supposed to enter your parents' room without permission."
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amother
DarkKhaki
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Sat, Jul 20 2024, 9:28 pm
| amother Taupe wrote: | I don’t think seeing him naked is the biggest deal.
My boys go to the mikvah on Erev Shabbos with my husband (community norm and minhag).
I think the privacy issue is a much bigger deal.
You need to figure out that piece for future. |
It is actually a halachic issue for boys to go with their father to the mikvah & for them to see their father naked.
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amother
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Sat, Jul 20 2024, 9:34 pm
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My 3 boys (6, 5, 3 yrs) shower often with DH. It's much easier that way. They know the concept of tznius but I never saw this as an issue. They never comment on seeing DH that way since they are all showering like that. And they (almost) never come into our room without knocking and us saying they can enter.
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amother
NeonGreen
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Sat, Jul 20 2024, 9:38 pm
| amother Starflower wrote: | | My 3 boys (6, 5, 3 yrs) shower often with DH. It's much easier that way. They know the concept of tznius but I never saw this as an issue. They never comment on seeing DH that way since they are all showering like that. And they (almost) never come into our room without knocking and us saying they can enter. |
WTH???
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amother
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Sat, Jul 20 2024, 9:39 pm
| amother Starflower wrote: | | My 3 boys (6, 5, 3 yrs) shower often with DH. It's much easier that way. They know the concept of tznius but I never saw this as an issue. They never comment on seeing DH that way since they are all showering like that. And they (almost) never come into our room without knocking and us saying they can enter. |
Is this a cultural thing? Because in my world (American/yeshivish/ chassidish) that would be very very shocking
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amother
Ecru
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Sat, Jul 20 2024, 9:40 pm
| amother Starflower wrote: | | My 3 boys (6, 5, 3 yrs) shower often with DH. It's much easier that way. They know the concept of tznius but I never saw this as an issue. They never comment on seeing DH that way since they are all showering like that. And they (almost) never come into our room without knocking and us saying they can enter. |
yea you not being serious
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amother
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Sat, Jul 20 2024, 9:40 pm
| amother Starflower wrote: | | My 3 boys (6, 5, 3 yrs) shower often with DH. It's much easier that way. They know the concept of tznius but I never saw this as an issue. They never comment on seeing DH that way since they are all showering like that. And they (almost) never come into our room without knocking and us saying they can enter. |
Please tell me you’re joking!!
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I have a feeling that as he approaches puberty the privacy thing will really be challenging.