Post Eval gloom | Imamother

amother

OP ↓

Mon, Jul 15 2024, 9:50 am

Hi,
Just thinking there should be a term for this.

The after the principal calls you and you hang up and you feel like crying (or you do cry) feeling.

The after your kid is evaluated feeling: so you just sat and talked about all their perceived delays and weaknesses, vacillating between wanting to talk them up/sound better and then remembering that actually the worse they do the more services they’ll get. And now you feel wiped. Drained. Like the worst parent ever. Like Hashem please help me raise this child well and to enhance their strengths and build them up.

Does anyone have those moments, days?

I just had another of my beautiful children k”h evaluated. And it hurts. Of course I’m grateful we are doing this process for therapies iyh and glad she’ll get what she needs iyh. It’s just still painful nonetheless, to acknowledge that she’s lacking ch”v.

I wonder if I’m alone?

amother

Black

Mon, Jul 15 2024, 10:26 am

Absolutely not alone. I once stupidly scheduled an evaluation for DC on the same day as parent/teacher conferences, and it almost broke me. Watching your beautiful, precious, loving, perfectly imperfect child being torn to pieces is torture. I don’t wish it on anyone. ETA: and of course it still hurts even if it’s for the best.

amother

Sienna

Mon, Jul 15 2024, 10:51 am

Right there with you. I no longer go to PT conferences - I would get depressed afterwards and that was tough for everyone else. Now my husband goes and we discuss later. Sitting in the classroom having the people who should recognize your kids’ strengths and advocate for them only point to the kids’ weaknesses…it’s just too much for me. I can have strategic meetings with principals etc but conferences were just horrible.

amother

Aster

Mon, Jul 15 2024, 11:01 am

Very much relate.

Over time, though, I learned that I have more say than I thought I did. I learned that I can affect the tone of the conversation and insist on a strenth-based approach. I have the right, I can, and I do stop a teacher from the negatives and insist on hearing positives. I can do this politely, I can do this with a smile, and I can also do it with determination and force. I mean business and I will not be stopped in advocating for my child. There are two entities in that room, and I learned that they do not have all the power. Take back what belongs to you. Guide the conversation to positives and to practical approaches for what can be done, thank them, thank them again, and request a time frame to check back. From my experience, you will get people working with you and respecting you. A lot. And those that don't, don't count.

amother

Wandflower

Mon, Jul 15 2024, 11:20 am

We as humans are created imperfect and flawed by our masterful creater. I dont think there is really person who is truly neurotypical. I believe none of us belong shtupped in the same size box that we attempt to force our children into for many years.
As a new mother evaluations and diagnosis where torture. As time went on I realize what a wonderful mother I am . Helping each child get the help they need in this society that is set up for them to feel.
Denial? Maybe? But I dont think so.

amother

DarkRed

Fri, Jul 19 2024, 12:30 pm

Once your child gets the help they need some of that feeling goes away. I have 2 children on the spectrum with adhd and the first time you realize your child is perceived as difficult or different (often the same in this world), you feel overwhelmed. Depending on where you live (nyc for example) this road is less difficult because it's easier to get support.
If you live in a republic state with little to no services it's more challenging. Try to focus on what you like about your child. Go from there. They are still the same person.

amother

Brass

Fri, Jul 19 2024, 12:37 pm

I have to tell you, as a teacher on the other side of this , I hate playing a part in all of this. The school wants these kids to get services (so the kids get help!) so they come on strong to the parents. I feel like a sold my soul to the devil. Nothing breaks me more than seeing parents cry and asking me if there kid will be ok. Attention schools! We need to be able to get the message across without breaking the parents. We need to stop picking apart kids! I hate hearing my fellow coworkers doing that! Can you imagine if I picked you apart?! I think you have lots of things that can use some "help." Dear parents! Hashem gave you a blessing, your child. He will have strengths and weaknesses. Let's try to figure out a way together to navigate school in the most successful way possible.

amother

↑ OP

Fri, Jul 19 2024, 1:58 pm

amother Brass wrote:

Thanks for chiming in as a teacher that was nice to read.
I think it must be hard because you are the one to let us parents know. Ur the first responder so to speak.

I will say for my first kid I was devastated, in denial, took things slow.
For another kid I saw the delay and sought things on my own. For my 4th same k”h.
But my third I was holding my breath, thought wouldn’t get services, finally in the clear.
And then the teachers told me. And it was hard.
I almost feel like homeschooling and hiding under a rock.
Is it us? Our kids? Or schools and society?
Maybe our kids r stars and school should be more hands on/outside/inclusive, more something?
Dunno.
But thanks for hearing my pain and being so supportive bh Smile