What would be your reaction

amother

↑ OP ↓

Mon, Jul 08 2024, 7:20 am

amother Babypink wrote:

Your mil did nothing wrong and you sound a bit judgy calling her socially off. Maybe she is, but it's more likely that what you see as socially off because it's not customary for you and your pals is 100% accepted by her generation. In any event, once someone gives you something, it's yours to do with as you please. Use it, disinfect it, give it away or use it for kindling, but don't badmouth a person who was only looking to help you out.

I did not give a lot of context because I didn't think it was relevant but she is not so aware socially especially when it comes to gift giving. And I know she meant well and appreciate the thought. I also don't have anything against buying things second hand and there are totally things I would get secondhand (I got my dining room table from a neighbor for free). I just wouldn't buy secondhand for someone else if I didn't know if they were okay with it and I'm not so comfortable using something secondhand if I don't know anything about the source.
Thank you for all the suggestions on how to disinfect

amother

Salmon

Mon, Jul 08 2024, 7:20 am

I think I would expect to be asked before she got it for me. I've bought my pack n play second hand. You could see it was in perfect condition and likely was barely used.
My mom has also looked out for things for me, but would usually check with me before buying. But I grew up with very little that was bought new. So for me the mentality of buying second hand is normal. Dh was horrified when we first got married as he'd never heard of such a thing.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Mon, Jul 08 2024, 7:23 am

icedcoffee wrote:

Non-rhetorical question, why are you asking this? Are you looking for advice about talking to her about not doing it again? Are you wondering about whether you should buy secondhand for someone yourself?

No, it was more out of curiosity. My first reaction was that it was a little socially off to buy someone a secondhand gift and was wondering if that was valid or if other people think it's totally normal.
I have a little bit of a bias against my MIL to be honest (there's a lot more context to that, obviously) so sometimes I'm quick to judge what she does and it's not always valid so wanted to hear others' thoughts

amother

↑ OP

Mon, Jul 08 2024, 7:25 am

amother Salmon wrote:

Totally. Part of what turned me off was that it didn't look so clean. I think she got it in a box and had my FIL set it up and didn't even see it. We also have different standards about cleanliness

amother

↑ Pansy

Mon, Jul 08 2024, 7:29 am

amother OP wrote:

Totally. Part of what turned me off was that it didn't look so clean. I think she got it in a box and had my FIL set it up and didn't even see it. We also have different standards about cleanliness

Just because many buy second hand and are ok with it, doesn’t make your standards crazy. This thread leans heavily towards those that don’t care about these things.

amother

Seashell

Mon, Jul 08 2024, 7:33 am

Your mil meant well, like you said.

Yes, maybe it wasn’t the most socially with it thing to do, but you already know your mil isn’t like that.

Op, I totally get it. When I was newly married my mil told me she got me a gift. She pulled out 2 or 3 dresses from a bag and said I got these for you. Her younger daughters were so embarrassed and later told me it was from a gmach.

↑ mummiedearest

Mon, Jul 08 2024, 7:40 am

If this is a question of issues with your mil re:gift giving, you’re not alone. If it’s part of a pattern, it COULD be a social issue. However.

You’re going to be dealing with her for a long time, Gd willing. Find a way to make it work positively. Tell her that you really appreciate her skills at finding things secondhand and would love to give her a list of things to keep an eye out for. Let her know that anything off this list is not going to be useful for you, and you don’t want to throw things out. You’d really appreciate things on the list. If that isn’t enough for her, find friends who want secondhand stuff too. Let her know that her skills would be appreciated by many. Arrange with your friends to pick things up from her when these things are found. If she is busy finding useful things, she may lay off the annoying stuff. You’re not alone in having a mil like this. I have friends who throw bags of stuff away after every mil visit. Be aware that this particular acquisition was actually thoughtful and practical. She wants to help you, and this is what she knows how to do. I bet she’d really be happy to shop for a list. And thank her profusely every time she gets you something that you can use. As long as she’s not an actual hoarder trying to extend her hoard to your house, it sounds like she’s just trying to find a way to be in your life in a confident, positive manner.

shabbatiscoming

Mon, Jul 08 2024, 8:01 am

amother OP wrote:

I know she meant well and I definitely thanked her for it.
I'll probably keep it as a backup and buy my own
Do you think it was a social misstep on her part to buy a second hand item for someone else?

Not at all. I dont even understand why you think that. This was a lovely thing your MIL did. I really am not understanding the issue here.
You can wash the mattress for any pack and play. Soap, sponge, disinfectant wipes. Not a big deal at all. And then put a sheet on top. Whats the big deal?
I say thank your mother in law and use it in good health. And move on.

scruffy

Mon, Jul 08 2024, 8:10 am

My mil got me hand me downs from a neighbor of hers. I thought it was so thoughtful. Not all of it was my taste but it was still really nice.

I would totally use a secondhand pack n play from a stranger as long as it smelled and looked clean

amother

↑ Chicory

Mon, Jul 08 2024, 8:50 am

tichellady wrote:

I don’t see the issue. Put on a sheet. Do you never sleep in a hotel or someone else’s house?

People choose hotels based on the cleanliness and reviews. Getting a mattress from a random person…. You can’t vet them, you don’t know about bed bugs, mold, etc.

I would consider two options depending on your relationship with her
1. Thank you so much mil for always being so thoughtful and the many gifts. Unfortunately I’m overprotective when it comes to mattresses and babies, and prefer first hand use. Can I regift it to a Gmach?

2. Thank you so much mil for always being so thoughtful and the many gift. (And proceed to buy a new one.)

Cheiny

Mon, Jul 08 2024, 8:53 am

amother OP wrote:

Why are you over analyzing her actions? She obviously didn’t want to spend full price and she thought a used one would be fine. If it’s not something you care to use, just don’t. But be grateful for her gesture.

amother

Denim

Mon, Jul 08 2024, 10:39 am

When you borrowed one, did you worry if the owner's kid's diaper leaked or if they vomitted? It's the same "gross" factor if you know the people or if you don't.

I don't see any reason why you can't scrub it down really well and use it. And you can always get a replacement mattress if you are too grossed out.

We once found a used stroller outside my apartment dumpster. My mother stuck it in the bathtub and scrubbed it down really well. She took it home as a spare so we could visit without shlepping a stroller.

amother

↑ Wine

Mon, Jul 08 2024, 10:49 am

amother OP wrote:

For your birthday- a second hand gift would be off. Hearing you need something and finding it second hand and getting it for you- a kind gesture.

amother

↑ Babypink

Mon, Jul 08 2024, 10:53 am

amother OP wrote:

The bolded was obvious, but kudos to you for realizing it. However, if you were truly repentant, you would have omitted the snarky part of your OP in which you assassinate your mil's character and you would have simply stated that someone bought you a secondhand P&P and you wonder if you should keep it. Farshteyst?

imaima ↓

Mon, Jul 08 2024, 10:53 am

amother OP wrote:

Why does it matter? It’s between you and her? Why is it „social“?
There are no universal rules for this. Either you like it or you don’t.

↑ imaima

Mon, Jul 08 2024, 11:00 am

amother OP wrote:

I find it fascinating how dils always find mils socially off.
This doesn’t make much sense to me. Older people have been around in the society longer than younger ones. Why do younger people think they can do it better. Young people do tons awkward things and expect to be forgiven because they are young/overwhelmed with kids/what not.
There is always a certain generation gap.
But society doesn’t only consist of 20 year olds. I am sure the MIL is not socially unaware around her peers.

amother

Periwinkle

Mon, Jul 08 2024, 11:02 am

amother OP wrote:

No. I think it sounds like you’re looking for issues.

amother

Brunette

Tue, Jul 09 2024, 1:51 am

amother OP wrote:

Absolutely NOT.

She went out of her way to buy you something you'd said you needed, she got it in decent condition, it isn't even for regular use. Why would that be socially off?