Why did no one thank me?

↑ Queen Of Hearts ↓

Sun, Jul 07 2024, 9:44 am

amother Forsythia wrote:

But you are, because you don't know what anyone is going through.

Everyone knows their circumstances. But if you are not suffering from PPD but you are very overwhelmed, overtired, in pain, and brain is mush (as we all are post birth) consider this a PSA to take 2 seconds to text a thank you to someone who took the time to cook and care for you.
As I mentioned earlier a gift can be thanked for later. But a meal you know who the sender is, I think a quick text is appropriate.

↑ Jalapeño

Sun, Jul 07 2024, 9:45 am

Queen Of Hearts wrote:

Cv not judging any moms who may be going through PPD. I'm talking about the average busy, overwhelmed mom.

I'm assuming the same people might be the ones who might not be mannered in other circumstances.
I see lack of manners and mentschlichket All The Time. And it irks me how people can just take what others do for granted.

I appreciate this and think you're right and probably know the people in your life best.

But I want to just add that I think sometimes you can't know what other people are going through. I think people are genuinely surprised when I tell them what I experience, and if I manage to get out in public I think I might appear fine.

Obviously you know these women better and can judge based on overall patterns, but having been through this several times, I try to extend every possible courtesy to pp mothers for at least 3-6 months. Like let them get away with basically anything, until they've had time to heal.

I hope the people I'm sure I've forgotten would understand.

↑ Queen Of Hearts

Sun, Jul 07 2024, 9:47 am

Jalapeño wrote:

You're right.
I think a lot of us here are addressing the giver and a lot of us the receiver. I am addressing the receiver.
We are mechuyev to be dlkz but that's on the givers end.

amother

↑ Forsythia ↓

Sun, Jul 07 2024, 9:52 am

Queen Of Hearts wrote:

Everyone knows their circumstances.

Exactly! And therefore some women feel they can text and some feel they can
YOU do not know other women's circumstances so it's harmful to assume things

amother

↑ Forsythia ↓

Sun, Jul 07 2024, 9:53 am

Queen Of Hearts wrote:

You're right.
I think a lot of us here are addressing the giver and a lot of us the receiver. I am addressing the receiver.
We are mechuyev to be dlkz but that's on the givers end.

I agree to the receiver it's Mentchlich to thank if you can.
But this thread is addressing the OP- a giver of a meal

amother

Glitter ↓

Sun, Jul 07 2024, 9:55 am

Queen Of Hearts wrote:

Very Rude!
Please, no one is that busy that they can't take the minute to send a thank you text to someone who spent money and effort on you.
I actually think the mannered thing is to call. If you don't have the energy for a call a text will suffice. But I find even a text a bit of a cop out.

Great. I’ll call you at 2am when I’m awake and things are quiet in my house.

You can’t seriously expect a phone call from someone with a newborn. I’m not risking waking that baby asleep in my arms, and if they’re not in my arms I have 100 things that are more important like eating a meal

amother

↑ Forsythia ↓

Sun, Jul 07 2024, 9:55 am

amother Tuberose wrote:

Oops. My bad.

I also said op posted at 9:30 when it was actually at 8:30 am!

Banging head

Literally so childish of to correct that - I cannot understand
Did you want an applause for pointing out that Shabbos was a minute shorter than the longest Shabbos of the year? Can't Believe It

grow up

amother

↑ Jetblack ↓

Sun, Jul 07 2024, 10:05 am

Queen Of Hearts wrote:

Wow. You are seriously putting your ego above pain and being overwhelmed? You can’t possibly not see what’s wrong with this? You cannot be serious. This is insane. If your ego is so large do all the postpartum mothers a favor and send nothing.

amother

↑ Vermilion

Sun, Jul 07 2024, 10:11 am

Queen Of Hearts wrote:

I am very high energy but I NEVER do phone calls if I can help it.
Pp I I'm not interested in having long conversations with people and discussing my labor and for some reason even a quick thank you phone call is impossible to get off of ... so if you want a thank you, you're going to get a text.

↑ WhatFor

Sun, Jul 07 2024, 10:26 am

Queen Of Hearts wrote:

You're right.
I think a lot of us here are addressing the giver and a lot of us the receiver. I am addressing the receiver.
We are mechuyev to be dlkz but that's on the givers end.

The OP is the giver, not the receiver.

Sun, Jul 07 2024, 10:28 am

I made a bar mitzvah recently. I had a very lot of help and hakoras hatov is high on my list of priorities. Friday afternoon lots of people sent things in. Each time I closed the door I reached for my phone and texted thank you to the person who'd sent it (unless I saw them personally).
However as the day went on, the door knocks increased in pace and by the time I was doing my makeup half an hour before shabbos, I simply couldn't keep up and send a thank you text to every person.
By the time shabbos was over (11pm in the UK) I was so exhausted and overwhelmed that I'd long forgotten who sent me that delicious chocolate cake, although I was still really grateful.
If I happened to meet them the following week, I thanked them again.
But I'm human. I'm tired. I'm overwhelmed. And if I didn't do it right away, I simply forgot. And when I remembered I might have been driving or eating or putting kids to bed and by the next time I was holding my phone, I'd forgotten again.
And this was for a bar mitzvah when I didn't have a newborn baby! Kal v'chomer for a PP mum with a household of kids.
We are a nation of Yehudim. Our nature is to feel gratitude, and we all feel it, always. Just sometimes expressing it is too hard at that moment, and as overwhelmed mothers trying to hold a million things in our working memories, we may simply forget at a later time.

TR91

Sun, Jul 07 2024, 10:28 am

amother Burgundy wrote:

You find it quick and easy. Others don't.

I find it easy to relocate a garter snake. You pick up the snake, walk to the new location where you want it to be, and then you put it down. Easy as 1-2-3. But I know a lot of people who don't find it as easy, and I don't judge them. Not that it comes up very often.

Excellent example. Or killing a cockaroach. Etc etc.

So can we do the judging favorably thing both ways? We'll judge favorably that for some people sending a thank you text feels mammoth and hence not always possible pp, even if others can't understand that? And we'll judge favorably that some people have a need to be thanked immediately and are hurt if they don't receive it, even if others can't understand that?

Nobody needs to be attacked for their feelings.

amother

Fern

Sun, Jul 07 2024, 10:32 am

amother Hydrangea wrote:

I totally understand the not saying thank you right away for a baby gift. but for sending shabbos food?
I have a bunch of kids. Some super hard recoveries and my babies are not one bit easy. constantly screaming and barely sleep. but for real. you literally don't have time to take your phone and send a five second text-thanks for the food!. seriously. I think people need to grow up. the world doesn't stop when you are PP. no matter how mush your brain is, you managed to respond to the text of that friend/family to take up their offer of making shabbos, then yes, you have the basic decency of sending a dumb thank you text as well after you benefited and ate their food.

This. I have traumatic births and exceptionally demanding newborns. You can still txt a quick thank you. I don’t understand it either.

cholenteater ↓

Sun, Jul 07 2024, 10:35 am

If you need the thank you so badly, please just don't give the gift/supper/food/favor. I'll say thank you when you drop it off (or husband or kids will, and I'll text you right then). I will not say thank you after shabbos, I already made sure someone said thank you- why isn't that enough? Why do you need 2 thank yous? This is like you are giving the food or gift for yourself, not for me. You are giving it for the thanks, not for the help to a kimpeturin.
Just keep your favors.
I'll say it nicely-
No Thank You

amother

Topaz ↓

Sun, Jul 07 2024, 10:38 am

amother Royalblue wrote:

Well then now is a perfect time to learn my dear. Whole torah is based on this. It says that someone who doesnt have hakaros hatov will end up going against Hashem c"v

Question. Does the thank you have to be that instant? Or is it ok at some later time? Because op says she sent on Friday and today is Sunday. So should she perhaps wait a few more days before complaining?
And she did get an immediate thank you from one of the mothers, but wants another thank you afterwards with a compliment of how perfect it was.
Hakaros hatov is important. So is patience and understanding.

amother

↑ Jetblack ↓

Sun, Jul 07 2024, 10:43 am

amother Tiffanyblue wrote:

Why are you normalizing bad middos?

YOU ARE NOT DISABLED AFTER GIVING BIRTH!

My doula stressed that time and again. You might be in immense pain like I was, stitches, infection, swelling, extreme nipple pain and bleeding, back pain and other stuff but it shouldn't become normal not to thank.

Perhaps get your hubby to type out the text, a child, thank them at a later date, but stop pretending like most new mothers can't just send a one min text. It's beyond me. So entitled.

And this why ppd is prevalent. Idiotic messages like this. You are disabled and you should lay in bed and shut the world out. Any energy you have should be for your baby, other children and husband. The stupid messaging of keep up with every obligation especially feeding the egos of others, is why so many collapse. Such doulas should find another profession.

And hey husband I know you are sleeping less and helping so much at home while juggling work and your own life… but you must send thank you texts or else someone’s ego might hurt. So why don’t you break yourself caring about their immediate need for a thank you over taking care of yourself.

Yes definitely gift giver’s ego are for sure the priority here. Great ideas.

imanotmommy

Sun, Jul 07 2024, 10:44 am

It bothers me to get thank you cards in the mail, or long texts. I want to provide the maximum helpfulness to the new mom, and it makes me feel bad that she spent time and maybe money getting the thank you to me.

The only time I'd be waiting around for a text is if Im not sure if they got it (like I had to leave it at their door) and even then it's just because I'd feel bad if they didn't, not because I need their thanks.

I think I've thanked most people who've helped me or given me gifts, but I'm sure there are people who I forgot, or whose thank you cards got lost or whose gift got separated from the card and I didn't know who sent it.

Last edited by imanotmommy on Sun, Jul 07 2024, 12:34 pm; edited 1 time in total

amother

Lily

Sun, Jul 07 2024, 10:44 am

amother Topaz wrote:

But she got a thank you already!! Why does the mother have to have it on her head to remember to give a specific compliment and another thank you after using the item/eating the food?? There is more than enough going on already