Appropriate response when 13 year old son hits me

amother

↑ Garnet

Fri, Jul 05 2024, 10:38 am

It sounds like you are disciplining him too much and too harshly. Op you need a different approach and a different way of going about these things.

Throwing away his t shirt is harsh and from anger, it’s nothing to do with chinuch.

His anger is coming from the way you are
dealing with him probably for years.
Op you need to go about this differently.

Good luck!

amother

↑ OP

Fri, Jul 05 2024, 1:42 pm

Just a quick check in to say that I've read every single response. It's helpful to see a variety of opinions and practical suggestions.

I will begin with finding an expert therapist for my son. The "rabbi-as-mentor/therapist" route is not for me. I now know that I also need to rethink my parenting methods, especially for this particular child.

We discussed the episode last night. He said he did not intend to hit me with the t-shirt but he knew it could happen, seeing as I was standing right there. Today, he's back to being a good kid, is being helpful, speaking nicely, and being generous with his siblings.
Regardless, I know his issues require attention and I am seriously addressing them.

amother

↑ Antiquewhite ↓

Fri, Jul 05 2024, 3:28 pm

amother Raspberry wrote:

Please stop gaslighting OP.

What OP did wasn't okay and she recognizes that and came to ask for advice. Telling her that she was the first to get physical and brought the assault on herself by modeling physical behavior/ bad behavior - that's just crossing a line. Not okay.

No her anger didn't play a role in her getting hit. Her anger was the response to getting hit. She reacted wrong to being assaulted. But she didn't bring the assault on herself.

I’m not saying she brought the assault on herself. Read my words again. I said if you want to break the cycle you stop doing “physical acts”.
It’s too often that ppl assume that their child is the one with the problems and the four or three digit diagnosis that’s needed. We so often forget that behavior is shaped by the ppl around us and perhaps the adult in the room could do something to change the cycle of behavior. Isn’t that easier? Isn’t this what we want?
Do your own research about behavioral contingencies and you’ll see what I’m talking about

↑ shachachti

Fri, Jul 05 2024, 3:33 pm

amother OP wrote:

OP just letting you know that you can take a deep breath.

I've parented quiet a few teens and have made many mistakes along the way.

We are all human and thats what we do as such.

Your sons behavior isn't so alarming to people who have dealt with impulsive teens.

You said he didn't show remorse which some people might take as narcissistic but let me tell you- imho his lack of remorse isn't coming from that place.

First of all its premature for him to show remorse while he's actively being punished.

To add to that if he shows remorse it can open up his feelings which he might not have the tools to handle.

He's building up a wall.
You want to get him before the wall is cemented.

Good for you for taking action promptly.

amother

↑ Antiquewhite ↓

Fri, Jul 05 2024, 3:41 pm

amother Raspberry wrote:

You're not the only one. I pretty much agree with all your posts on this thread. I'm just trying not to engage with people who believe that gentle parenting is the solution to abusive behavior and who want to blame the victim for being assaulted. Because there's almost never any point in engaging with such people.
(I wrote one post in response to someone like that. For OP's sake, and less to have a conversation with that poster.)

FYI this isn’t gentle parenting. It’s dealing with a behavior from a behavioral prospective. It’s an approach used for ppl that are violent and abusive. It is the ONLY thing that works with such ppl.
Precisely how you deescalate an emotionally charged situation.

amother

↑ Antiquewhite

Fri, Jul 05 2024, 3:53 pm

amother OP wrote:

Kudos to you for being so open to suggestions. 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻
Did he tell you why he did it? Would he admit that to you?