Appropriate response when 13 year old son hits me

amother

↑ Mustard ↓

Thu, Jul 04 2024, 1:16 pm

Cheiny wrote:

Reacting from anger, and while angry is never a good idea. Throwing away the t-shirt was not a proper response.

I agree. Grounding for hitting makes sense. Throwing out his favorite t shirt does not make sense in my opinion.

Just fyi, I also screw up with my teen all the time and he drives me insane when he does the fake apology "my bad, my bad, my apologies mom"

amother

↑ Dandelion ↓

Thu, Jul 04 2024, 1:17 pm

amother Mustard wrote:

To me, taking something out of a teenagers hand is getting physical. Not saying its wrong perse but if a kid tends towards aggression, this can be an act of aggression in his eyes.

Try to make the scenario between two adults. Adult A is tapping a pencil at work. Adult B is his boss and asks him to stop. Adult A continues. Adult B takes away Adult As pencil. Adult A can technically claim to HR that Adult B was agressive and got into his space.

Is this extreme? Yes. But this child is clearly sensitive to physical responses. I would keep my response verbal so as to not escalate.

A child is a child period. You don’t have to respect what another adult tells you to do, you do have to respect your parent. It’s not comparable. And if you see your children as equal adults that’s a whole different issue that leads to such situations. Doesn’t matter if a parent removed something at 13 hitting is a red line he should long understand.

amother

Lemonchiffon

Thu, Jul 04 2024, 1:19 pm

amother Mustard wrote:

At the very least, it should come with a warning.
"If you do not stop spraying, I will take it away and you will have a consequence. "

I feel like taking it away puts you on the same level as the child. If a peer takes something away, it's not abnormal to react aggressively. If a person of authority takes something away, it is not appropriate to react aggressively.
You establish yourself as the person of authority in his adolescent mind by giving a warning.

amother

↑ Mustard ↓

Thu, Jul 04 2024, 1:21 pm

amother Dandelion wrote:

A child is a child period. You don’t have to respect what another adult tells you to do, you do have to respect your parent. It’s not compassion. And if you see your children as equal adults that’s a whole different issue that leads to such situations. Doesn’t matter if a parent removed something at 13 hitting is a red line he should long understand.

A 13 year old is not just a child. Hes a teen and its a delicate place to be with your not quite adult not quite child.

The teen is absolutely wrong but we are trying to brainstorm ways to deescalate not cause a bigger fight.

Taking something out of his hands physically, escalates the fight. Throwing his t shirt escalates the fight. Giving a consequence like grounding is appropriate.

Also, I dont know about you by my 14 year old son is bigger and stronger than me. If he was hitting (bh he is not) I wouldnt be able to keep up physically. I would make sure all interactions are verbal even when disciplining.

↑ WhatFor ↓

Thu, Jul 04 2024, 1:24 pm

amother Dandelion wrote:

This is all well and good in theory but if the kid doesn't respect you then you can scream it until you're blue in the face and still wind up at square one. If there's a mental health issue, it's pointless to talk about respect until he's treated. If that's not the issue but there's a terrible dynamic between the parent and child and the child already shows disrespect, then the horse has left the barn and you need to figure out how to repair the relationship. Ordering someone to respect you isn't going to work unless the individual is a happily compliant person.

giftedmom ↓

Thu, Jul 04 2024, 1:45 pm

There is a huge huge difference between mouthing off and hitting. Huge.
I disagree with anyone saying this is normal. He is at the stage where he is likely stronger or as strong as you. You don’t want him to think that hitting a woman is remotely acceptable in any form.
I would treat this like the physical situation it is. I wouldn’t give a consequence that equates it to not listening or any sort of misbehavior. This is not misbehavior it’s abuse, even if it’s your own child perpetrating it.
Every abusive husband was once a 13 year old teenage boy.
I know we love our sons to death and we want to see only the good in them but we have a responsibility to the world and to their future wives.

amother

Denim

Thu, Jul 04 2024, 1:49 pm

A teen hitting siblings is unideal, but a teen hitting his/her parents crosses a huge red line. Someone should explain what a huge aveira it is, much much worse than not listening to you when you said to stop spraying.

In fact, back when everybody used corporal punishment on children, the rabanim said that once the children were big, it was assur to hit them, not because they felt hitting children was wrong, but because when the children were big, they might be tempted to hit back and that was such an aveira that the parent must not put a stumbling block...

amother

↑ Raspberry ↓

Thu, Jul 04 2024, 1:51 pm

amother Denim wrote:

A teen hitting anyone is abuse. Full stop.

OP please answer the questions I asked on page 1. I might have suggestions but I need the answers first. And my questions are more important than all the people telling you how to parent and not to parent....

amother

Cinnamon

Thu, Jul 04 2024, 2:00 pm

amother OP wrote:

I appreciate these responses but what can I do to prevent him from hitting us/speaking so rudely in the future?

Unfortunately, today was not an isolated event. Its happened several times.

Do I just keep giving a consequence and moving on?

He needs a professional evaluation & the right professional help. There must be something deeper going on. Consequences & punishment, won't solve the actual issue this behavior may be stemming from.
How is his behavior in school?

amother

Pumpkin

Thu, Jul 04 2024, 2:46 pm

amother Dandelion wrote:

A child is a child.
But that's not her point.

Her point is, that whether justified or not, taking something out of a teens hand is getting physical.

amother

Waterlily

Thu, Jul 04 2024, 2:53 pm

amother OP wrote:

You mentioned you're the disciplinarian in the house. I think that's the core issue. Boys need an alpha male father (or father figure) in their lives. Sounds like he's not afraid of his father and that's a problem.

amother

Topaz

Thu, Jul 04 2024, 3:38 pm

I'm confused why everyone is agreeing with throwing his shirt in the dumpster and then grounding him on a special, once a year day (that has nothing to do with his actual actions).

Doing that is treating him like a child which btw I wouldn't suggest doing to a child either.

The first red flag is when he didn't listen to the spraying request. That could/should have been a conversation right there.

The first ineffectuve action on your part is physically removing the spray. You could have asked, redirected or ignored.

(I do not have teens yet but I've taught teens, including troubled ones.)

shachachti ↓

Thu, Jul 04 2024, 3:57 pm

I didn't read all the replies so maybe I'm redundant.

Op the question is what is the goal here?

Is it winning in this moment or is it having a loving relationship with him as he grows older?

I assume you'd want to have a relationship with him long term.

Based on that...

1. Are you open to hear that taking his beloved t-shirt and throwing it into a dumpster is an over reaction on your end and won't foster a relationship with this child?

2. Let's remember that he is all of 13 years old.

My own 13 year old son is basically a child that puts on tefilin and davens with minyan.
Yes he can lose himself and say and do immature things.

Check with yourself if you're not seeing your son as bigger than he actually is.

3. What he did is wrong and it cant be ignored.

But, Punishment, if at all necessary doesn't have to be impulsive.
It is much less effective if it happens in the moment.

What would have been much more effective is having him answer to what he did.

Talk to him when you're cooled off.
Ask him if he thinks it was OK to not obey?
Make the boy think!

4. He did ONE thing.
The punishment (if you believe in the helpfulness of them) has to be accordingly.

You dished out 6 harsh punishments at once.

1. Took away his beloved t-shirt
2. Threw it out for good.
3. Docked him
4. Docked him on a a special day.
5. Docked him when the family is going away.
(Oh God! That's so so harsh I don't even know who would ever advise you to do this to any child in 2024.)
6. Your husband talks mussar to him.

How can there be a long term relationship with this child after he was so gravely punished for what seems to be an impulsive immature moment?

I am not minimizing what he did.

But please have a look at your reactions and be honest if they weren't over reaction.

If you can still pull back I would really advise you to do so.

All these people telling you that you did well, please check if their adult children have a relationship with them.

↑ giftedmom ↓

Thu, Jul 04 2024, 4:26 pm

shachachti wrote:

There is a limit to how much we can or should sacrifice our own safety on the altar of “having a relationship”. We aren’t doing our children, nor their future families, any favors by taking abusive behavior.