Teen, Needs and Hardtail: a poll

amother

Cognac

Sun, Jun 30 2024, 10:54 pm

effess wrote:

I would not use the word deprived for my childhood. It was never a thing to get those things. I knew we couldn’t but so we’re most of my classmates like me. Only the rich kids had those things.

This is a perfect example of what I'm trying to say- if there was a mix in the school and class it would have been way more manageable. I kept thinking I must be a social outcast because that was what was identifiable to me as where I fit in from a material perspective. I went on to be super popular in mixed economic level high-school, got top jobs and talents were recognized there.

amother

DarkGreen

Sun, Jun 30 2024, 11:09 pm

amother Mayflower wrote:

I was deprived of things that were in literally just because they were in.
Now I look at the stuff and it was all so cheap. What's wrong with buying something just to make your kid happy? like a 20 dollar backpack that's just like all the other girls why not?
Even an American girl doll what's 100 dollars?

May you never know the challenge of poverty. May you never know how hard it can be to spend $20 (instead of $5) on a backpack, or $100 on a doll.

But be aware that for some of us, that's a very big deal.

amother

Opal

Sun, Jun 30 2024, 11:53 pm

amother Yolk wrote:

I never got the point in brand names. We got a bag with some designer clothes for my girls. I really hope people can tell they are hand me downs and don't think I spoil my kids. They get 2 shabbos outfits twice a year. I hated the idea of juicy and I didn't wear clothes with words on them as a teen.

Yeah, at some point my mother asked me what brand bag or coat or something the girls in my class in HS had and I was Dont know

amother

Burgundy

Mon, Jul 01 2024, 12:33 am

I didn’t have the right brand stuff when I was a kid- my parents were convinced they couldn’t afford it. At the time it was tough, but in hindsight it certainly made me stronger.

BH I grew up with a thick skin. I learned certain financial priorities. This served me well while my husband was in kollel for almost 10 years, and in klei kodesh ever since then. I would have never made it this far in living our avodas halodesh without a clear mind when it comes to chasing the Joneses…

amother

Lightcyan

Mon, Jul 01 2024, 2:09 am

I was an oldest girl so my mom didn't know what was in. I tried asking for a juicy sweatshirt, but she didn't know where to buy it from so I never got on.
I never had any "brands" but I had decent clothes and toys.
I remember telling myself one year after camp, that by next year I've got to go to camp with either a juicy sweatshirt or a specific brand of sneakers. But I tried asking my mom which didn't get me anything...
Now, yes, my little girls wear juicy and the other stuff I never had. I also finally bought myself a juicy sweatshirt (which I have yet to wear Laugh

)

amother

Tan

Mon, Jul 01 2024, 2:21 am

amother Slateblue wrote:

Brand names were not such a thing in my day but I never fit in. My clothing were weird, I was weird, my parents were weird. Everything about me was a little bit off socially. Mostly because my mother wore being different as a badge of pride and scorned people who fit in. She didnt even try which made it worse.

I managed ok as a kid but was embarrassed a lot. These days Im a lot healthier about it. I dont go running after every trend and im not a slave to brands but I do maintain normal standards.

My boys get tiros. My bochurim get the nice leather tefillin bag. They get decent sneakers. My kids are dressed nicely even if not expensively. I get my daughters the cute knapsack and little toys her friends have. I buy them the right style clothing even if it’s the imitation of the real thing. I have decent furniture that isnt broken. I am not super in to fashion but I dress appropriately for the occasion and dont wear embarrassing things. Im normal and I make an effort to fit into thw range of normal even if im not following every trend.

👏 Not easy to be balanced

amother

Topaz

Mon, Jul 01 2024, 2:35 am

I was totally unaware of brands and trends as a kid. I had everything I needed and was well dressed. I don't know if it just didn't exist in the community I grew up in or it just all went over my head. The main thing is that I never felt deprived. Today, I'm still not terribly into brand names but I am fashionably dressed as are my children. I do great with inexpensive labels whether it comes to clothing or home goods. I don't have the money to be a snob. 😂
Happily we seem to be quite accepted socially.

Comptroller

Mon, Jul 01 2024, 2:37 am

I was taught that people who need brand names are idiots, and it worked with me: I don't need brand names up to this day, and I never felt deprived, but smarter than those who swam with the stream.

On the other hand, until this day I avoid swimming with the stream.

ETA: maybe this "people who run after brand names = idiots" left such a deep inprint in me that even now, when I read threads about "what is in" "which brands do I have to buy to be with it", I am wondering why people are announcing their stupidity so openly...???

Last edited by Comptroller on Mon, Jul 01 2024, 6:16 am; edited 1 time in total

amother

Obsidian

Mon, Jul 01 2024, 3:16 am

amother Gardenia wrote:

I wouldn't use the word deprived for brand names. You can be deprived of love. You can be deprived of nourishment, you can be deprived of support. But brands? Just no. Maybe the word "missing out" would work better for something that is for the most part a luxury.

This isn’t true. It 100% can be a need for a child that they can be deprived of.

amother

Viola

Mon, Jul 01 2024, 6:48 am

I was deprived and my mom rarely fargined me something that „everyone“ had.

As a result I internalized that I am not the type to have what others have, I cannot ever get exactly what I want, when I want. It should always be delayed, a compromise or connected to some kind of suffering.

I looked like a nebach for quite a few years of my marriage until I realized I actually have the money to get things now.

When you see a person with means looking nebby, commiserate with them because they probably have internal limitations

amother

Indigo

Mon, Jul 01 2024, 7:30 am

amother Impatiens wrote:

Brand name when I was a kid (80s-90s) was a biz skirt and a champion sweatshirt. I had both but they weren’t expensive. There was no teen luxury items back then. What I was deprived of: gameboy/Nintendo. Minority resentful but as I grew I knew my parents were right. I deprive my children of lots of thing others may have and give them lots of things others don’t. No family is the same and no parents are the same

I also grew up then. But if you calculate for inflation, bis skirts were pretty up there in price. I remember them being around $60/70 which today comes out to roughly $140/150. I wore baby os instead and was thrilled when I finally got a real one. A champion sweatshirt was $25 which today would be $52. Not as much as alo but not quite cheap. So in some ways things were the same.

I give some things and resist others. My kids seem healthy and confident BH. In general I try not to make too big a deal about money in either direction.

amother

Mon, Jul 01 2024, 7:46 am

So the results so far as of this morning:

12% of people are still negatively affected
88% either were never negatively affected or grew up and realized why their parents had that stance

So interesting that so many people claim their kids will be negatively affected when this poll shows otherwise statistically

Re American girl doll: I always wanted one as a kid, I looked at all the catalogues. But never asked my parents bec I knew they couldn’t or wouldn’t spend $100 on a doll.

Now my dd has a bitty baby she was gifted but prefers playing with her Barbie’s (which I dislike bec of unrealistic body standards but that’s another conversation)

amother

Garnet

Mon, Jul 01 2024, 8:03 am

At first, the word deprived made me roll my eyes. I wore my sister's hand-me-downs. She was almost a decade older than me. But I was from an OOT community, so I never knew that wasn't "normal." Why would we buy new clothes when we had perfectly normal ones available?

But then I remembered...That was all until I went to camp one summer, was one of the only OOTers there, and all the other girls were so mean to me because of my clothes. Ugh. Went to a different camp the next summer, wearing the same type of clothes, and had a blast. I knew it meant more about those girls than about me.

But if I'd grown up with all of those girls in my school? I don't know. It was a miserable summer. What if I'd spent my whole life like that?

I think a lot of it depends on the people around you.

My boys have tiros today, at least the ones who want them. Not all of them do. I don't have any teenage girls right now. My preteen wears hand-me-downs from neighbors and cousins and doesn't seem to know the difference...yet...

watergirl

Mon, Jul 01 2024, 8:11 am

I did not have the things my peers had and I have no way of knowing if it negatively effected me or not. I was always on the social fringe as a kid for various reasons. My parents were not "with it" and I was missing social cues. Would having "the right shoes" have helped me fit in? I have no idea honestly. But I certainly keep this story in mind as a parent.
I've told this story here before but I'll tell it again.

The story of my LA Gear Shoes:
I was a kid in the 80s and 90s. The shoes all the girls had were LA Gear shoes, white tennis shoes with color changing threads that changed colors in the sun. They came with a few colors of shoe laces that were meant to be worn all at the same time. They were about $40, way too much money for a pair of shoes back then. I begged for those shoes!

My dad came home with the shoes for me after months of dreaming about them. But the way he gave them to me was with a lot of guilt, talking about the expense, how I have to keep them super clean, etc. He just kept going on and on about the price.

The next morning, I brought them back to my dad, crying, and told him to please return them. I said I can't enjoy them, they were too expensive. He PRAISED me for making "the right decision" and took them back. And that was that.

To this day, I think about those shoes. If there is a thing that the perceived "all" of the kids have, and it's possible for me to get them, I get it with joy and give it with joy. If it's out of my price range, I'll offer to split it with them and help them come up with the rest of the money (ie wait for chanukah or a birthday, or some other way like babysitting).

I want my kids to have the things they want and the things they need, but to know the difference. It's a hard line to follow. BH no one where I live has the Tiffany bracelets or other high cost items. But there are still things that I can't get (a Switch for one of my kids), etc. We make it work, hopefully in a better way than my dad did with me.