Why are we over therapizing our children

ora_43

Sun, Jun 30 2024, 3:35 am

I think there are also two big 'system' issues at play.

1. Schools - they aren't allowed to blame the parents, and they aren't allowed to punish the kids. What's left? Therapy. Got a kid throwing stuff in the classroom and generally being awful? You can't fail him or hold him back a year, you can't be honest with his parents about what you think they're doing wrong. But you can recommend therapy.

2. If you have a cure, why not use it? Eg if you think of ADHD meds as a safe, easy, effective way of helping kids with attention issues, why not be very generous with the "ADHD" label so that many, many kids can be helped? If you think that social skills therapy is a great, effective way of teaching kids to socialize, why not recommend it for every child who seems to struggle? In reality it's not so simple; everything has a cost if not significant risks or downsides. But I do think that to a large extent that's the thinking. 20, 30 years ago we had no easy fix for, say, social anxiety. Now we (think we) do. So why not use it.

amother

Amethyst

Sun, Jun 30 2024, 3:40 am

amother Glitter wrote:

Just because she was always high strung doesn't mean it's not medical. For example, someone can get parasites at a very young age, allergies can develop at a very young age too. Does she have any physical symptoms like runny nose, post nasal drip, headaches, stomachaches, rashes, etc. I'm not saying your dd has anything, but it's good to be very sure before moving on.

Giving special time and the other things you mentioned are great tools. Have you tried anything like The Explosive Child? Or any parenting course/mentor? Sod haAdam? Any other books?

No none of those issues.

Tried the explosive child, but nothing ever worked with her. I tried nurtured heart, blimi hellers parenting.
I have not tried a parenting mentor. Or sod haadam.

ora_43

Sun, Jun 30 2024, 4:55 am

amother Amethyst wrote:

For my child who is 10, yells, hits bites even (not autistic) constantly poking fun.

Said child is constantly losing it in school when things don’t go her way. Losing it at classmates (yelling at them), even hitting classmates.
Seems like it’s stemming from high anxiety when things are not just so.

How can I help this child as a parent?

Apologies in advance, but... how sure are you that it's not autism? Or something adjacent, like social communication disorder?

Autism is a lot more likely to go unnoticed or be misdiagnosed in girls.

amother

Wine

Sun, Jun 30 2024, 5:05 am

amother Honeydew wrote:

Exactly! It’s so dangerous to tell such people they just need to try harder.

Louder for those in the back.

The amount of shame I had when I finally started therapy and meds after years of “trying harder” in every conceivable way, including exercise, self-growth books, meditation, learning mussar, learning Rabi Nachman… I was having suicidal ideation and therapy and meds were what finally helped with that. For sure not every single kid needs therapy, and there are for sure terrible therapists out there, but there are a lot of really good ones and if you go to a qualified professional, then it can make a huge huge difference.

amother

Maize

Sun, Jun 30 2024, 5:28 am

amother Wine wrote:

This thread is about child therapy, presumably you're an adult.

Again, the book "Bad Therapy" explains this all in detail. I'm surprised I'm the only one to have brought it up.

amother

Wine

Sun, Jun 30 2024, 5:36 am

amother Maize wrote:

This thread is about child therapy, presumably you're an adult.

Again, the book "Bad Therapy" explains this all in detail. I'm surprised I'm the only one to have brought it up.

I read Bad Therapy and my point still stands. Telling people to try harder isn’t necessarily helpful.

Honestly, I could have benefited from therapy as a kid. I went through a lot of trauma, and my parents were not able to give me the support I needed. Things got worse when I was a teen. And believe me, I was trying as hard as I could, and feeling more and more self-hatred for not being able to just “get it right” despite my best efforts.

amother

Sun, Jun 30 2024, 7:18 am

amother Outerspace wrote:

Hi again. I'm the teacher with tons of questions.

Idk, maybe your school is way more on top of situations than mine. (Mine is not.) One of my students definitely had ASD, she had so many of the symptoms, but it's the school's call to discuss things openly with the parents, not me. The parents were in denial and the school didn't want to push them. So the girl gets no OT, no social skills, no ABA... She just gets tutoring. (Which is not what she needs.)

Being an engaging teacher was not enough to help her, because it was above my pay grade.

Same with the girl whose tremendous anxiety got in the way of her learning. I can't cure that. I could be nice and understanding, but I can't get to her kishkas. That was for the parents to help with, which they did, with the help of various professionals and modalities.

It's not always enough to be a loving, caring, attuned, parent.

And one more thing. Many parents have (several) other children and don't have the energy and headspace to help all their children, so they outsource to therapy. Just like they may outsource shopping to delivery and cleaning to cleaning help.

Also, as was pointed out earlier by another poster, many children do not like working with their parents. The shoemaker's children go barefoot, and my children don't all know the subject matter that my students are fluent in... They don't want to work with me.

I understand that some parents have to outsource their child’s skills building to therapists, but it’s not ideal, and I don’t blame the parents. Society has created impossible standards….

And yes, students who have severe anxiety often need meds. I had a student whose mom told me that she asked if she can be killed cuz she didn’t wanna live. Her anxiety manifested very slightly in class, and was way worse at home. The parents helped the child on their own and when she went on meds she started having behavioral outbursts in school, it was scary to watch. She was the calmest kid before meds… and I couldn’t help her much, the meds kind of controlled her.

All this said, doesn’t take away from my point.
There’s usually more we can do that what we tend to believe.

amother

Magnolia

Sun, Jun 30 2024, 7:36 am

I don't agree. I came from an abusive home. My parents were not at all emotionally capable of being good parents and would not be willing to consider other ideas. I was abused, my self esteem was zero, when I was a young adult (I did not come from the therapy era, I am in my thirties now) I wanted to go to therapy and a psychiatrist because I had debilitating anxiety, I was over 18 and my parents told me I will not get married because people will think I am crazy. Lo and behold I got strong on my own, I did find a therapist in school I could see (university), I got a job, moved out, finally went to a psychiatrist and better therapist, it turns out I have ADHD severely and several mental health issues. Today I am medicated, functioning so much better, married in a healthy relationship with my husband who is not at all abusive, and very kind to me. I wish I grew up in a place where I could have maybe learned to love myself and have better coping skills. I think there is a lot of misunderstanding regarding mental health. Legitimate therapy should be about teaching kids coping skills, and self development. It was so frustrating to be told to try harder when in fact I have ADHD severely, now that I have gotten help as an adult I can function so well. If I knew as a kid, I could have been a super achiever. I've heard someone who works with autistic children call them "not normal" and I think it's not out of malice but ignorance.

Kids absolutely should be taught at home. There should not be over-patholigizing of mental health stuff. But at the same time, I would say that a lot of kids who needed help a few decades ago didn't receive it, due to lack of awareness. I don't yet have kids so I don't know so much about the current state of affairs, but all I know is that I wish I had received more help at a younger age. I think there also needs to be less shame around mental health, and think of it more as, there is no NORMAL, our brains are unique and some of us may need more help with different things to succeed in an environment that has specific structures and standards.

amother

Honeydew

Sun, Jun 30 2024, 7:41 am

amother Maize wrote:

The recent event has nothing to do with child therapy, completely irrelevant.

And even adult therapy... does nothing for psychosis.

Psychosis often comes from a traumatic childhood incident. And if more kids got serious help there would be less mental illness. The brain literally rewires itself when trauma happens, and so many can be saved if only they were helped right away.

ora_43

Sun, Jun 30 2024, 7:45 am

amother Wine wrote:

I read Bad Therapy and my point still stands. Telling people to try harder isn’t necessarily helpful.

To be fair OP isn't telling people in distress to try harder, she's telling parents to try harder.

Although I can't agree with OP's assessment of what's a "little issue". Depression and anxiety?? Those are big issues! I would absolutely, 100% get therapy for a kid with either of those.

amother

Outerspace

Sun, Jun 30 2024, 7:57 am

amother OP wrote:

I hope you told her mother how the meds affected her, because that meant it was the wrong med or the wrong dose.

And what did you do when she was having major behavior outbursts in school? How did you reach her?

amother

Slateblue

Sun, Jun 30 2024, 8:02 am

I'm in therapy now, dealing with all my issues that weren't dealt with as a kid, it's over 30 years later. I didn't have therapy then. Was in a crisis. My mom tried her best, but there wasn't so much awareness then, plus the stigma, and image we had to keep up. What's even more, nobody realized a little girl was suffering because I performed so well. My mom was strong and tried to teach us resilience, and strengthen us with enunah and bitachon, which helped us get thru, but validation wasn't there, add to the mix, then I got married to an abusive husband, with many more challenges, and here I am. If not for therapy, I wouldn't survive probably. She gave me the space to build myself up again. BTW she keeps saying, I have a hard time facing my feelings, and going back to my childhood or traumas, yes thanks to the fact, that I learned early on, that my needs, feelings don't count and need to suppress them in order to be normal and keep up the image if being perfect.
It helped us not to wallow in self pity, and move fwd but with all feelings squashed inside if me ready to explode in the opportune time, which holds me back of functioning properly and being normal today.

Yes, people think maybe I'm in too much therapy today, or too busy with it. Lmaase, nobody has a clue what I'm dealing with. Not all my struggles are public knowledge. Besides therapy is brutal, to work thru everything and open up those feelings, that are buried and face them in order to heal.

That's temporary, we have goals, and trying to heal in order to be able to move fwd.

amother

Slateblue

Sun, Jun 30 2024, 8:19 am

I am knowledgeable, I've helped other kids, I know my kids struggles, I would be able to help them, if only they would listen to me and not defy me. Right now, with my husband degrading me, in front of my kids, my kids are brainwashed against me, and think I am an incapable dunce, and I became the enemy they need to fight so how can I help them, this way. Also the internal strife, makes them very insecure. Parents fighting, affects the kids. Of course, I sent them to therapy. I hope they will trust their therapist, and they can be helped. When a major thing happens, I do try to process with them, I do try to always validate their feelings.

Then my family has been in crisis, it affected everyone. The child that's been thru the crisis, was OK while it was happening, and tried to move fwd, but now that it's over, has cptsd, not functioning, checked out of life, and how much prodding I do, to wake child, to go to school, or be normal is not helping. Child needs to process the trauma, been thru, to heal and get back to normal life.

amother

DarkMagenta

Sun, Jun 30 2024, 8:22 am

amother DarkGray wrote:

I've never sent any of my kids to therapy nor have I consulted with professionals regarding their upbringing. I often write on here that talk therapy is overrated and I stand by that.

Having said that, I recently considered therapy for one of my children for the sole reason that it's easier for them to hear things and accept certain things from other people. They don't take well to me trying to "educate" them. They get very defensive. They'll hear it easier from someone else.

It doesn’t sound like you understand how therapy works. The therapist won’t educate your child about anything and won’t tell him what to do