14 year old teen daughter hitting younger sister age 9

amother

Wed, Jun 19 2024, 8:47 pm

No this does not really happen.. but it's also not the first time, a few months ago it was with her brother 3 years young Sad

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The younger sister 'touched' her things and she went on a hitting rampage. How do I deal with this?! I already 'yelled' at her and sent her to her room for 20 minutes (she's studying anyway and yes she took her time getting there..).

I don't get this, she just turned 14 and is way way too old for such.

Advise?!

amother

Oak

Wed, Jun 19 2024, 9:01 pm

I can commiserate. My almost 14 year old is acting insane. She screams yells demands etc. and yesterday because she was mad at me she hurt her three year old sister. Completely not acceptable. I’m following for advice.

Even though I noticed a trend on imamother. When people ask for advice about teens, the advice is usually given by people who can’t relate and don’t have teens right now.
Everyone will tell you what you are doing wrong or your child needs meds or therapy TMI

amother

Mimosa

Wed, Jun 19 2024, 9:09 pm

I have four teens but I’m not sure you want advice from me. I’m the last person that knows what they’re doing so I just kind of make things up as they come up.
I’m not even sure there’s anything more to do beyond what you already did. It sounds like a rare occurrence. Fourteen is young to be articulate all of the time, she’s not an adult, so she still reverted to juvenile behavior. I’d let it go. She’ll grow out of it and learn to express herself with words.
But again, I’m not one that plays by everyone’s rules 🫣.

amother

Maize

Wed, Jun 19 2024, 9:14 pm

It’s really normal at this age when their hormones are raging. I’d still set rules and consequences. With mine I tell her she can’t cross certain lines and I’d like to keep treating her as the oldest with tons of extra but she has to respect the lines. I set very few rules one being no physical anything allowed. And I do give her lots of privileges and tell her only she can do them because she’s older. It really helps when they get those privileges.

patzer

Wed, Jun 19 2024, 9:19 pm

amother OP wrote:

No this does not really happen.. but it's also not the first time, a few months ago it was with her brother 3 years young Sad

Bu "touched her things", do you mean literally touched, or was it more than that - more like "interfered with her things"?
How would you like 14-year-old to deal with such incidents? Would you like her to deal with it on her own or turn to you for help? If on her own, then how? If by turning to you, how do you respond?
Is 14-year-old by any chance an introvert? Introverts by nature value their space and privacy. I'm an introvert myself, and I truly crave the sense of security that comes when I know I can leave my possessions, walk away, and know that no one will touch them because they're in my space. Having someone rummage through my pocketbook, drawers, etc. without my permission is upsetting. And it's annoying when extroverts don't "get" that.
Do 14-year-old's younger siblings know that they need to respect her privacy?

amother

Lightpink

Wed, Jun 19 2024, 9:19 pm

My DD used to scratch her younger sister a lot. She has ADD. She is impulsive but without the hyperactivity. She calls me names too (sweet girl but her name calling comes from her impulsivity) She has low self esteem and is jealous of her younger sister. OP, does any of this resonate with you?
Fast forward a few years later: younger sister said my mistake was telling older daughter to stop. She said that I should’ve focused on HER and empowered her rather than focus on her big sister bec telling her to stop hitting her sister didn’t help. Much of the time it didn’t happen in front of me.
I’m guessing your daughter has ADHD. Have you considered that as a possibility?

amother

Powderblue

Wed, Jun 26 2024, 4:30 pm

I have a similar problem with 12yo DD and younger brother and sister 9 and almost 8.

With mine, little DD loves to provoke the 12yo and 12yo sometimes responds with hitting. Little DD then hits back. 12yo is very easily provoked. Little DD knows that just sticking her tongue out will get a reaction so does that and similar often. She also likes to sing and make noise around 12yo knowing it will annoy her.

I've tried talking to 12yo, explaining that I know little DD can be annoying but she's doing it just for the reaction and the best thing she can do is to ignore it and she'll quickly get bored and stop. I've played up the praise for being mature and the priviledges. I've reminded her of times when I've ignored the annoying behaviour and it's stopped, but the truth is that 12yo is just not mature enough to deal with it.

All 3 kids are extremely impulsive. It usually ends with "I'm just going to hit her because you never do anything except tell me to ignore her" (Not true, I use a lot of distraction tactics with little DD but even that sometimes doesn't work because 12yo won't realise that I'm doing it to redirect her and try to persue and antagonise her.)

12yo also often just decides to annoy little DD by copying her annoying behaviour, retorting that "well SHE does it!" when I try to reprimand her.

Like a previous poster mentioned, I don't always know who has started a fight, as obviously they wait until I'm out of the room to start. I hear them yelling, rush to them and have to raise my voice at least to tell them to go to different rooms.

I read all these posts on here by women who grew up in dysfunctional households where there was yelling and I really worry about what this atmosphere is doing to my kids or how it will affect them down the line.

amother

Strawberry

Wed, Jun 26 2024, 4:34 pm

amother Maize wrote:

What are some privileges I can give oldest 14 yo girl?

amother

Strawberry

Wed, Jun 26 2024, 4:35 pm

amother Powderblue wrote:

No advice but comforting that I’m not the only home in town
Some of your descriptions made me laugh out of recognition