What are your thoughts on inviting one spouse?

amother

Wed, Jun 19 2024, 12:08 am

We're iyH planning a kiddush. My husband and I don't have a lot of "couple friends" I.e where he's friends with the husband and I'm friends with the wife. His friends are more from shul and his shiur, whereas mine are childhood and neighborhood friends, with very little overlap between my friends and his.
We're trying to cut down costs, but we can't work out if it's rude to only invite one person instead of a couple, for all the people where I have nothing to do with the wife or he has nothing to do with the husband (in some cases, I'm pretty sure she wouldn't even know my name or what I look like, etc).

Would you be insulted if just your husband was invited to a kiddush? Is this a done thing? Tbh when I'm invited to simchos where I don't know the woman and we're only invited cuz the guy is a friend of my husband's, I just don't go...

groovy1224

Wed, Jun 19 2024, 12:14 am

You can't invite just one spouse. Practically though, kiddush invites aren't usually so formal that you have to specify whom you are inviting. Typically it's done via text or something so if he texts his friend, it's implied that the wife is invited too. Good news is that most likely, if the wives have nothing to do with each other I doubt they'd actually come.

amother

Floralwhite

Wed, Jun 19 2024, 12:18 am

I think a kiddush is usually less of a formal occasion that specific invitations to only one person isn't usually done. Unless your kiddush is something different to what I'm used to. Most people have it as an open invitation to anyone to pop by and say mazel tov. And a lot of people will have it low key with not that much food.
I think more of a sit down affair, like a wedding, then people can sometimes specify on the invite that it's only for the spouse who is friendly with them.

Success10

Wed, Jun 19 2024, 1:08 am

I'm in Israel. I've never heard of invites to a kiddush. You just post the invite on Social Media and in shul and people pop in. It's supposed to be casual. Also, this way is better because then, in all likeliness, only the spouse who actually has a connection to you will show up, they won't drag their spouse who doesn't know you/your husband when there was no personal invite forcing them to come.

amother

Midnight

Wed, Jun 19 2024, 1:56 am

This is not something that is usually very expensive. And often times people don’t go unless they’re close. But honestly, if I had a friend then invited me without my husband I probably would choose not to go and I’m not so sure I would continue the friendship. And if my husband had a friend that only invited him and not me, that would be extremely extreme insulting. I’m a little bit, surprised that you were even considering it, especially when we’re not talking about a whole wedding with the sit down me all that could be $100 a person. This would be done much cheaper plus the other person probably won’t come. But yes, very very, very, very rude and a lack of. Midos

amother

Hotpink

Wed, Jun 19 2024, 2:24 am

Your poll doesn't specify it's for a kiddush, so the results are skewed, based on us all thinking it could be a bar mitzvah or wedding invitation.

Definitely a no no to only invite half a couple to a kiddush. Be friendly and open, and go ahead and invite them as a whole. If they both feel comfortable and welcome coming to your kiddush, you may start to have more couples as friends.

You invite only half a couple, and we could be seeing a thread here shortly with a non invitee saying how hurt/excluded she felt!

Furthermore, not sure your age and stage. But making simchas means inviting spouses friends, and playing the part of gracious hostess. Not all the guests are my best pals, but they belong at the simcha sometimes.
Likewise, I have a simcha coming up where I will know almost nobody, but I'm invited and going because DH has the connection to the family, so I will playing the part of gracious guest.

Bnei Berak 10

Wed, Jun 19 2024, 3:15 am

Which kind of kiddush? Because of birth of a daughter or it's Shabbos Chattan? Or BM? Yahrzeit?
Where? In your home or in a hall or synagogue where you/DH are regularly praying?
If you do it at home it's OK to do it only for men (if your home is small it's fine to say we don't have space) and on the condition it's simple (if you do fancy they infamous kiddush & fress club will be there whether you like it or not)
In the synagogue women who have been praying there Shabbos morning cannot and shouldn't be excluded.
Kiddush events are not by invitation in my circles.

amother

RosePink ↓

Wed, Jun 19 2024, 3:37 am

amother OP wrote:

In the circles im familiar with (Lakewood,
flatbush, oot) a kiddush is an "open house" and not a real by invitation only thing even if invitations are sent. And ive only seen mailed invites for a bar mitzvah (aufruf is on wedding invite and all others no invite, except now they started with the texted and whatsapp invites).

With a texted invite for any event I don't think you need to track down each half of the couples cell phone numbers, you onky need to text one, but an invite to one is an invite to both. Will the spouse you arent friends with attend? As you point out very often not. but if theyre coming home from shul together they might grin and bear it.

A mailed invite needs to be to Mr and Mrs. Socially off not to.

Also, you dont mention kids. How are yoi handling them and your kiddush?

amother

Plum

Wed, Jun 19 2024, 3:40 am

Where I live, it's common to invite only men to a bar mitzvah seuda. Women are only invited if they're family or else very close friend of the mother. Newcomers to our community are sometimes offended by this, but it does save a lot of money.

Where my son lives, both spouses are invited to, let's say, weddings, but only the spouse that has a relationship with the baalei simcha is expected to go. So for example, last night DIL went to her friend's wedding, tonight DS is going to his friend's wedding and tomorrow night they're both going to a cousin's wedding. Both of them are very happy not to have to spend an evening with people they don't know.

I have never heard of formal invitations to a kiddush, as posters above have said. Generally speaking, people don't plan portions per person for a kiddush. It's announced in shul or in the shul/community newsletter and whoever feels close enough comes.

amother

↑ RosePink

Wed, Jun 19 2024, 3:43 am

amother OP wrote:

I already responded, but where is this kiddush? What circles? What age? What is kiddush for?

I m wondering if there is a generational or age thing going on. Im in my 40s.

Have you ever had one of you specifically invited and the other "not invited" that you are trying to figure this out?

lamplighter

Wed, Jun 19 2024, 4:20 am

I've never heard of formally inviting people to a kiddush. If you send an invitation you must invite both. If you are just texting or calling, you each call/text your people and whoever comes comes.
Either way usually (in my circles at least) the couple is invited to things but only the one that's friends with the baal simcha will come.

zaq

Wed, Jun 19 2024, 4:25 am

Unless it's a single- gender event, you invite married couples as a couple or not at all. Once they are married, they are a single social unit.

Put yourself in your guest shoes. How would you feel if someone invited only your husband and not you? Even if you had no intention of attending the event, would you not feel slighted?

dankbar ↓

Sun, Jul 21 2024, 8:37 am

This is so cultural, community based.

Plenty of times my husband comes home later from shul because he stayed for a kiddush in the shul, where he davens at, or he went over to another shul to give Mazel tov, to the bal simcha, where I was never invited to these events.

Then I've been personally invited to a women's only kiddush at a home, where the men's kiddush happens in shul.

Then even for bar mitzvahs, when bal simcha makes phone calls I've been invited events, where I got the call, I want to invite you, without mention of my husband like to neighbors or friends I'm close to, where my husband has nothing to do with the men, and only I attended.

Only when it's a relative both are invited.

If it's a wedding invitation or bar mitzvah invitation that's mailed, it will be addressed to Mr and Mrs, but we understand ourselves who it's meant for and won't both always go.

If it's someone from shul, sometimes I know the woman too, so I can go just go to give Mazel tov, if I feel close enough.

Even when I invite both to a simcha, sometimes woman will come for meal, her husband if he knows my husband might just come for a quickie or not at all.

Last edited by dankbar on Sun, Jul 21 2024, 8:41 am; edited 1 time in total

happy chick

Sun, Jul 21 2024, 8:41 am

It's not proper to invite only 1 spouse. Chances are, only the spouse who is the friend will show up.

Personally, I would be insulted if my husband got an invite that was only for him and I would feel insulted for him if I got an invite with only my name. There are many simchas that only one of us go to, but we're always both invited.