Having Petty Cash/CC

amother

OP ↓

Tue, Jun 18 2024, 11:41 pm

I feel very stressed and want to know if anyone is in same situation as me and how they deal with it.

I rarely have even a dollar cash on me
No credit card, no debit card.

If I ever go out, which is barely bec dont have money on me I cant even buy myself a drink because not even a dollar on me.

Anytime I need to shop I must ask permission
And need to know to ask a day before to get $ from dh. I cant buy anything when I need what I need. Has to be on his terms.
Whenever I finally do shop for myself its full of attitude of why so much $$ (which its not)

Here and there when I get some small change to keep, he always "borrows" it from me but never get it back.

Im obviously not talking about huge purchases just any random small purchase.

I am very frustrated and feel so locked in.

I feel so alone as I cant share this with anyone.
Anyone else in this situation?

amother

↑ Crocus

Wed, Jun 19 2024, 12:05 am

amother OP wrote:

Thanks ofr your replies.

How do you get petty cash in your wallet?
Do you have a certain amount you get weekly?
Or how?

We each have a credit card to our joint account.

In terms of petty cash for things like a coffee etc we have $15 a week each in our budget, anything over that we'll discuss with the other person

amother

Eggshell

Wed, Jun 19 2024, 12:08 am

Not to scare you but this is financial abuse. Needing to ask for money for basics like a drink is very unhealthy and I hope you are able to work this out with your husband. How long have you been married ? How do you buy groceries or stuff for the kids ?

amother

Bellflower

Wed, Jun 19 2024, 12:10 am

Big red flag. Please get help. Dh stocks an envelope in the house with cash and I take as needed. I let him know when it's running low and he gets more from bank. I also have credit card on me at all times. He doesn't question my purchases but I will discuss any large purchases like 100 or over besides for clothing because he knows that's more and wants me to go. I'm not a huge spender but can easily treat myself to lunch or something else for a few bucks no questions asked.
He pays the credit card bills so he sees what I'm spending and once or twice will ask me what a specific charge is and I will tell him. Thankfully don't feel like I need to hide anything

amother

↑ OP ↓

Wed, Jun 19 2024, 12:12 am

amother Eggshell wrote:

He shops for groceries

amother

Apricot

Wed, Jun 19 2024, 12:20 am

amother OP wrote:

Thanks ofr your replies.

How do you get petty cash in your wallet?
Do you have a certain amount you get weekly?
Or how?

Are you saying that you're literally unable to access money on your own, in addition to not being allowed to spend? I think the former is a bigger issue, because every couple has their own way of doing the latter. (though, it sounds like you're not ok with the arrangement you have, so in that case both aspects are an issue.)

We mostly use credit cards, so we both have those. But if I wanted cash, I could withdraw from our joint accounts, take from an envelope if we have around, or ask my husband for some (but that's only because he choose to carry cash more often than I do). we're both frugal, so there hasn't been a need for us to set a budget for what we each spend, but it's understood that we'd discuss big purchases.

amother

Hyacinth

Wed, Jun 19 2024, 12:27 am

amother OP wrote:

Thanks ofr your replies.

How do you get petty cash in your wallet?
Do you have a certain amount you get weekly?
Or how?

We each have a cc. We are both frugal but will each make small purchases without checking in with eachother. Larger, like clothes, we let eachother know, though I and he do not "ask permission" unless it is an expensive extra.

My husband takes out a decent amount of cash and keeps in a drawer and gets more when its depleted. I rarely use cash other than to pay the ceaning lady, but I try to make sure I have $20 to $30 for stuff for the kids, meshulachum, etc. It takes me weeks to spend it because I mainly use cc.

My husband does the bank errands and reviews/pays the cc bills ( and often comments on how much I spend!! To my annoyance) However, this is not because he "controls" my spending, but rather in the division of labour in our house, these chores are his.

amother

Blue

Wed, Jun 19 2024, 12:35 am

amother OP wrote:

Thanks ofr your replies.

How do you get petty cash in your wallet?
Do you have a certain amount you get weekly?
Or how?

I get cash in my wallet by going to an atm and withdrawing however much cash I want. I mainly use cc though. I am “in charge” of all the finances in my house (paying bills, going to the bank etc) but dh has access and I do not monitor or control his spending.

What you are describing sounds very unhealthy and/or abusive. I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this

amother

Daffodil

Wed, Jun 19 2024, 1:34 am

I’m so sorry I’m definitely not a professional, but it sounds like a very classic Scenario of financial abuse. You are married woman, and you can’t even buy a bottle of water when you were out?! My husband wouldn’t even feel safe if I was out and had no cash for Emergency I have been at Mom for over 25 years. We have had we haven’t had money, but I have always had a credit card. In fact my mom taught me for a very young age to get a credit card under my name so that I would have a credit report of my own if I ever needed it in the future. Now I have an insane credit limit, even though I really have no income of my own. Like my husband has a check with me if he calls a credit card company because I’m the main name on it. he never gives me cash. I go to cash machine and take it out. We use the credit card and cash. No one has to ask the other. Obviously we’re going to spend thousands of dollars on some thing we definitely run it by the other person, but if it’s under $500, then we just buy it and somehow my grocery shop is even more than that. I really hope that you are not being abused and other way and I hope that you get the clarity you need today. This is clearly not a healthy situation.

amother

Salmon

Wed, Jun 19 2024, 1:41 am

DH usually asks me before he spends money, but that's because there's rarely money in most accounts and he wants to know which card is the most likely to go through. Key difference: He isn't asking IF he can spend money, just which card to spend it on.

OP, have you discussed this issue with your husband? Does he feel it right or fair that you have no access to any money on a regular basis? What are the fears that are motivating this behavior? Would he feel comfortable checking with a Rav or friend if this is normal or perhaps this is dysfunctional behavior he is copying from his parents unwittingly?

If he is afraid that you will overspend and he wants to save or otherwise has financial insecurity, try to come up with a weekly budget he is okay with and put it on a debit card account you have access to (Capital One is free and easy to use).

amother

↑ Cognac ↓

Wed, Jun 19 2024, 1:41 am

amother OP wrote:

Thanks ofr your replies.

How do you get petty cash in your wallet?
Do you have a certain amount you get weekly?
Or how?

Same way he has it. That's the way it should be.

How long are you married and since when don't you have access to funds?

ra_mom

Wed, Jun 19 2024, 1:53 am

OP can you get a job? Take your power back. ❤️

And save (hide) your money in an account he doesn't have access to and won't find out about for a rainy day. If he's abusing you this way, you are not safe. What if you have to leave. Save money so you have freedom to do what you need to be safe.

essie14 ↓

Wed, Jun 19 2024, 1:57 am

This is absolutely financial abuse.
He leaves you alone all day without a dollar at all?
What if you need something?
What if your child needs something?
How long are you married and was this going on from day one?

amother

Yarrow

Wed, Jun 19 2024, 3:10 am

amother OP wrote:

Thanks ofr your replies.

How do you get petty cash in your wallet?
Do you have a certain amount you get weekly?
Or how?

One of us goes to the bank when needed and puts money in the drawer, and we both take as needed. We don’t make big purchases without discussing, but we buy what’s needed for the house or people in it. We treat each other like the adults we are.
Unless there’s more to the story, like you’re a recovering shopping addict and this is the only way to get you from wasting money, under a therapist’s guidance, this is 100% financial abuse.

salt

Wed, Jun 19 2024, 3:14 am

amother OP wrote:

Thanks ofr your replies.

How do you get petty cash in your wallet?
Do you have a certain amount you get weekly?
Or how?

We share a bank account and each have a credit card.
We can both withdraw cash from an ATM with that credit card.
Cash is kept in a drawer in our bedroom.
Our kids also know where that cash is. If they need cash they ask and I tell them to take.
My kids also have their own cash from babysitting, etc.

If either of us is unsure about a certain purchase, we consult with each other.