Its hard for me | Imamother

amother

↑ OP ↓

Mon, Jun 17 2024, 6:58 am

amother cornflower wrote:

I really feel for you. I came to the point after years of therapy ( his, mine, ours) and medication ( his) that I will accept what I get and stop asking for what I can't. I ended up emotionally detaching as well because I just couldn't be emotionally close when I was feeling so hopeless.
Hashem made a miracle and he initiated couple counseling ( here we go again) and we went to someone who diagnosed him with HFA and really helped our marriage. The ones who don't understand autism are useless.
I don't know if this is helpful at all but know that you have lots of company ( everyone loves my DH, only I was thinking about divorce).

How did you find someone who specializes with HFA?

I don't want to emotionally detach, but that does seem to be the path for people in my position. To me, what's a marriage if I'm emotionally detached?

amother

Snowdrop

Fri, Sep 06 2024, 9:11 am

amother OP wrote:

I know what Cassandra theory is, I am very well versed in the NT/ASD marriage resources although I will readily admit that there are very very limited ones out there.
Most basically advise either living parallel lives or getting divorced. I don't want to do either of those things. I have worked on my acceptance of things. Of course during times with my BIL, as imasinger so eloquently put it, it's magnified and painful. And I need to rework on the acceptance part.
The peice that is hard is not the acceptance but the feeling of love and blessed. I'm not just wanting to accept this marriage, I want to feel loved and in love with my husband. I can get there but then being around normal husbands or exceptional husbands moves things back 100 steps.
DH is a good person, he doesn't want to hurt me. He is doing his best. The only caveat is that he doesn't like taking instruction so asking for things to be improved backfires. Its why counseling backfires big time. It helps only when I ask in the actual moment.
I love him very much and he loves me but being around certain people highlights what I don't have and have been convincing myself is ok.

answering this a bit old post.

Op ,I get you.
Spoke to my therapist about support group -she said women get so burnt out and bitter, this type of support groups is hard to keep. I m currently trying to diagnose my husband -figure out if he is asd or deeply traumatized.

I also feel jealous and grieve from any reminder or noticing other women have caring, empathetic husbands. It's not best idea to cut off triggers ,but I do try to. No easy way-if triggered-just accept your feelings,let yourself feel the pain, and let it pass. This is terrible nisayon, I get it. And if I were you, I would limit interaction one on one as couple, you could blame it on tzniyus. Avoid not them as family,but seeing their interaction. You could speak to sil, but you don't need to Spend time as one couple with another. Dilute it a bit. I also start crying every time my friend tells what her caring kind husband does to her. I avoid these conversations, and you can really make tzniyus cover up. People don't have to share relationships with their husbands with their friends or family.

Also, I was going through different stages trying to figure out solution-there is none much. But don't fully withdraw, because you will punish yourself. Take from your asd husband as much, as he can give (what you know he can give). I avoid asking many stuff to not be hurt, but if you know you can guaranteed get some attention or time together with your husband -go for it!!! This type of relationship is so depriving and limiting, that you always have to balance between being a nag to them and fighting for your needs. I know what a walking on eggshells it is , while it naturally comes so easy for other people! It's huge nisayon only people in such situations get. Fully get you! I used to think I don't want to go to support group, because all my energy is going towards managing pain from my marriage, but after reading your post I realized maybe I actually should, and we should create one in real life or virtual. I actually have sooooooo much empathy in my heart for anyone in this situation, no regular woman in average marriage knows what it means to be in marriage with a spouse, whose way of communicating is impaired and different. I wish you well, and main thing --to find empathetic people. My friends don't and won't understand.