I cannot figure out how to do this life

amother

Hawthorn

Sat, Jun 15 2024, 10:31 pm

My baby is 9 months old, I do lots of housework with him. He crawls around the laundry room while I do laundry, crawls around each bedroom as I clean up. Sometimes I’ll close the baby gate and all doors and let him roam the hallway upstairs while I do upstairs chores.
The biggest issues I see are the nursing and sleeping. Throw the tomatoes, but if it’s making you depressed give him a bottle for some of the feedings. And he needs to go to sleep without being rocked at all at the perfect state of tired. If you say this is him on a good day then he’s really not doing well with going to sleep.

synthy

Sat, Jun 15 2024, 10:48 pm

amother Cyclamen wrote:

I dont know how to do it either. Everyone around me is doing it alright. One after the other. Plus working.
I feel like the biggest failure.

It’s a lot easier to have babies while you’re working. They’re at daycare for most of the day.

↑ imaima

Sat, Jun 15 2024, 11:03 pm

amother OP wrote:

They get home from school around 5 and have homework and stuff. They're helpful but they're not the answer to how in the world is anything supposed to get done.

Sure sure baby care is a full time job, so who's supposed to keep the house going while I do that? Or any of the care other people require? If a baby is a full time job do twins get two mothers? I mean I get that this is supposed to be validating but I'm just not buying it. When I look around, which is not that often because I don't feel like I have time or energy, it doesn't look like every mother with a baby isn't coping. I can usually find one or two who look like they might be feeling like me behind the scenes, but most seem to just be living somehow. Usually with more little kids, too, I don't know many in my current circle who have a long break like I do.

If you want to feel bad about yourself, you are welcome! Deciding to feel incapable is a choice.
Or you can be proud that you were attentive to your baby today and gave him what he needed while recovering from a virus.

Many people who manage a lot of other stuff also don’t do a good job mothering… Because they are focused on everything else.

amother

Bluebonnet

Sat, Jun 15 2024, 11:20 pm

I had my DD home with me full time until 18 months, working 15 hours a week, and have cleaning help only one day a week. My house is a wreck. It's a choice I made to have her home with me.
Like other poster said, the napping and nursing seem like they're taking up the most time. It may be time to introduce a bottle that the baby can feed themselves, and the baby must learn to fall asleep in a crib for naps, you should NOT have to be rocking him

amother

Blue

Sat, Jun 15 2024, 11:50 pm

If it helps, I relate so much and I have a very similar situation (two older kids then a large age gap), and I'm not even dealing with the sleep issues that you are (sleep here is definitely not perfect but still not what you have going on).

I just posted this the other day: https://www.imamother.com/foru.....64548

I really don't know what the answer is. How come some people have 8 kids with the last two being twins and make it look so easy breezy and I'm struggling so much with a much smaller family?

Anyway. Just wanted to send hugs and let you know you're not the only one who feels like this.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Sat, Jun 15 2024, 11:58 pm

I'm ok with rocking him to sleep because it takes 2 minutes and otherwise there's just a lot of sadness. The problem is when it doesn't work...

He refuses a bottle and sometimes even food. I don't know if he's spoiled or just sensitive. Sometimes he just cries and cries for me to nurse him.

But anyway the point is that even when things are going great it still feels like I'm not getting anywhere. A nice routine day with meals and naps and happy playing still left me drained before evening and having gotten zero errands or chores or anything done. Forget about self care. That's the part that puzzles me - when he doesn't sleep well I know exactly why I'm tired. When he was sick and wanted to be held all day I knew exactly why I got nothing done.

amother

Candycane

Sun, Jun 16 2024, 1:22 am

With twins I also got nothing done but it was less stressful because I could feel like supermom for just feeding them, changing them, and getting them to sleep. It's much harder to feel like supermom when doing it for just one, even though twins don't take twice as long.

My solution is to lower expectations to below zero and celebrate everything I do. Have suppers that can be made even if you have to drop baby in a playpen for 5 minutes to throw them in the oven (no babysitting or multiple step recipes). Wash clothes pre-sorted by person or room so that the piles are easy to sort through (I don't sort by color). Use plastic tablecloths and disposable dishes so the table can be cleared in 30 seconds, again if necessary baby can be unhappy for that long.

imasinger

Sun, Jun 16 2024, 2:43 am

I think you're being unfair on yourself to state that you're not handling things well based on a YT week.

Everyone is probably a little less productive at such times.

You might be right about depression. One helpful and inexpensive way to feel better is to get some regular exercise. How independent are your older kids, and how flexible is DH with minyan schedule? Can you schedule an early morning walk into your life, with Baby in the stroller, eating some Cheerios?

mummiedearest

Sun, Jun 16 2024, 4:59 am

SAHM here in the same boat. It’s not just about your ability. It’s about the baby’s individual needs. If this one needs to be rocked, needs mommy present for all waking moments, insists that mommy is a pacifier, mommy isn’t going to be scrubbing the house that often. That’s ok. Each difficult stage passes. In the moment, it is frustrating. What can you do to tweak things? Use disposable dishes as often as you need, wear baby to cook quick meals, get a robot vacuum to set off at night (there are cheapish ones). Sort laundry but don’t fold. I have a stack of baskets for this, everyone gets a basket of clothing. Give your big kids a regular chore rotation and come up with a family post-Shabbos clean up routine. Everyone can pitch in to wash dishes and sinks, scrub down counters, put away toys, sweep the floors. If you feel the need, you can add mopping and even cleaning bathrooms. If it’s non-negotiable, it’ll get done.

These things help, but you’ll still have plenty of “drowning” days. I don’t know how to fit in computer work,tbh. Sounds like brainstorming with your dh might be useful. You may have to agree to prioritize work over home if necessary. It’s not a permanent situation.

amother

Lightcyan

Sun, Jun 16 2024, 4:06 pm

OP wishing you Simchas! We have a new baby Granddaughter not yet 4 months old and my daughter just told me ''Mommy this is a full time job. I have a really hard time getting dinner ready cause every 10 min. she needs a clean diaper, or be nursed, held, burped, smiled at. OP when I had small ones I had a 8th grader come in for an hour a day just to hold our baby so I could prepare dinner. We are only human. OP the house will get and stay cleaner as children get older. It does happen. Enjoy the now.

amother

↑ Violet

Sun, Jun 16 2024, 4:19 pm

amother Lightcyan wrote:

I love that there’s people like you on Imamother who come on just to give a stranger/strangers kind words of chizuk. Bless you.

amother

↑ OP

Sun, Jun 16 2024, 4:19 pm

Thanks for the tips. I really appreciate hearing how to make things work, more than the reassurance that it's normal for nothing to work (which is validating but also a little depressing)

I'm not judging myself by the yom tov week, but I was home more so I thought I would do better than the times I'm running around with work, babysitter, appointments, etc. Used to be a day off of work I could accomplish 20x more than a work day, and a yom tov day at least you get more rest. Instead I had a day off of work both before and after Yom tov, as well as Sunday, in which I accomplished nothing except some cooking with help, and I made zero progress with sleep training or sleep period.

Today was a bit better because he slept pretty well and I got some tidying done while he napped. I did it in the bedroom so the kitchen is starting to smell though. And I was able to get a drop of work done while he played, though I'm still dangerously behind. My babysitter gets back from her yom tov travels tomorrow so at least I can work while he's there, though it won't be enough to put my life back together.

amother

Antiquewhite ↓

Sun, Jun 16 2024, 6:53 pm

Op
I have a 2.5 year old and a 10 month old. You are totally normal and ok. You really shouldn’t compare because everyone had a different set of circumstances. My neighbor has 3 under 3 and seems to be managing well but she also has a husband who is home at 4 every day and does laundry and shopping and all kinds of stuff while mine comes home exhausted at 9pm so everything is on me. This is just an example. Also some people are very good at pretending that all is cool when in fact they are collapsing. Just look at yourself and figure out what your needs are (for example it sounds like you need more cleaning help and self care time) and discuss with your husband how you can make some of it happen. Can he help out more, can you afford more cleaning help etc. knocking yourself and saying that I’m not managing while everyone else is managing os counterproductive.
Side note - my 10 month old is also nursing a ton and not sleep trained and it’s totally ok and normal and my pediatrician agrees. If you don’t feel sleep training is for you and you want to nurse your baby whenever he wakes op then go for it but you should know that sleep training is also okay.

amother

↑ Antiquewhite ↓

Sun, Jun 16 2024, 6:55 pm

tulip3 wrote:

Your baby doesn't sound easy at all and many ppl have easy babies so they are managing and doing fine.

totally agree with this. I have two kids and I did everything the same way and one kid could play on the floor happily with toys and the other wad always whiny and wanted to be held…

amother

↑ Antiquewhite

Sun, Jun 16 2024, 6:57 pm

amother Hawthorn wrote:

I have a 10 month old like this but my precious child would scream and cry if I didn’t give him my full attention or hold him. I couldn’t get anything done while he was awake. Some kids are just easier than others