I think I'm not doing Jewish family life right

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Forum -> Chinuch, Education & Schooling

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amother

Sun, Oct 20 2024, 2:13 pm

I'm a convert from a dysfunctional family. My mom had a lot anger issues due to what I think is unmanaged and undiagnosed ADHD. As a teen the Jewish families seemed a lot more well mannered (this was in Europe). Fast forward to today, we live in absolute chaos. My husband also seems to have ADHD, which he's slowly starting to accept. I have no family over here to lean on. My husband's family is either busy or doesn't want to deal with little children which I have several of. My mom came after some of my births but not all of them, so it feels like this chaos just keeps piling on. My husband is depressed because business has gone down in this economy and it's not looking better. I don't really get breaks. We started having a sitter for during the week but it's only 3 hours and she doesn't speak English and we can't afford anything more right now.
How are frum women with large families doing it all? What is their secret? I have failed teaching my kids how to take care of their own belongings and oldest is nearly 9. I'm left racing around the house as I try to find things that constantly go missing. Is there any book out there with super practical advice?

Genius

Sun, Oct 20 2024, 2:19 pm

Firstly, know that it's normal to be harried with a bunch of little kids. In the frum world too. I watch "That Practical Mom" Kailie Branciforte or something like that on YouTube. She's not Jewish, but she has a bunch of little ones and lots of ideas how to manage the house and kids. I'm sure there are a bunch of Jewish Women influencers too who are worth watching, they're just not on my feed.

giftedmom

Sun, Oct 20 2024, 2:21 pm

1. Conversion doesn’t solve adhd or trauma or anything like that
2. You’re comparing realistic life with adhd and little kids to an idealized version that you saw as a child of people outside. You didn’t see what went on inside of their homes.
Overall your description doesn’t seem that much out of the ordinary.

Success10

Sun, Oct 20 2024, 2:23 pm

So many Jewish homes like that! Do you read imamother??

groisamomma

Sun, Oct 20 2024, 2:27 pm

You sound like a typical Yiddishe mama with all the trials and trips that come along with it, and your family sounds like many of those we read about on here and that I know IRL. Like giftedmom said, you never saw the inside of those lovely Jewish houses and the obstacles they were dealing with. From the outside everything looks rosy because most people aren’t hanging out a shingle that says, “adhd lives here.” 😉 Your kids are little; give yourself a break. Everyone is harried at this stage. It would be nice for your 9-year-old to help a little (I’m a big believer in bribery while in survival mode) but you’re perfectly normal, doing the best you can in similar circumstances as many, many frum homes.

flowerpower

Sun, Oct 20 2024, 2:42 pm

It takes a village to raise a child. Support is really important. Those with family:friend support manage better somehow

amother

Wine

Sun, Oct 20 2024, 3:29 pm

I'll answer your question.

Frum women with large families either:
1) have a lot of family help
2) have a lot of help from their husband
3) have easy kids (can I guess that some of yours might have ADHD too?)
4) are just as overwhelmed and messy as you are (some do a better job hiding it than others)
5) are traumatizing their kids
6) ETA Hire a lot of help

Those are the only options I know of.

imaima

Sun, Oct 20 2024, 3:54 pm

amother OP wrote:

It helps to have a real life friend with a lifestyle you aspire to have and see what tips they have. What role models do you have right now?

Last edited by imaima on Sun, Oct 20 2024, 4:25 pm; edited 1 time in total

amother

Pink

Sun, Oct 20 2024, 4:22 pm

Birth control is the answer a lot of times when people are overwhelmed with life.
Being Orthodox doesn’t solve mental health issues like depression and adhd. Those have to be treated .

amother

Dandelion

Sun, Oct 20 2024, 5:02 pm

Raising a family with lots of small kids is overwhelming. But if you feel like you’re drowning you need more help. Therapy and parenting classes for yourself. Extra hands, babysitters and mothers helpers.

amother

Mint

Sun, Oct 20 2024, 6:34 pm

First of all, its normal to live in chaos with a bunch of little ones. Noone is magic mom - can have the kids busy, happy, and clean at the same time..and healthy kids need to be able to be kids.

Is there a possibility that, as you said, you grew up with dysfunctional parents, you may be unconsciously repeating behavior of your mom? If yes, you should find someone to guide you how to implement happiness in your home in a healthy way.

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