Your dd has a friend over... WWYD

amother

↑ Wandflower

Mon, Jun 03 2024, 8:27 am

amother Rainbow wrote:

Just from the way you are phrasing it I see you didn't understand. No problem!
There are plenty of courses you can learn from on how to prevent grooming. I'd only recommend one endorsed by Rabbanim. Hatzlacha

This has nothing to do with grooming. It’s just misunderstanding how to groom proof your child. Sounds like anxiety which leads to snobbery.

↑ mizle10 ↓

Mon, Jun 03 2024, 8:36 am

amother Rainbow wrote:

I tried- If you'd like you can reread my posts. If not try somewhere else:)

I scrolled back through the thread. You didn't explain much other than saying I don't understand but that's ok, and that your validating your child by not making her play with someone who makes her uncomfortable.

DD has 2 girls in her class that make her uncomfortable. One has a deformity in her fingers and the other doesn't swallow her saliva well (according to DD lol). So if these girls show up at my door I should validate my DD and turn them away?

amother

↑ Bluebonnet

Mon, Jun 03 2024, 8:54 am

mizle10 wrote:

That's right. Kids with deformities, or who are nerdy, make dd feel uncomfortable. Of course it ok to let her consider them unsafe.

I will reinforce this feeling of dd's by telling her she doesnt have to play with them. Because they are not socially great. And that's a legitimste reason to feel unsafe, because the not socially perfect set off my discomfort creep radar.

This practice of going with her feelings and falling for social pressure to shun "the annoying" will totally protect young dd from the social pressure of the cool, popular friend who wants to explore or the cute, suave, teen brother of her friend who chats with her to groom her.

##sarcasm alert!! Sarcasm alert!###

amother

IndianRed ↓

Mon, Jun 03 2024, 10:08 am

amother OP wrote:

Ok. OP here.
I'm the mother of the rejected girl.

I know that there are so many angles to every story, every girl, every family.

To all the mothers who would tell a girl, "Sorry she's not available," if you know the girl at your doorstep is a nice girl, a sweet girl, a normal girl... She's not going to be mean, loud, or inappropriate...

Just realize that when you close the door on the girl, who worked so hard to put herself out there and come out of her comfort zone (because she's been rebuffed by people like you), it's going to be that much harder for her to try someone again.

My daughter may lack some self-confidence (though you'd never guess that in school. Though she's not miss popular, she's a star) and she's too timid to invite your dd over, and it's normal to just knock at age 12 without pre planning...

She tried 4(!!!) friends this shabbos. I am so proud of her!!!

2 weren't home and 2 were "unavailable." (Seen with friends)

Can I ask a stupid question? Why isn’t she reaching out before shabbos to make plans?

And yes I’m an insecure adult who just moved in to a new neighborhood and is definitely not having an easy time so I definitely get it.

beloved

Mon, Jun 03 2024, 11:53 am

Quote:

To expand on this- I totally understand that you simply weren't educated about and that's okay! We're in this world to learn!

Quote:

Because I protect my kids from grooming. Unfortunately you can't even see that. That is so so sad...

Quote:

You seem to think very badly about other people- thinking that I make boundaries and don't do kibbud av when it's not successful... That's definitely a middah you can work on.

Quote:

Just from the way you are phrasing it I see you didn't understand. No problem!

Rainbow, may I suggest you try to make your point without being condescending? You're the one who ends up looking bad when you post this way, not the people you're talking down to.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Mon, Jun 03 2024, 4:20 pm

amother Rainbow wrote:

Because I protect my kids from grooming. Unfortunately you can't even see that. That is so so sad...
You honestly didn't seem to understand the psychology behind it.
Rav Yitzchak Berkowitz has some classes he recommends to teach about it. You can try to get in touch with him- I know a lot of people that took them.
Hatzlacha.

As someone who was a member of Rabbi Berkovits's kehillah, during the time when the upheaval about abuse etc. came out, and knowing the Rav in other ways too (regular monthly shiurim, knowing his Rebbetzin and daughters), I can assure you that Rav Berkovits would teach his children to extend themselves for classmates. Typical classmates who aren't your BFF are not a danger to you. That's not what grooming is about.

(And I was at his shiurim when the abuse situation was exposed, and heard the therapist he had come to speak to his Kehillah too.)

amother

↑ OP

Mon, Jun 03 2024, 4:23 pm

amother IndianRed wrote:

The girls in her grade in our neighborhood do not make plans before shabbos, so that would be even more awkward for her.

↑ ora_43

Tue, Jun 04 2024, 4:29 am

mizle10 wrote:

DD has 2 girls in her class that make her uncomfortable. One has a deformity in her fingers and the other doesn't swallow her saliva well (according to DD lol). So if these girls show up at my door I should validate my DD and turn them away?

Why does everything have to be black and white? Either you have to socialize with everyone, even people you dislike who give you a bad feeling, or you're allowed to snub anyone for any reason?

If your kid is uncomfortable with someone because they're bald or an amputee or whatever, educate your kid.

If your kid is uncomfortable with someone because they're pushy, or unkind, or they just have a bad gut feeling about them, listen to your kid.

amother

↑ IndianRed

Tue, Jun 04 2024, 4:43 am

amother OP wrote:

The girls in her grade in our neighborhood do not make plans before shabbos, so that would be even more awkward for her.

Ugh then it’s super not nice. Sorry!

↑ mizle10

Tue, Jun 04 2024, 7:37 am

ora_43 wrote:

I agree it shouldn't be black and white, hence my question.

Rainbow was saying not to push your kids when they're uncomfortable because then they won't trust their gut. But obviously there are times you're going to tell them to ignore their gut. No amount of educating my DD will make her feel good about being in those situations.

I had a neighbour who was acting very difficult socially. Her mother was in the hospital with stage 4 cancer. So yes I can "educate" my daughter but at the end of the day the message ism giving over is to ignore your discomfort around this girls attitude.