Your dd has a friend over... WWYD

amother

OP ↓

Sat, Jun 01 2024, 10:44 pm

Your 12yo dd has a friend over and another classmate, not a close friend knocks at the door. The girl at the door is a nice girl, a normal good, just not your dds bff.

WWYD?

Invite her in with a smile?
Say "I'm sorry , she's not available?"
Something else?

If it depends, can you explain circumstances? Thanks!

B'Syata D'Shmya ↓

Sat, Jun 01 2024, 10:53 pm

amother OP wrote:

No reason not to.

salt

Sat, Jun 01 2024, 11:00 pm

When any of my DD's friends knock on the door I usually smile, say hi, and call my DD to the door.
She can then decide whether to invite her in or say she's busy.
Usually no reason not to invite her in too.

amother

Nectarine

Sat, Jun 01 2024, 11:11 pm

I would tell my daughter that she has a friend at the door and let her decide if she wants to invite her in or not. Depends a lot though if this classmate coming over lives nearby, discussed before shabbos that she's coming over, etc.

When I was a young girl myself, I had a friend coming over a lot cause she lived on my block. I wasn't interested in her company and it was enough for me to be nice and friendly to her in school all the time. I really wanted other company over shabbos. At least on I felt that way on most shabbosim when I rather wanted to play with my cousin that I hadn't seen all week. I used to hate when my mother invited her in and then I was forced to play with her. Of course, that would be very different if she came from far away or just popped in once in a blue moon. Then I probably wouldn't care as much.

Iymnok

Sat, Jun 01 2024, 11:35 pm

"I'm sorry, I/she already has a friend over. Maybe another time."
That is unless they want her to join.
A knock on the door isn't an automatic invitation. Some friends don't work well in more than pairs.
We get this answer when calling for a playdate. While disappointing, we understand. If a 12yo is hurt, and can't understand, that's in her. You are clear and polite.

amother

Coral ↓

Sun, Jun 02 2024, 6:27 am

"Hello sarah! So good to see you. Let me see if rivka is available." I leave the girl at the front door, but with the door open, so I'm not shutting a door in her face.

Usually dd will invite her in.
Sometimes she's unavailable or doesn't want more company, so I'll return to the door to say "I'm so sorry, sarah, my daughter isn't available. I'll let her know that you came. Regards to your mother! "

amother

Bone

Sun, Jun 02 2024, 6:30 am

I have younger kids, boys. Sometimes ds 7 will have a friend over when a neighbor will knock. This neighbor has a history of getting my ds to run away from the first friend so I do not allow him inside if that other friend came first and I say I’m sorry ds is not available now.

Similar situation but details provide different context

Amarante

Sun, Jun 02 2024, 6:31 am

If this happened once, I would invite the girl in

This is because I wouldn't want to put my daughter in a potentially awkward position in terms of dealing with a friend at the door and I wouldn't want to be the "ogre" who turned a young girl away who was visiting.

I wouldn't know enough about dynamics and wouldn't want to act in an exclusionary manner without more information.

In the scheme of things - what is one afternoon if the girl who popped in seems like a nice girl and your daughter has never indicated she has issues etc.

I would however talk to me daughter on Sunday when we had time to have a comfortable conversation and ask her how she wanted to handle it moving forward if girls dropped in.

ETA - Also I would want my daughter to not be the kind of girl/woman/person who acted in an exclusionary manner towards people for no good reason except to be cliquish.

Last edited by Amarante on Sun, Jun 02 2024, 6:38 am; edited 1 time in total

amother

Hyacinth

Sun, Jun 02 2024, 6:32 am

It depends on many things.

Assuming this was on Shabbos. Did the girl walk a long distance to your house? Is the culture in your neighborhood one that you need to arrange play dates before?

Is your daughter struggling socially and can benefit with a one on one with the first friend? Does she get overwhelmed when it’s more the one friend? Is the second classmate bossy, mean, controlling or a bully?

My general attitude is that we welcome everyone to our house with a smile, unless any of the above apply. I would never tell any child that my daughter isn’t available to cover up for something else, this teaches children that it’s okay to be dishonest but I might say DD has a friend over, maybe it would work a diff time?

erm

Sun, Jun 02 2024, 6:34 am

If a 12 year old girl is coming over, it means she has no plans and is bored. She must feel comfortable enough with your daughter that she came over. I think good middos dictate that she is invited to join. I find it horrible that people would turn her away. Sometimes we accommodate others even if we aren’t in the mood of their company. I always tell my kids in these situations “I’m not telling you what to do but I know you know the right thing to do” and b’h they have never disappointed.

amother

Stoneblue ↓

Sun, Jun 02 2024, 6:34 am

I am surprised so many people would jsut invite her in when dd has a friend there already. Not all friends mesh and im even more surprised how many people would do it without asking their daughter.

amother

Wheat

Sun, Jun 02 2024, 6:39 am

Uch, this brings back horrible memories. Growing up, there were very few Jewish families where I lived. I had 1 neighbor on the block my age (Chana). There was another neighbor my age on the next block (Sara). These two would get together all the time. One Shabbos I saw Sara going to Chana's house. Soon after I walked down the block and knocked on Chana's door. She opened the door and said "my cousin is here so I can only play for a few minutes". Sara hid inside. Chana played ball with me for 2 minutes outside while glancing at the window every couple of seconds. Then she said I have to go. I felt horrible. The memories still pain me. (I was a very cute kid, who was dressed with oversized, old fashioned, dirty hand me downs and made fun of for it to my face).

Sorry for bringing this here, I just felt like getting it off my chest.

↑ mizle10 ↓

Sun, Jun 02 2024, 6:44 am

amother Stoneblue wrote:

I am surprised so many people would jsut invite her in when dd has a friend there already. Not all friends mesh and im even more surprised how many people would do it without asking their daughter.

It wouldn't even occur to me otherwise. In our house everyone is invited. Shabbos afternoon we usually end up with a big crowd of girls. I have the same standards for myself. BH for being popular and well liked. Be friendly and inviting. Not every day needs to be your funest day.

amother

↑ Wandflower ↓

Sun, Jun 02 2024, 6:44 am

amother Wheat wrote:

This is why I refuse to allow my kids to reject anyone. It’s just an afternoon play date it’s not a marriage! All kids can stretch themselves and include everyone for that short time.