What would u do? What can I do?

amother

OP ↓

Wed, May 29 2024, 3:08 am

I showed up to a Lechaim they had one plate of store bought cake in a paper plate and one bottle of seltzer. I tracked and rushed I didn’t eat before. I don’t care about me. Just thinking if this would happen to my sons Lechsim. How inappropriate/ insulting would it be if I send my sisters/ child to the store to buy some stuff. The thought of not feeding my guest is so embarrassing. We are big foodies and very generous with our food (more than any other way). I am specifically looking for a simple girl so this might really happen. I don’t want to be MIL from hell but… what would u do?

amother

↑ OP ↓

Wed, May 29 2024, 3:09 am

amother

Bronze

Wed, May 29 2024, 3:10 am

You want to go to the store and get food to put at someone else's lchaim????? Yeah no you shouldn't do that.

When your son gets engaged you'll be part of the planning.

amother

Hyssop

Wed, May 29 2024, 3:17 am

If your son is getting engaged you can let them know ahead of time that you will bring a fruit platter and a sushi platter etc. you can actively participate its your lchaim too. Dont show up then send someone to go buy stuff that is insulting.

amother

Cerulean

Wed, May 29 2024, 3:53 am

We traveled over 2 hours to attend a simchat bat, called for 11am. We figured they'd be serving brunch at that hour.

There were containers of unwashed baby tomatoes (watched the hostess take them out of a grocery bag and put them on the buffet table), bags of baby carrots, a few containers of chummus, a few bags of pita, and, weirdly enough, lots and lots of popcorn. Some of the popcorn had chocolate chips sprinkled on top. It was by far the skimpiest and strangest party spread I'd ever encountered.

It's not what I would have served had it been my party, but you know what? Who cares! It was a joyful and loving celebration, and we enjoyed every minute of it. We went out to eat afterwards.

If I showed up to my child's celebration and found little food put out, I'd shrug and enjoy the people. And maybe I'd offer to be in charge of the food in the future.

SuperWify

Wed, May 29 2024, 4:04 am

Other- If it’s your own sons lechaim you can show up with a few platters of cake, fruit, saldas, meat board.. whatever you want…

lamplighter

Wed, May 29 2024, 4:09 am

I think I voted wrong. I didn't realize this was after showing up and seeing the spread.
For your own child you are involved in the planning and bring some of your own platters but once you are already there you just smile and be polite. Showing up, looking around and then buying a platter is rude.

greenavocados

Wed, May 29 2024, 4:28 am

I'm confused. A lechayim here means the couple have just gotten engaged and close family and friends in the area come over to say mazel tov but it is very much not the engagement/ vort. Yeah, very often there isn't much food at all put out.

ChossidMom

Wed, May 29 2024, 4:35 am

greenavocados wrote:

Yep. I have been invited on occasion to a lechaim but that is just the actual vort which happens at very short notice. No fancy food was offered. Maybe some cake but that's it. The engagement party is usually the big party, thrown by the kallah's parents AT THEIR HOME. Of course it would be rude to order food after you get there. Lovely idea to bring something with you, though. Chocolates, cake, fruit platter etc.
The chosson's side is definitely not part of the planning!!!

amother

Bergamot ↓

Wed, May 29 2024, 4:41 am

L’chaim is not meant for eating. It’s just super close family stopping in to say mazel tov. Not sure why you expected food. That’s for the vort.

mommyhood

Wed, May 29 2024, 5:12 am

A l’chaim isn’t fancy food but I’ve never been to a l’chaim that has that little food the way the OP is describing. Usually there’s a small spread on the dining room table, some cake, cookies, fruit, drinks. Nothing like a vort or regular kiddush and not a full meal at all but something for the siblings and relatives that travel in to have a little bite while they’re standing around for a couple of hours. In my circles l’chaim are almost never a surprise. Maybe in those that is is things are different.

Notsobusy

Wed, May 29 2024, 5:31 am

SuperWify wrote:

Other- If it’s your own sons lechaim you can show up with a few platters of cake, fruit, saldas, meat board.. whatever you want…

I don't think so. The kallas family is usually the one hosting the lchaim, it's usually in their house and they're in charge of the food. You can bring one or two fancy foods as a gift, but I think it would be insulting to show up with a few different things. You can offer ahead of time that you would like to participate and that you'll bring a few things, but it's a little strange.

Definitely don't show up with a few dishes without discussing it first. It would be as if I invited a family for a shabbos meal and they showed up with half the meal without telling me first.

B'Syata D'Shmya

Wed, May 29 2024, 5:51 am

Understand that this is what they could manage and give the hostess a big smile and Mazal Tov. Since you were starving, don't stay long. Go out and buy yourself something to eat.
So many DLKZ scenarios.

amother

Waterlily

Wed, May 29 2024, 7:53 am

I completely disagree, it’s very insulting even if it’s your son’s lchaim (yeshivish circles). If you’re doing the way it’s done in your circles, hosted by the girl’s family, it’s insulting to offer to bring food. You’re not hosting, they are.

amother

Pansy

Wed, May 29 2024, 8:07 am

Chaim in my circles is basically for immediate family and maybe for a few best friends think not more than 20 people so I don’t think people that I know really put out much food. There’s literally something to make a. Chaim with. When my daughter got engaged, they did have some fruit and things, but there was definitely not food. That would really fill you up. It was more like some pretty snacks and cut fruit. And some alcohol. Nobody was expecting anymore.

amother

Milk

Wed, May 29 2024, 9:14 am

In our circles, a l'chaim is a small thing with just afew family members. No food more than a tray of cake. People don't stay for long either.

amother

Maple

Wed, May 29 2024, 11:36 am

OP, do you have a son in Shidduchim? Maybe someone has a suggestion for him, there are lots of us from simple families here...

There wasn't much more at my daughter's L'chaim, some candy, some drinks, they told us they were going to get engaged on Sunday, but then surprised us by getting engaged on the Thursday before, it was just the 2 families..

My L'chaim was at 2am, it was me, my chosson, and my mother. And a bottle of shnaps. No food at all.

amother

Cantaloupe

Wed, May 29 2024, 1:34 pm

You can't do anything at this point. If you are worried this might happen at your son's L'chaim, then you can try to get an idea of what they are planning to serve and if you don't think it will be enough you can offer to bring something to supplement. It is their party, so it would be insulting to bring something if they tell you not to.