Is this socially off to say

amother

OP ↓

Mon, May 27 2024, 6:21 pm

“I don’t know how you go to work! I could never go to work.”

Said by someone who is a sahm and has a full time nanny, who’s mother was a working mom all her life so it’s not like she doesn’t have exposure to working moms.

Said to someone who has no choice but to work to pay the bills.

amother

Blonde

Mon, May 27 2024, 6:33 pm

Better not to say it that way.

But as a full-time working mom who has heard variations of this, I think some people genuinely mean it in an admiring way. Like how I might say admiringly to a fireman, "I can't believe you run into burning buildings, I could never!" But some people mean it in a passive aggressive critical way, like "I could never be such a terrible mother." You can usually tell by the rest of the conversation which category they fall into.

amother

Honeysuckle

Mon, May 27 2024, 6:47 pm

Honestly? I think that. Even though I would never say it.

By which I mean that I work very very part-time from home and am so grateful I can do it because...I could never work full time and survive being a mom of my crew. Unless I gave up on sleep. And sanity.

I would also think it about a mom of 12 because keeping with crew that's half as big takes up all of my available mindspace, not to mention time and energy.

Or about a mom who says she survives on 4 hours of sleep a night. Or who does intermittant fasting and only eats for six hours a day. I honestly can't even imagine how people can accomplish these things. Not that I'd want to, personally. But that it's just not even something I could imagine for myself in my wildest dreams.

So no, I wouldn't say it like that because hopefully I'm not "socially off" as you say. But I'd be thinking it.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Mon, May 27 2024, 6:58 pm

amother Honeysuckle wrote:

I think a lot of things that I’d never say.

I bH have many tremendous blessings in my life for which I am exceedingly grateful to Hashem

Yet I’d never say this to anyone… seems so patronizing

She kept saying it, and kept saying how she loves that she has a nanny and it makes life so easy

It was odd and I’m wondering why she might have said all that

(For reference my sister in law and brother in law have a nanny, she doesn’t have to work, they bring in millions of dollars a year and she has never told me she doesn’t know how I can possibly manage to work. She asks me how my job is and how it’s going etc and shows interest in my humble life. So I know it’s not a money thing.)

yiddishmom ↓

Mon, May 27 2024, 6:58 pm

I don't know why everything has to be made in to such a big deal.

Why don't you just think that she meant is as a compliment (which she probably did)?

She probably feels overwhelmed and sometimes tired with all that she needs to deal with. She cannot imagine adding work on top of all that.

Correct, if you are the working mom who doesn't enjoy it at all, but need to work for financial/ other reasons, it might hurt you. But she didn't say anything stupid or wrong.

@zaq, no, the woman probably does NOT feel inferior. Not every woman out there sees it as a superiority to work and earn money. It's a pretty narrow minded thought process, in my opinion.

ETA: im seeing your second post now. Well, if she keeps saying it and you are getting condescending vibes, then this one woman has a narrow minded outlook and being judgemental regarding woman who do things differently. Otherwise, usually , it's a fairly innocent remark.

amother

↑ OP

Mon, May 27 2024, 7:00 pm

yiddishmom wrote:

It could be she’s overwhelmed but don’t forget she has a live in nanny so I’d be surprised if that’s why she said it.

↑ yiddishmom ↓

Mon, May 27 2024, 7:03 pm

amother OP wrote:

It could be she’s overwhelmed but don’t forget she has a live in nanny so I’d be surprised if that’s why she said it.

I know someone who doesn't work, has 2 full time ladies (one cleans and one does all the cooking, etc), 4 children. And she still cannot for the life of her imagine how I work part time.

I, for the life of man, cannot figure out what exactly this woman keeps busy with all day.

The feeling of overhelem-ness (I'm aware it's not an actual word) and exhaustion is more in the mind than in the actual work.

amother

↑ Dustypink

Mon, May 27 2024, 7:06 pm

yiddishmom wrote:

Sorry, but this would come across as very tasteless coming from someone who has TWO full-time housekeepers. Most people with help know better than to flaunt it to people who are working full-time without help.

↑ yiddishmom

Mon, May 27 2024, 7:24 pm

amother Dustypink wrote:

I don't know, but I don't see it that way. Good for her that her husband brings in millions and she can spend for VERY expensive clothing without thinking twice.

BH I also have an awesome life, albeit without thousands and I shop at Target for my children.

Overall, she is a nice person.

It's not a goal to view someone else as a negative, tactless, insensitive person.

↑ zaq

Tue, May 28 2024, 2:46 pm

Of course, a lot depends on HOW something is said. OP didn't tell us about her tone of voice or any other remarks she made. There's a world of difference between marveling "You're amazing, IDK how you do it, I could never work!" and sneering "IDK how you can do it, I could never (lower myself to) work!" My guess is that the tone and body language implied the latter, otherwise OP wouldn't have felt the need to post.

amother

Cappuccino

Tue, May 28 2024, 2:53 pm

zaq wrote:

That's often the problem here, you can't tell the tone.

And something else, you might be upset about such a comment one day because you're overwhelmed with idk, a sick kid, angry boss or whatever, but it wouldn't bother you on a day you're doing just fine.