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-> Parenting our children
amother
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 Sun, May 26 2024, 1:44 pm
We live in a small close knit neighborhood outside of Lakewood. There are about 30-40 frum families here and we all know each other. My sons (7,5) go on the neighborhood van to their respective schools in Lakewood every day and come home almost every day crying - or try to find excuses to not go on the van.
My kids are not pushovers/weak kids. I’d be less surprised if they were the bully.
Growing up, my mom never intervened for us for anything- it was too uncomfortable for her. I see how I’m doing the opposite but I wonder if I’m doing too much.
It’s uncomfortable- sure. The moms I have to call are all my neighbors. And I call so often. I beg them to tell me if my kids are doing anything to cause this bullying- and they don’t say anything. I wonder if it’s bc they’ve taught their kids how to handle it (how do you do that?) or if there is none. Either way, I feel really stupid being this tattle-telling mom who is so “overprotective “.
But these kids ambushed my son while riding his bike with another neighbor, knocked him down and started chasing him.
They pour water on him, stick out their leg to trip him, pull his hair, rip his projects, tell them their mom (me) is so fat, call him names, etc etc.
but then sometimes they play nicely (with some of the kids.)
Is it bullying? Is my “meddling” causing them to do it more?
My kids do great in school socially and do great individually with most of these boys.
So: when do I intervene?
How do I teach them to stand up to these boys?
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theoneandonly
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Sun, May 26 2024, 1:53 pm
| Quote: | | They pour water on him, stick out their leg to trip him, pull his hair, rip his projects, tell them their mom (me) is so fat, call him names, etc etc. |
100 percent bullying and I'm not sure why you even have a question
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imasinger
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Sun, May 26 2024, 1:54 pm
Sadly, IME, calling other moms to complain doesn't usually succeed as an intervention.
You and your boys might need some help in figuring out what will work; whether it's learning to stand up to the bullies, finding at least one other good friend to hang out with, or figuring other ways to keep them apart.
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amother
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Sun, May 26 2024, 2:00 pm
I would intervene.
How? I don't know. Sorry. Very painful.
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amother
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Sun, May 26 2024, 2:04 pm
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You must stick up for your child is bullying. It’s not meddling it’s called taking care of your child. I’d call school they should discipline their students.
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amother
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Sun, May 26 2024, 2:09 pm
Another angle: I see how my kids come to me for every small interaction (so and so said I’m a loser) waiting for me to call the parent- I wonder if I’m feeding into this by calling so often.
And by parents intervening- do other kids not see my kids as weak?
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amother
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Sun, May 26 2024, 2:10 pm
| amother OP wrote: | Another angle: I see how my kids come to me for every small interaction (so and so said I’m a loser) waiting for me to call the parent- I wonder if I’m feeding into this by calling so often.
And by parents intervening- do other kids not see my kids as weak? |
Wait, so you do call parents often about bullying?
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amother
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Sun, May 26 2024, 2:16 pm
| amother Milk wrote: | | Wait, so you do call parents often about bullying? |
It definitely feels often. It’s usually once every two weeks when it reaches a point.
(Today they took his yarmulke, poured water on him, called him names, and he’s my “no one can hurt me” child and was crying so it was serious lol)
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amother
Waterlily
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Sun, May 26 2024, 2:20 pm
I have boys who are 8 and 7 in a similar kind of neighborhood to you, and if this was happening to them, I think my heart would break in two.
I am so sorry you are going through this. I have no idea what to do though. Kids can really be mean. Especially as a pack
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mummiedearest
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Sun, May 26 2024, 2:24 pm
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Yes, it’s bullying. Your sons need to learn how and when to throw a punch. If you get involved often, they’re likely perceived as wusses. Boys will pick on wusses. If he throws a punch once, they will likely respect him. The important thing is to learn when to fight and when not to. Consider sending your boys to martial arts lessons.
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oneofakind
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Sun, May 26 2024, 4:56 pm
Call each of the mothers of these bullies and say, get your kids under control or I will take control. Stop asking what your kids are doing. Have your husband speak to the fathers.
Your kids need to make some buddies for protection. Cultivate a nice friend.Teach your kids to fight back if it makes sense ( one on one) and make it your business to confront them. yourself.
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mom!
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Sun, May 26 2024, 5:20 pm
Why don’t you call the school? Calling the parents directly likely won’t yield results, even the best intending parents can’t really control what happens on the van. The school has a better chance of success.
Of course you need to supervise at home to stay on top of things.
Hatzlacha
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oneofakind
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Sun, May 26 2024, 5:22 pm
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Schools have a very hard time dealing with bullying on their buses. They have nothing to do with what goes on on a private van. These kids are possibly not even in the same school.
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amother
Cerise
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Sun, May 26 2024, 5:26 pm
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I don’t live in lkwd but was shmoozing with a relative who lives in Manchester who took her kids off the van (boys go to OC) cuz the bullying just wasn’t worth the convenience
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Cheiny
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Sun, May 26 2024, 5:27 pm
| amother OP wrote: | We live in a small close knit neighborhood outside of Lakewood. There are about 30-40 frum families here and we all know each other. My sons (7,5) go on the neighborhood van to their respective schools in Lakewood every day and come home almost every day crying - or try to find excuses to not go on the van.
My kids are not pushovers/weak kids. I’d be less surprised if they were the bully.
Growing up, my mom never intervened for us for anything- it was too uncomfortable for her. I see how I’m doing the opposite but I wonder if I’m doing too much.
It’s uncomfortable- sure. The moms I have to call are all my neighbors. And I call so often. I beg them to tell me if my kids are doing anything to cause this bullying- and they don’t say anything. I wonder if it’s bc they’ve taught their kids how to handle it (how do you do that?) or if there is none. Either way, I feel really stupid being this tattle-telling mom who is so “overprotective “.
But these kids ambushed my son while riding his bike with another neighbor, knocked him down and started chasing him.
They pour water on him, stick out their leg to trip him, pull his hair, rip his projects, tell them their mom (me) is so fat, call him names, etc etc.
but then sometimes they play nicely (with some of the kids.)
Is it bullying? Is my “meddling” causing them to do it more?
My kids do great in school socially and do great individually with most of these boys.
So: when do I intervene?
How do I teach them to stand up to these boys? |
They knocked your son off his bike, trip him, pull his hair, pour water on him, destroy his projects, call him and you (!) nasty names, and you’re wondering if it’s bullying and whether to intervene??
The answer is a very solid yes to both!
Last edited by Cheiny on Sun, May 26 2024, 5:39 pm; edited 1 time in total
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amother
Gladiolus
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Sun, May 26 2024, 5:29 pm
| amother OP wrote: |
But these kids ambushed my son while riding his bike with another neighbor, knocked him down and started chasing him.
They pour water on him, stick out their leg to trip him, pull his hair, rip his projects, tell them their mom (me) is so fat, call him names, etc etc.
but then sometimes they play nicely (with some of the kids.)
Is it bullying? Is my “meddling” causing them to do it more?
My kids do great in school socially and do great individually with most of these boys.
So: when do I intervene?
How do I teach them to stand up to these boys? |
This is absolutely bullying, and quite horrific. Idk what I'd do if this were my kid(s). I'd feel very very hurt and upset on behalf of my kids.
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Cheiny
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Sun, May 26 2024, 5:30 pm
| oneofakind wrote: | | Schools have a very hard time dealing with bullying on their buses. They have nothing to do with what goes on on a private van. These kids are possibly not even in the same school. |
That’s not the point. If the bullies are students in their Yeshiva, they should dealing with this horrible behavior.
OP, I’d call the parents and tell them that unfortunately despite your having told them about their kids’ bullying behaviors before, apparently they’ve done nothing to take action and deal with their children, and tell them you’re just giving them a heads up if it continues you’re going to have no choice but to contact the Yeshiva.
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amother
Petunia
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Sun, May 26 2024, 5:34 pm
| oneofakind wrote: | Call each of the mothers of these bullies and say, get your kids under control or I will take control. Stop asking what your kids are doing. Have your husband speak to the fathers.
Your kids need to make some buddies for protection. Cultivate a nice friend.Teach your kids to fight back if it makes sense ( one on one) and make it your business to confront them. yourself. |
I disagree
Try to talk to the kids directly and at this age you can bribe them to be nice
Also please empower your child!
This is a skill he needs to learn that will serve him well for life’.
You calling the parents will just cause then to bully him more and parents telling their kids not to play with your son anymore and that’s the end of your friendships!
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amother
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Sun, May 26 2024, 5:55 pm
| amother Petunia wrote: | I disagree
Try to talk to the kids directly and at this age you can bribe them to be nice
Also please empower your child!
This is a skill he needs to learn that will serve him well for life’.
You calling the parents will just cause then to bully him more and parents telling their kids not to play with your son anymore and that’s the end of your friendships! |
Can you elaborate? What’s called empowering my child?
I tell him that if someone bother me him he should say “please stop”, if they don’t listen, he should push them away, and if they still persist, he should go find an adult.
I am by nature a very fiery person and I don’t trust my instincts.
My instincts say to tackle each one of those boys and beat the living daylights out of them and warn them that there’s more to come if they dare go near my boys.
I know that will just alienate them further (aside from all the other obviously wrong things with that).
My son is so not bullied material.
I guess no mother thinks their son is.
He’s just so well liked everywhere else. It’s just when it’s a pack of neighborhood boys. In Shul, the van…
When it’s one on one they’re such nice boys.
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