How do I combat bullying???

amother

OP ↓

Sun, Sep 22 2024, 5:43 am

Our family friends have a 5 yr old boy who always hits/ hurts my 3yr old and 2 yr old son. And his 3yr old brother often copies him and hits my ds also. His big brother 8 yrs old is best friends with my 8yr old son (who has few friends). His older brother is kind and not a bully. His parents are at a loss if how to deal with their 5 yr olds behavior, and I get the sense that their reaction just encourages him due to the attention it gets him.

Examples include tripping on concrete sidewalk so my dc hit concrete face first, kicking my dc in the face while he waa straped into a baby swing, him and his 3yr old brother smacking my dc with their kippahs repeatedly until I rescued him a few minutes later and the random wacks from just passing by.

Yesterday we were somewhere for shabbos and my son saw our these two boys coming and immediately said I don't want to play here because ploni will hit me.

My husband says to teach my ds how to stand up for himself and hit back. I'm not sure I agree with tye hitting back part, but how do we teach him m to derail the bullying. Is hitting back the only or easiest way to deter the physical attacks to my 3yr ds. And what about my 2yr old who doesn't talk yet( delayed I know) (my 3yr old is sharp, so I'm not sure why he is a target except my friend son probably doesn't target, he just wacks/spits/insults eveyone including adults.

Thanks in advanced.

dinglehopper

Sun, Sep 22 2024, 6:00 am

Your friends don't want to deal with it. If you have a child who bullies and hurts others and you want to do something, the very minimum is to not allow this child to run free. You gold his hand and you are involved in every single interaction. This child needs help and if his parents aren't giving it then he needs outside help. Until then, don't let your kids play with him unless you are right there.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Sun, Sep 22 2024, 6:12 am

amother NeonBlue wrote:

I think you do need to teach your child to hit back. Rabbi Berkowitz (Sanhedria Murchevet) says to teach your child to hit back.
Do you know any other effective way to stop bullying?

No, I don't reallt know any other effective way. one suggestion was to teach the child social skills and how to laugh it off/make it into a joke, but I feel that is not possible for 3yr old.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Sun, Sep 22 2024, 6:23 am

dinglehopper wrote:

Even when I'm supervising he hits my kids. Today he was unintentionally was under my watch and I had to hold him one one side away from my kids for awhile until I could reunite him with his father. I guess my second question is how am I supposed to react as an adult. I know he feeds off the energy so I try not to delve into it and recognize praise as much positive I can find. Which helps some.

Generrally he is better behaved with us, but I wonder if todays incident will effect his reltionship with us and cause him to start rebelling more when he is by us.

By the way when he reunited with his father he started crying making a sceen as if I hurt his arm because he didn't like that I held him and took away his free reign. (I explained their son wws upset because I was hding him, and they understood) I know I didn't hurt him physically because there was a gap between is arm and my hand. I basically made a cuff around his wrist with my fingers so he couldn't go far.

amother

↑ OP

Sun, Sep 22 2024, 6:39 am

amother NeonBlue wrote:

I think you do need to teach your child to hit back. Rabbi Berkowitz (Sanhedria Murchevet) says to teach your child to hit back.
Do you know any other effective way to stop bullying?

I feel like if I'm going to start coaching my ds to push back then I should warn the parents, no? I guess on that note I could as them for suggestions out of courtesy but I already know they are at a loss.

amother

Mayflower ↓

Sun, Sep 22 2024, 7:13 am

amother OP wrote:

No, I don't reallt know any other effective way. one suggestion was to teach the child social skills and how to laugh it off/make it into a joke, but I feel that is not possible for 3yr old.

Laughing it off is for verbal bullying, not physical. Is your 3 yr old a physical match for the 5 yr old, meaning is he the same size/strength? Otherwise don't teach him to hit back or the 5 yr old will probably hurt him more. Maybe teach him to hit back the other 3 yr old if the 5 yr old isn't around and the 3 yr old starts up.

Maybe have a more serious talk with the other parents and say you don't want the younger boys playing together at all for now and ask for their help to keep them separate. Just don't let them near each other even if they don't seem to be doing anything wrong at the moment. Teach your sons to come and find you if the boys approach them.

amother

Slategray

Sun, Sep 22 2024, 7:53 am

I would teach your son to push them away, not hitting but pushing.
Taught my DD 5 to do this when she was day after day bullied but taught not to hit. The day she pushed the bully away it stopped.
I will also tell the parents that you are going to protect your child and if it means that their son gets hurt whilst doing that you are not taking responsibility.
My nephew was about to hit my daughter, I grabbed his hand and my daughter saw I was protecting her, my sil was not happy at all but I calmly told her whilst she screamed at me that as a parent that is my responsibility.
I would also tell the kid if he touches your children you won't let them play and stick to it,
If there isn't any consequences there won't be any change.

amother

↑ Mayflower

Sun, Sep 22 2024, 8:00 am

amother Slategray wrote:

Was your daughter a similar size to the bully? A 2 yr old pushing a 5 yr old probably won't do a thing.

amother

Strawberry

Sun, Sep 22 2024, 8:10 am

Besides teaching your child to push back the bully, when you see the bully doing his shtick, you crouch down to his level, look him straight into his eyes and warn him in a no nonsense tone that it ends here. No more chances. Anything he does and you will be watching him like a hawk, he will be forced to leave. And he will test you and you will havta show him you're serious and follow through. Next time maybe if he will behave you will allow him to play. You gotta stick up for your child and if that means to discipline (without getting physical) him because his parents don't want to, then so be it. You havta be the adult here and protect your child.
And you'll probably havta do this a few times before the message gets across and if his parents are upset with you, well someone's gotta discipline this child.

amother

Navyblue

Sun, Sep 22 2024, 9:25 am

There's really no way for a 2 or 3yr old to defend themselves from a 5yr old. They're physically, emotionally, and verbally light years apart. It's not the same as an 8yr old being bullied by a 10yr old. A 3yr old is still a toddler. It's your job to protect them. If it was my kids, I would not let the hurting kid come over to our house or play in our backyard. Any time he comes, I'd say it's not a good time. And I would not bring my kids over there to play. Bringing your kids there is telling them you're ok with someone hurting them.

amother

Vanilla

Sun, Sep 22 2024, 10:10 am

amother OP wrote:

Even when I'm supervising he hits my kids. Today he was unintentionally was under my watch and I had to hold him one one side away from my kids for awhile until I could reunite him with his father. I guess my second question is how am I supposed to react as an adult. I know he feeds off the energy so I try not to delve into it and recognize praise as much positive I can find. Which helps some.

Generrally he is better behaved with us, but I wonder if todays incident will effect his reltionship with us and cause him to start rebelling more when he is by us.

By the way when he reunited with his father he started crying making a sceen as if I hurt his arm because he didn't like that I held him and took away his free rein. (I explained their son wws upset because I was hding him, and they understood) I know I didn't hurt him physically because there was a gap between is arm and my hand. I basically made a cuff around his wrist with my fingers so he couldn't go far.

It’s not your job to reunite the kid with his father. I’m confused on what happened that made you feel responsible for this child.

If there is a child that physically hurts my child, and he doesn’t have parents in sight I warn the child that he’d better stay away from my kid. I say it in a harsh way. The child is not my problem and I assume he will find his own way home, the same way he got there.

Bnei Berak 10

Sun, Sep 22 2024, 10:42 am

amother Slategray wrote:

I like your approach.
You grabbed nephew's hand and SIL got hysterical? To grab a hand which is going to hit is NOT abusive. It's the right thing to do.

↑ Chayalle

Sun, Sep 22 2024, 11:02 am

amother Slategray wrote:

I agree with this. I'm not into being mechanech other peoples' children, but I am into protecting my own. If the parent won't restrain, you have to.

amother

Firethorn

Sun, Sep 22 2024, 11:36 am

amother OP wrote:

I have a great friend that I stopped getting together with when the kids were young. We only did adult women's night out and we would often be "unavailable" when she wanted the families to get together. Her child was constantly pulling grabbing hitting pinching and wouldn't face consequences. We are still great friends. The kids have grown up too. We get together more as friends than as families even today. I changed the dynamics subtly.